Supporting a friend

[ZigZagJigsaw]

I have a friend who I’ve known on and off for about 20 years. We met at work and we both liked to go out for after work drinks on a Friday and to be fair, we were usually the ones doing shots, last ones standing at the end of the night.

I grew out of that 20 something lifestyle and settled down and had a child. My child is now 15 and I’m separated. Old friend and I reconnected via social media about a year or so ago.

She’s a mess now though, with alcohol. I’ve only just realised how bad it is. She keeps a water bottle with her at all times, it’s got vodka and squash in it. She’s been to stay a couple of times but she often dozes off on the sofa. If we go out for dinner, she falls over a lot. Last week she was coming back from Spain, tripped at the airport and they wouldn’t let her on the flight. I often get rambling messages from her.

I don’t really know what to do. I don’t really want her to come and stay because of my teenager. But I’m happy to meet her half way (she lives about an hour away on a direct train) without my daughter. But if we go for drinks I feel like I’m enabling her but she has no interest in things like a walk or a museum visit or coffee and cake.

I’d like to support her but I also have a teen and a full time job. She’s asked if she can come and stay tomorrow but I’ve said I’m not well. She would be more than welcome to join my daughter and I on our hike tomorrow but I really don’t think she could manage it because I’m concerned she would fall, so that’s why I’ve said I’m not well. I know she is lonely but I’m not sure what to do.

You can’t support her. If she doesn’t want help there is not much you can do. You need to to look after yourself, she’ll just drag you down.

She lives with her partner. But they are kind of separated in that they lead separate lives, separate bedrooms. So she’s not completely on her own.

I do feel like she’s overstepping to an extent, showing up and passing out. But I wonder if it’s a break for her because she is responsible for her recently widowed dad too.

And just to say, she’s not an aggressive drunk. She just falls over / dozes off. I feel a bit selfish but it’s such a nice weather weekend, I don’t want to have to rush back from the day out I’ve got planned with my daughter and spend Saturday night / Sunday day looking after someone who is drunk.

Would she be open to you talking to her about it? Tell her you’re concerned about her drinking a d is there anything you can do to help her? I wouldn’t be comfortable going out for drinks etc but she’ll likely do it with or without you.
if she’s not receptive to that then sadly it might be time to cut down contact or end the friendship

I don’t know. I feel like our lives went in separate directions for a long time and we don’t know each other that well. She can’t not know she has a problem but equally I think she maybe thinks a night away at mine is respite. I don’t know her parter that well. He seems nice but he’s healthy, gym goer doesn’t really drink from what I know. I don’t know their dynamic, has he tried to talk to her? How did it go? She is a nice person and like I said, not an angry and aggressive drunk.

I’m not that bothered about me it’s also my 15 year old daughter. My friend feeling a bit under the weather and passing out and falling over isn’t easily explainable more than once. Oh she was sick. Sick every time she comes to visit?

I’m sorry but I wouldn’t entertain that behaviour in front of your daughter who I’m sure is old enough to understand what’s going on here. She obviously needs help for her alcohol problem there must be a reason that she’s using alcohol as a crutch . It’s sad especially if she has no support but you have to put yourself and DD first.