I don't know what to do, I feel so useless.
I have been married for 12 years and have 3 children dd(9), dd(6) and ds (18 months). For dd9 we are awaiting assessment for autism / inattentive adhd. I've been a sahm since eldest was born.
My house is a tip, all the time. It feels like shovelling snow in a blizzard. I feel like I can't get anything done and when I do it lasts a few hours at most.
Whilst I'm tidying one thing ds is untidying as I go and he can untidy quicker than I can tidy. He naps for 1.5 hours a day in which time I grab a quick lunch, hang some washing out, prep dinner and load or unload the dishwasher, maybe put some clothes away and then before I know it he's awake and into everything. He bit a hole in the door whilst I was trying to clean up toys the other day. I just can't get anything done.
Then the girls get home and chaos descends. Shoes and bags everywhere, cups left on the side, the days paperwork dumped on the table. I've tried to implement systems but dd9 is pretty explosive after masking all day. Dd6 will get craft out and try and keep herself busy, but oh so much paper everywhere. Toddler will try and get my attention by doing something he knows he shouldn't, usually means more mess. It just feels overestimulating and chaotic.
Dinner times toddler throws food (been working on stopping this for months, nothing works), eldest is a messy eater (also has dsypraxia) so food all over the table and floor.
Husband is just passive aggressive to everyone, I think he's probably neurodiverse himself (very noise sensitive, low tolerance for everything, very all or nothing with tasks, but never seems to finish anything) and probably depressed too. Seems to take no joy in raising our family, treats everybody like a burden. Has an explosive relationship with dd2 who is by far the easiest, but she reacts to him with major meltdowns and he reacts the same back. He's just always angry with me, takes anything I say as a personal attack and has health anxiety too so manages to turn any conversation we have to be about him. Talks very passively aggressive to me and makes it clear he thinks I should have a better handle on everything. To be fair, I think this too. Sometimes he will acknowledge how hard it is to get things done with the kids, but his solution is just to put ds in his cot to scream and headbutt the bars whilst I clean. I just can't.
I just don't know how to solve this all. I feel like such a failure. i feel like im drowning. I try and get as much done as i can, but it often feels pointless. I struggle with motivation.
The house is a tip, he refuses to get any help in like a cleaner. Wibdow cleaner, sonebody to do the guttering and insists on doing all DIY jobs himself. Even though he hates DIY and seethes whilst half doing it. He will do jobs but also has lots of hobbies which he then resents not being able to do.
I'm a sahm so feel my home should be spotless, or at least more presentable. It's definitely got worse since ds was born. I feel such guilt that the children are growing up in such mess, especially dd1 as I know a tidy, ordered life would benefit her) and that i just cant achieve this.
We have no babysitters, so only break I get from dds is school. Ds is with me 24/7. Dh will watch him but only for me to do jobs and resents having to do it. I try to be happy and chipper with the kids to try and combat the constant negativity but sometimes I get so snappy at them too, usually when there behaviour is going to set dh off on a massive rant or mood.
I'm looking forward to the school holidays, spending more time with my girls and the lack of school runs but am dreading the mess and noise.
Sorry this is so long, I think I just needed to get it all down.