What damaged your relationship with your parents?

[Greatergreen]

My mum used to have a group of friends and they often slagged off their children. One mother would start it (her own children are NC as adults) then the others would join in. Nasty stories, assuming the worst in our intentions, etc. it was a break of trust and a horrible feeling.

Every type of abuse possible , they massively fucked me up and I’ve been in therapy for years. Unsurprisingly we are NC

My mum didn’t mean to be nasty but my dad was abusive and she told me she wished she didn’t marry him / have his kids. She told me this matter of factly, many times as a child. She had a job in Australia arranged that didn’t happen because she met him, and he turned out to be terrible husband and father material. I understood her feelings but there was no need for her to share them with me as a small child.

Mine left us with a clearly disordered dad who used to get his mates round to watch me, aged six, dance without my knickers on. I tried to ask her when I was 16 why she thought dad was ever a suitable man to leave children with. She got nasty then cried and told me off because I had made her cry. It is what it is.

I had my own children and gradually started “realising things”, ramping up after I had a little girl.

It made me look at pictures of myself at the same age and think how could an adult have said and done all these things to a little child, I could never.

Before that I kind of lived in denial of my childhood because my mum and I had a friendship as adults.

But it turned out that was based on me conforming hard to what she expected in every aspect of my actions and personality. The first time I questioned something the way she treated me - in an adult situation, nothing to do with childhood - she blew up in the most ridiculous, nasty way and I realised how fucking nasty she was. My eyes were opened, memories flooded back, that was that. No going back.

My mother seeing me only as an extension to herself and trying to live her dreams of being a musician through me.

My father turning a blind eye to this and making it clear my mother was not to be upset by the children.

In fairness to them both, I think they recognise this and the effect it has on us.

@Shayisgreat My father wasn’t nasty and deranged like my mother. But when it hit the fan he would go into some sort of panic mode and gaslight like crazy. No she never said that. You are making things up. Look what your mother has done for you.

Amazing your parents have some recognition. I hope that helps. Unfortunately mine goes crazy if the past is mentioned and starts screaming that she is being attacked.

I don’t think sorry exists in her vocabulary. If I mess up with DC or shout I always apologize and explain why I was wrong. Or if shouting (I rarely shout) for a safety reason, explain it afterwards.

I think a lot of people literally don’t have it in them to admit they were wrong. It feels too shameful maybe.

ExH poisoned my mind against them.

I thought they were not nice people because he kept telling me how their behaviour was toxic.

In tge end I saw he was trying to isolate me away from them so I'd spend more time with his father, who was no angel tbh. . My parents aren't actually bad people, they are stoic, possibly scared of emotions, but not toxic.

Things are better now but I had to apologise to them for freezing them out. They are still confused as to what really happened.

I agree. They also put themselves on such a pedestal it completely broke communication. Having a scary night staying with a friend who had the very creepy father. Nothing could be said without horrible accusations flying back. So dangerous. Why oh why wouldn’t she want her children to talk to her?

Mine asked what I'd done 'to lead him on'

She genuinely couldn't understand that I'd done nothing at all and he was the one to blame

She then told everyone she knew and milked it for sympathy (for herself-i didnt matter)

I'm so sorry you went through that too

A lifetime of cruelty, abuse and neglect. My DM did such a good job of grooming my golden child DB he became a clinically diagnosed psychopath.

In 2020 my DF died, my DH was made redundant and I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer, all within the space of 4 weeks at the start of lockdown. DM expected me to be her full emotional support, do all her shopping and odd jobs and her full support system. It was the start of lockdown and I was clinically very vulnerable. I was also working full time from home between treatment and had 3 kids. She never made allowances for how vulnerable I was and refused to ask DB ( who had no job, family or health issues) for help.

After radiotherapy I found I had very bad damage to my lungs and was in an awful way. I cried. She was utterly horrible and said everyone had had a bad year and I was just selfish. I asked if she cared if I lived or died and she laughed at me and said " It's just cancer. Everyone gets it. It doesn't make you special and don't expect me to mollycoddle you"

That was it. I realised she would gladly watch me die rather than mildly inconvenience her darling son. I went no contact and have been the black sheep and absolute monster who destroyed the family for 5 years.

My father and I had a difficult relationship my whole life but as long as we stuck to light topics like holidays and weather we were ok. Until I had DS and we stayed with him when DS was 4.5. Father knew DS was waiting assessment for ASD and was suspected ADHD but still proceeded to verbally lay into me one evening about how DS needs a smack, how I’ve made up his suspected (and highly visible behavioural needs) to cover up my bad parenting and what an all round terrible person I was. The way he looked at DS and the disgust on his face lives rent free in my head, even today.

It doesn’t was 3 years ago and we left that house and I haven’t seen or spoken to him since. It turned out that I’ll tolerate 35 years of his abuse towards me but I’ll only stand for it once for my son. Since then I’ve realised that a lot of the ‘oddities’ of my childhood were actually just emotional abuse that I’d rationalised away.

There was never any trust. Both my parents put their own selfish desires first every single time and used me as a handmaiden.

@Ashipcalleddignity

I’m shocked reading that, I’m so so sorry you had to experience it. I’ve had some nasty words from my mother but that is.. I don’t have words.

How are people so evil to their own..

@Lostatsea10 Maybe this is one thing living through this does. There are firm, firm boundaries to protect our own kids.

Emotional abuse to a child is terrible. It does instant damage and you are in such a vulnerable position it often isn’t possible to stand up to it.

So so sorry @Ashipcalleddignity Hope you are doing okay now. Anyone in that position should receive sympathy and understanding. Why a parent wouldn’t show it to their own child. No idea.

I had to go into emergency surgery and while waiting made a call only to overhear my mother telling my father I was wrecking her holiday.

A thing she would do while we were kids was blame us when a member of the family was ill. Imagine being terrified for a relative and being told they potentially had xx because of the stress of such terrible children. Primary aged. It just made us curl up with shame and fear.

With the rape and sexual abuse cases I hope those who want to can get support in prosecuting if they want to. Reading this is so devastating as children are so vulnerable and in an abusive environment speaking up must be near on impossible.

The mean mothers were also horrible to each others children. We had a sleepover at one of the houses when we were probably under 10. They also had an awful dog and it pssed on one of the girls bedding. The mother who hosted the sleepover insinuated that the girl had wet the bed. We all stood there shocked and shamed. Why oh why didn’t we speak up. I guess it was horrible domination and bullying. My mother asked if I had eaten as I was often too nervous to. The hosting mother said I was on a See food and eat food diet. I had probably struggled through one slice of pizza. The btchy comment was met with smirks and reused. I was slim and also accused of being anorexic. Make it make sense…

I often wondered why my mother had children. Every aspect of my life was controlled by her even after I got married and left home.
If any good came of her "parenting" it was that I did the complete opposite with my children

I once told dm of my anxiety about something really personal when I was about 5 or 6 and later heard her loudly laughing about it with her friends and taking the mickey out of me. I vowed never to let her in on anything in my life again as I was so hurt by her. She lacked any motherly support throught my childhood but then I think my gran was the same with her so she didn't know how to parent. She got on better with dsis who was more outgoing like her. I think I reminded her too much of my dfs side of the family and she never really bonded with me. Ironic really as I was the only person who visited her regularly in the last 7 years of her life.

At age 6 my dad left and that was the last I ever saw him. I was used as an emotional and physical punch bag. I remember our first Christmas without him and was upset she unwrapped every present I had and threw it at my head. Her next boyfriend 18 year old son raped me for 2 years aged 8, when she found out she did nothing. When I came down one day in leggings and a crop top she told me no wonder I'd been abused as at 10 I looked like a little slag ?????
Those are just a few examples of my childhood oh and the time her and the same boyfriend had sex on the sofa in the same room I was in under the covers.
I only realized how abusive it all was when I had my own children ,I left to join the army at 16 as this seemed the better option. Through my adult life I kind of kept her at arms length, she would constantly try to cross boundaries, trying to call every day on the landline after I was walking through the door after a 10 + hour shift. Then becoming abusive when I stopped answering the odd day. Things finally came to a head 5 years ago when my granddaughter was born she was extremely jealous of me for some reason and was constantly trying to belittle the time I spent with my granddaughter, one day after I posted a pic of me and my granddaughter my mother confronted my daughter to ask why she hadn't gone to visit her. Then spat in her face. I called her and calmly told her to stay away from us all and I don't regret doing this one bit. Sometimes your own wellbeing has to come first x

My parents separated when I was 14. Dad left for a 22 year old who lived in the village, Mum was heavily pregnant with an unexpected menopause baby. Mum couldn't cope and ended up taking an OD, she had to end the pregnancy due to the drugs she'd taken and she was sectioned for nearly a year. My sister and I sofa surfed from one relative to another, and during this I managed to fuck up taking my O levels as understandably studying went out the window. I didn't see Dad for years, he was too busy for his old life and Mum was a nervous wreck who needed constant care/reassurance. My golden sister was protected by everyone as she was younger, my childhood was a seeming happy sacrifice. The entire family just left me to deal with Mum as they couldn't deal with her emotions.

I'm so fiercely protective of my own DC, I will never ever let them down the way my parents did to me. I've never had a close bond with Mum since, she lives rent free in her own head and doesn't really see the rest of the world as a result. Dad finally stopped chasing other women in his 70s and at the point of myself having DC, he became a model grandparent and we developed a deep deep bond as he aged. When he died, I was bereft and heartbroken over all the years we'd lost. I still miss the old bugger. Go figure.

@Ashipcalleddignity
My mum said exactly the same to me. I drive 100 miles to see her with my stage 4 cancer in tow. She has always refused to engage in any talk about my situation and I once told her I got tired and felt sick..Her reply was oh stop moaning. Everyone gets cancer and you are nothing special..
My dad was ok but had a v volitile mood usually when he had a drink. He used to tell me and my brother that we would have to put the cat down as he was on a 3 day week at work..This was the 80's. His mood was so unstable. Shouting, putting us down, ripping up the tickets to go on holiday, throwing an xmas tree into the garden on xmas eve, yelling how useless we were etc.
My mum was obsessed with her neighbours daughter who was my age and constantly tell me to do my hair like her, dress like her..
My.dad is dead now but I do wonder if he had an undiagnosed mood disorder. I am in contact with my mum superficially..

I was abused as a child by another family member and told my mother when I was an adult and she told me I was a liar. Her and my father got divorced and she wouldn’t let us see him and was quite proud of the fact she used us as a weapon, the older I got the more I understood him leaving her. Myself and my sister don’t speak to her so she’s got no one now but at least we have each other, I think it affected me more because I’m the eldest and there’s a biggish gap between us so my sister doesn’t remember a lot of things but I’ve endured years of therapy due to my mother’s abuse.