What damaged your relationship with your parents?

[Greatergreen]

My mum used to have a group of friends and they often slagged off their children. One mother would start it (her own children are NC as adults) then the others would join in. Nasty stories, assuming the worst in our intentions, etc. it was a break of trust and a horrible feeling.

My parents not believing that my partner was beating me “we only have her word for it” , “she can be difficult “.

I have a disability and my parents very different attitudes to it separately damaged both relationships

My mother telling my brother that his cancer was his fault for not eating healthy. That was the start of the decline in our relationship.

So sorry. These are horrific and so cruel.

Mine was more death by 1000 cuts. Lots of sniping, cruel comments and instances of broken trust. Getting a horrible dog that bit everyone and blaming the kids. Etc. Now I am terrified about how DC sees me when I do tell them off, even though it is a completely different situation and done in a different way.

When my mother totally took my XH's side after I called time on an unhappy marriage. Apparently I brought shame on her and "What would people think?"

When she died I ripped up every photo of her

Told Dad a few home truths, how he favoured my brothers & their children and neglected mine. He cut me out of the family, and ordered the entire family to shun me. I will never have contact with him again.

Not as bad as some of these, but I realised many things about my mother once I had kids:

• She would never ever praise us for anything. She would constantly praise other people to us though and suggest we were inadequate. She would highlight our 'faults' unprompted to others instead. This involved shyness, ambition or studying hard 🤷‍♀️

-She had a fear in her life of doing anything different or new and limited our opportunities. She disproved of things we achieved as we put ourselves 'out there' and she thought it would come to no good.

-She became reluctant and embarrassed to show any affection towards us after the age of about 7 or 8. It felt quite unnatural even at the time that she would rebuff our attempts to hug her or regard it as weakness.

-She was socially insecure and we weren't allowed to enjoy ourselves on social occasions because we had to follow her strict rules and give in to her anxiety.

I have to remind myself of these things constantly as I am so afraid of repeating the past. People keep commenting how one of my DC is 'shy' as if it is a major fault, and I am trying to learn to reply 'well, they are 4 and don't know you so what do you expect?' rather than just agreeing.

I can pinpoint the exact day my rather turbulent relationship with my mother.

I was 17.

I wasn't feeling well so I was at home. My mum used to have an afternoon nap everyday at about 12pm, this day was no different.

I tried to get up out of the chair I was sitting in and severe right hand abdo pain literally floored me.

I managed to crawl back to the chair and I called out to my mum.

She didn't hear me.

When she eventually came down I asked her to call the Dr, I knew I was ill.

She told me to take a paracetamol and go to bed. The fact that I couldn't move to get to the paracetamol or go to bed.

I asked, and then begged and just kept being told to take paracetamol and go to bed. I was sitting about 2 ft from the phone and I couldn't get it. I thought I was going to die.

My dad came home from work at about 5.30. I asked him to o call the Dr.

This was the first time I ever saw my dad not agree with my mum. He called the Dr.

The Dr came out, examined me and, asked where the phone was and called an ambulance.

My gall bladder was inflamed. I was in hospital for a week.

Of course after this my mother talked about, "Oh when you went in to hospital it was terrible for me..."

She had an affair when I was 14, left me and my DB with Dad and moved in with the OM. Came back 6 months later. I don’t think I ever really forgave her. My relationship with her was always a bit strained anyway, that was just the final nail in the coffin.

When she thought her brother had sexually abused me before I was even old enough to start primary school, but still used him for unsupervised babysitting for years after until he emigrated.

When she spent my teenaged years telling me she thought that uncle had done that (he'd emigrated by then) and that it was probably my fault.

When she told my entire family, even second cousins and my godmother who lived on the opposite side of the world, that I was working as a prostitute out of the local pub when I got a Saturday job there waitressing as a teenager (I'd never even dated or kissed a boy at the time).

When she referred to my gorgeous mixed race niece as a 'biscuit baby' to all and sundry.

When she 'forgot' to tell me when my dads funeral was and sent me a link to the video recording after it happened.
Instead of telling me when or where it was, she took the time to go round telling everyone there that I couldn't be bothered to go to his funeral.

So many more reasons, these aren't even the worst.

She cares enough to get the gossip for her friends but has zero empathy and visibly switches off once she finds out the info she wants. Doesn’t offer any support or check you are ok while dealing with whatever the issue is.

Some of these post are really sad — my relationship is not as bad as most situations described however the realisation that borh parents are compete narcissists have left me feeling empty and that something is missing in me. They were never abusive as such but I don't think I feel like I existed in there eyes. We have limited contact.

I’m the same. I never really felt my Mum loved me. but she was never abusive.

Looking back I don’t know if it’s because she didn’t show her emotions (her DF was a very controlling man and he DM just did as she was told), or I was a nightmare teen, and she did the best she could. I don’t have many fond memories of time spent with her? She was just a parent (if that makes sense). I’m not even sure she wanted dc, I think it was ‘expected’ she marry and have children, the only thing she ever told me, that she showed emotion for, was that she wanted to be a ballerina but her parents wouldn’t let her go to dance school. I think she was just sad with her lot and that came through in her parenting.

Thankfully I have a good relationship with my DF

Mine was death by 1000 cuts like op.

When I got divorced I was utterly determined to 'do it better' regarding my kids than she had done for us as dc. Stuff like 'youre over-compensating' when I took the kids out after their dad had let them down. I dated whereas she never did, which I got constant digs about. Undermining and constant questioning my choices and decisions for the kids. The first Christmas in my 'every penny I could scrape together to buy' new house she walked in, described the lounge as an explosion in a wrapping paper factory and went straight into the kitchen. Favouring my sister and dropping everything (including me and my dc) to rush to support her in several 'crises' of her own making (which never were, once mum had arrived, prepared for the worst). Telling me in front of the kids she wished she never woke up from surgery because of our relationship.

I went NC and had ALL the flying monkeys when it came to the last straw. Eventually came to a truce when she was poorly again but care began to fall to me (single parent, ft job, 2 kids, absent ex) and golden child sister (married, sahm as dh earned well) did fuck all except waft in every so often expecting to be fed, accommodated and entertained.

This is so similar to my story. I hope you are okay. I also have a fear of repeating the past. It has left horrible social anxiety for me. She still runs me down as an adult. It is absolutely foul. The worst thing is a lot of it is heavily embellished. I just do not understand why people do this to their children. It was also complete divide and rule between siblings. Now she wonders „what is wrong with us all because we don’t get on“. I suppose it gives them something to gossip about instead of having a decent relationship with their families.

So sorry. This need to have a favored sibling is so damaging down the generations. Well done for breaking free.

it is the constant digs and undermining. I have sometimes been the favored one, but I don’t like it as I know the harm it causes all around.

There always has to be a wonder child to help beat down my or my siblings parenting choices. The wonder child doesn’t even need to be part of the family. If I meet them it seems like there is sometimes a complete lack of reality - can be a nice kid or can be a completely random badly behaved kid. Just no sense to it apart from a constant need to run down family members.

So sorry @NegroniMacaroni That is beyond horrible. Your poor brother not getting support.

Did your mothers also have to always be a victim and a martyr in this? Whatever happened, mine and her group of friends were all somehow saints who were then victims of their children’s appalling behavior.

My mum facilitated a convicted paedophile having contact with my children. Apparently, she trusted him that he would only do it to other people’s kids, not mine, which I was supposed to be fine with. 🙄 Though if you ask her or any of her friends, it’s because Dh and I took money from her and then cut her off from her grandchildren because we couldn’t get our hands on enough.

Two people I know it’s because their dads sexually abused them or another close family member.

Another friend went NC because her parents didn’t agree with her decision to have a home birth (perfectly straightforward healthy low risk pregnancy) and drove 6 hours when they heard she was in labour to literally kick her door down and threaten her, her Dh and the midwives. They were absolutely bonkers and controlling before that. Like couldn’t even acknowledge her pregnancy because they were so aghast she was having sex (she was an independent married very accomplished professional woman in her 30s). But the birth freak out was the last straw.

Both parents were alcoholics - the gaslighting from them that because they only drank in the evening (apart from Christmas, BBQs, pretty much any sunny weekend day... 🙄) and it was "only wine" meant that they weren't.

Father was also a very angry man, very controlling, emotionally abusive. The PP who said her father could start an argument in an empty room definitely resonated. Parents used to have the most awful screaming arguments which would often end with my mother locking herself in the toilet leaving us DC.

Too many examples to mention, but things like:

• DSIS having a boyfriend over - they were in her room, parents were drunk downstairs and father started shouting out how she was a slut.

• Mum literally passing out on the sofa every single night, but more gaslighting that she was just "tired". I absolutely hated when she started drinking of an evening, I could tell that she was different and I couldn't have a proper conversation with her - in the end I just stopped trying to talk to her and that never recovered.

• My dad used to listen to the radio late at night (and phone in with his drunken rants until they banned him 😬), but he used to turn it up so loud that it used to wake me up at midnight - I would ask him to turn it down, but he just used to laugh at me and turn it up louder.

• The worst though was when my dad started having an affair when we were adults (and had moved out - DM told DSIS). Had invited his "friend" around for dinner and drinks - DM had passed out on the sofa, so he took the friend upstairs... 🤢 DM woke up and realised what was happening.

I blame my father more; my DM was adopted as a small child (she was the result of an affair) and her adopted parents were very strict.... So huge amounts of trauma there. However I do deep down still blame her for being so passive and not leaving him.

DM has now passed away and am LC with father.

To answer your question though, my mum is very well liked by everyone on a superficial level. She’s very good at making herself useful. So she will know all the neighbours and their families and the people who run the village shop and will volunteer somewhere and everyone will love her and think she is so wonderful and selfless.

But it seems temporary. They move about every 2 years. Like big moves. Think London to Leicester to South Wales to North Wales to Liverpool, just as examples. I don’t know if she pisses people off and they decide to up and go. Or if they just don’t ever want to get to close to anyone. Or maybe people start asking questions (neither she or her partner have any contact with any of their children or grandchildren). She has lost probably 80% of her life long friends because of her partner and her behaviour. So I think she kinda lives in this bubble of being a selfless martyr until no one believes it anymore and then she gets restless and wants to move again.

Domestic violence (I was sometimes included). Father and mother would get physical with another another.
Functional alcoholic mother - who has real issues - 2 x suicide attempts, often embarrassingly drunk.
Mother also had undiagnosed PMDD - she was unpredictable and hateful during the week before her period.
Favouritism to my brother - overcompensating as by the time he became a teen they were clocking onto their arseholery.

Amazingly we are still in contacts - after multiple periods of no contact. I have just accepted that they were terrible parents. I keep in contact out of a sense of duty.

So so sorry people had to grow up with this. Some of these are horrific and should have had police and social services involvement.

All are crushing.

In the nasty group of friends there were so many of the same bullying sayings trotted out:

I love you but I don’t like you.

Nobody cares about you. Shortly followed by Everyone is looking at your ridiculous behavior.

Being called mental and liars for trying to open up the father who was probably a paedophile. You wicked little liar you are trying to ruin my friendship, what is wrong in your head.

They were the ones who were wicked and mentally ill.

I have (had) one of those mothers too. We’ve been no contact for 19 years or so now. It was the best thing I ever did.