How to deal with autistic DD16 lack of hygiene and messy habits?

[sickofmess1]

I can't come down hard on her as she has autism and mental health difficulties. She tried to take her life recently.

I can't really ask her to do much because of her poor mental health. But I have been struggling for years with her messy ways and lack of hygiene. I have constantly tidied for her and introduced organisational systems. It doesn't help that she has a lot of stuff so in her room it is not possible to move even a little but without knocking something over. She has a bin but won't put rubbish in it it.

She hates washing her hands so everything ends up sticky and dirty. Her underwear is filthy. She can't seem to eat a meal without it ending up her all over clothes. I am constantly washing her clothes.

I am finding this extra challenging as I am a minimalist who likes things very clean, ordered and tidy. She is struggling so I have to let a lot of things go but I am finding it really hard to live in a home that I cannot keep clean.

That sounds difficult. Can you break things down and tackle step by step, you are never going to be able to do it all at once. So maybe start with hand washing, if she doesn't like using a tap can she use a wet flannel or baby wipes? Once she's gotten into a routine with that tackle something else. Maybe her room, can you watch a decluttering show together and discuss? She might be more on board if you can inspire her a bit.

My DS is similar, although not as difficult. I've managed to get him into a routine that as soon as he comes home from school he showers and puts PJ's on. Now it's embedded I don't even need to remind him. His room is not great but it's organised, well lots of storage, and he doesn't have too much stuff.

Has she got any external support? Social worker? Social care support via EHCP?

The baby wipes are a good idea but I will have to make sure she does it. She needs a lot of reminding to do everything and then feels I go on at her all the time!

Decluttering show is a great idea, thank you.

She is under the care of CAMHS but she does not qualify for social care support.

Totally get how draining that is. You're doing your best in an impossible situation, it's okay to feel overwhelmed too.

Does she have an EHCP? She would qualify defo for a social care assessment and you qualify for your own separate assessment as her carer, and maybe also carer’s allowance.

Please tell me she gets PIP/DLA?

Have you tried tick lists or Alexa reminders or a smartwatch as a prompt? Sometimes DS reacts badly to people telling him what to do but is ok if it’s an object. He has life skills taught via his ehc plan - is that an option as honestly he’s much more independent with other people than with me and because his tutors can go home and switch off they have more patience and can be more consistent than I manage.

No she does not have an EHCP. Do I need that to get a social care assessment? She does not get PIP or DLA.

She gets annoyed if I ask her questions so a tick list is a really good idea and it takes the pressure off me also. Thank you.

PLEASE apply immediately. I’ll pm you an amazing tip.

You don’t need EHCP for social care assessment. You should apply for PIP.

I have applied for PIP but struggling with the proof of identity. The only two options are a passport and driving licence photocard. DD is 16 so only has a passport. It doesn't give me options such as a birth certificate.

I think you could apply for a provisional licence for her. She doesn't have to be 17 and I think they are valid for 10 years so it's a more portable form of ID for her than a passport, and it means if she does want to learn to drive in the next 10 years it's something already done.

This is going to sound like a really trivial suggestion but there’s an app called Finch which is a bit like a tamagotchi in a way. You set goals, they can be seriously small ones like ‘drink water’ and ‘get out of bed’ and once you’ve completed them you tick them off and send your little bird on an adventure. It’s very sweet and not at all bossy. There’s other bits like guided breathing exercises and naming your emotions.

It might be worth a try to help motivate her. It’s free but there is a premium version.

Do you have her national insurance number?

Yes but that is not one of the items on the list for confirming identity.