Martin Frizell in Fiona Phillips' Memoir.

[ClearFruit]

I've just read an excerpt from the Fiona Phillips memoir. Her Husband Martin Frizell admits:

"Sorting the bank accounts, utility direct debits, hospital appointments, clothes, washing, parking permits, shopping, cooking, tidying the house – in fact, all the stuff I took for granted because Fiona dealt with it (as well as her own career) – became my responsibilities".

Why weren't they shared responsibilities from the outset? Why was Fiona left to deal with all of that herself, while her Husband was left free to presumably do 'important work'?

Yet more unequal division of labour. The fact that he clearly sees this as unproblematic and is prepared to say it in print speaks volumes to me.

Does it? I'm sure they're both devastated to hear that.

Sometimes it's the husband who takes care of the finances and organising of the household. It's not always the woman.

Sadly not unusual.

& we have NAMALT already

But he is admitting that his wife did everything and then it all of a sudden became his responsibility. Why was it all left to his Wife in the first place? He goes on to say how emotionally and physically draining he found it. Presumably then he had an insight into how his Wife might have felt, as she was doing all of that and also had a successful career.

If one partner is doing more than the other then that's not OK; if, however, they both have their separate areas of responsibility that is agreed on then that's fine.

I agree with your sentiment, op, but now isn’t really the time given their circumstances

We really don't know the full task divisions between them. She might have been better/liked the financial stuff. He may have his own long task list

I wouldn't judge on that paragraph.

I think in the circumstances we just leave them alone.

OP I read that this morning, too.
So he’s suddenly having to do the things she always took care of for him and ooh- surprise, he’s had to give up his job in order to do it.
It makes me furious although yes they’re in a horrible situation at the moment. You’re braver than me starting a thread about it.

Many men underestimate the mental load women carry, I think kicking him when he’s down is unnecessary

I do pretty much it all in my house. I like doing it and I’m good at it. Not sure why that’s a weird thing. We divide lots of responsibilities in the house but doesn’t mean every single task has to be done by both of us.

OP, what on earth made you think that having a go at a couple who are dealing with this horrible diagnosis was appropriate??

DW deals with all the financial and banking matters in our household.

I married an accountant. I simply do not measure up to her professional standards.

I know it’s not a mumsnet favorite, but Dh and I have ‘ pink and blue ‘ jobs, but we make joint decisions over finances and he will do things like insurances and I tended to do school admin things ( years ago now )
I didn’t have a high powered career or any scope to out source many jobs , maybe people do a lot more of that than they let on ? ( gardening , ironing , child care and so on) plus once you set up something like a direct debit you often have to deal with it yourself as the companies won’t speak to your partner otherwise ( unless it’s POA for example)

He has given up his job to care for the wife he is slowly losing, who will need progressively more, and more complicated care. Not so he can do some life admin. Many, but not all, men would just pay to get someone in to do the caring. Especially as money isnt a problem.

Frizell is avman, he is more important obviously

Ugh.

I do hope he’s immediately stopped looking after his wife to consider the words of a random woman on the internet and is currently whipping himself for being such a terrible husband. God forbid he should be concentrating on supporting her through an incredibly difficult diagnosis.

One thing I will say though is that Fiona would have been on permanent earlies (eg 5am - 1pm). Having done those shifts you do tend to for example pick up the dry cleaning as everything’s still open after work. Same with the life admin calls - you come home to a quiet empty house and just pootle about for a few hours until everyone else finishes work. I rather miss it!

So from everything he wrote, you took just that. Nothing about how he has to shower her as she doesnt know how to anymore, or he has to tell her to clean her teeth?! Or that he has to help her get dressed because she can't put her clothes on right.

He’s writing about his experiences, so he’s giving a truthful account, regardless of what others might think. Readers are currently raging about the lies in The Salt Path. At least he’s being honest.

I think to be fair to both of them, this is very generational and was usual for the woman to do the lions share.

Bloody hell, 🙄
My dp (male) does all ironing, gets most of weekly shopping, does dishes and cleans. So in my world namalt.
I would not be with him if he was this stereotypical man.
Women pick these lazy arsed men and enable them.

Perhaps she was a control freak and insisted on doing the paperwork until she became ill.

So here we are...a man now looking after his wife with early onset Alzheimers and in response all some of us can do is to bitch about lazy arsed men..