Is there etiquette to what you leave at someone’s headstone?

[lightlycultured]

Sister passed suddenly and very young, a few months ago. Truly devastated obviously. I visit her grave almost every night after the kids fall asleep. Can’t help but feel annoyed about something.

People have bought flower pots for the grave. They’ve bought flowers once, then never filled them again. At first it was just two, and I was buying the flowers to keep in them, as well as the flowers for in the headstone pot. I don’t mind buying the Mum ones, and I ordered artificial ones for the headstone but recently a third pot has appeared and I know this person won’t be frequently visiting.

Maybe I’m just being very sensitive, but to me it feels like a pressure. I want her grave to be well maintained, so I clean it weekly, and by leaving these flower pots I feel I can’t simply remove them, particularly as one was from my Dad (but purchased by his partner). But why leave things like this if you aren’t going to keep them filled? Why not something different?

Is it normal to do this sort of thing? Am I just overreacting? Never seen empty pots at anyone else’s grave so not sure. Artificial ones seem like the obvious answer but then am I rude for filling them in case they do come back in a few months? And 3 just feels like clutter! Is there an etiquette to what is left, or what is removed?

Hey op, truly sorry for your loss. I lost my lovely sister last year too, young at 32.
My sister has lots of flower pots on her grave too. My brother and I share the sister pot. I tidy up dead flowers in other pots, my sister was very tidy, so it feels respectful to her. I leave pots that are empty, just fill my flower pot. Even if pots are empty, you put flowers on there. That shows your sister is loved ❤️

You might need to check with the people who maintain the graveyard, as some have rules which don't allow certain items to be left at the graveside. They might not allow plastic flowers, for instance, or several vases.

Sorry for your loss.

You could offer them back to the people that have left them and say the flowers are finished. It might prompt them not to do it again. If they say to leave it there, leave it a while then mention that it’s getting too crowded for them all to be left there and they need to be removed. Then start removing them, instead of filling them.

I visited the grave of a friend who lived 100s miles away from me and died during covid restrictions so I hadn't been to the funeral. I messaged their sister and she asked me to remove any dead flowers when I left my own, and she'd remove my flowers when she next visited. To my mind you only put sfuff that biodegrades but I know some children's graves are covered in toys, including people bringing beer on their 18th.
I don't think people would mind you removing stuff when it's had its time. Likely they don't visit often enough to know. If you know who brought the pots you could ask them, although I don't think there's anything wrong with leaving them empty.

We used to tidy the flowers and get rid of dead ones when we visited family graves when I was little, and spread out the flowers that we'd taken so the pots all had something in them. As a young adult, living nearby, I used to do that too.
Now I live in another country, the last couple of grandparents who died I bought a plant for my garden for each of them, which has flowers that they liked. I'd hate to think of a pot standing empty or with dead flowers in it.

I don't think there's anything wrong with leaving the pots empty OP, as it gives people somewhere to put any flowers they may bring.

Truly sorry for your loss

Please look at the graveyard rules, artificial flowers often aren’t allowed nor are plastic pots. We allow bulbs and seeds to be planted or fresh flowers can be laid without plastic packaging (must be tied with biodegradable string).

And please never ever leave glass bottles, even if bottles of cider, glass gets broken - it’s a trend here, wouldn’t be as bad if they left sealed ones as I could take them home to drink later, they leave them open!

Sorry to hear about your sister too, mine was just about to turn 32 also. No age at all. That’s a nice way of putting it. Thank you x

I suppose if we’re visiting a grave regularly and no one was refilling the vases etc then I’d just maybe remove them after a couple of months or so.

If anyone mentions anything just shrug your shoulders or say they weren’t being used