For those who’ve improved their self esteem, what has helped?

[HÆLTHEPAIN]

Hi,

I’ve had ridiculously low self esteem my whole life. There are times it has been ok, like when I’ve been ‘settled’ but after a lot of soul searching I’ve come to realise that I’m only really ok when, for example, my relationship is good. Like I need that validation.

I’ve been married 18 years and with my DH for 20. We’ve always been similar in terms of attractiveness and weight wise - we’ve gained and lost weight mostly mirroring each other. Until lately. My husband has gone on a massive mid life fitness drive and is now fit, and toned and my self esteem seems inversely proportional to how I perceive his attractiveness. I hate to admit it but I have become insecure. I can’t do the fitness stuff with him due to chronic illness and he does a LOT of fitness. This also affects me in the sense that I can’t work and contribute financially anymore either, so I often feel worthless. For the record, he’s always loving, caring, and has never given me anything to feel bad about really.

Recently all of this has been exacerbated by my inability to do much and of course perimenopause.

I’m due to start counselling again on Friday - I’m lucky to be able to pay privately. I think counselling may be something I need to revisit from time to time forever.

Sorry it’s long..anyway, if any of you have any tips for what helped you turn your self esteem around, I’d be so grateful.

1. Keeping busy
2. Learning something new
3. Honing things I'm good at

Get my degree, move to a better house, be in a good position at work. All done in my 30s / within the last few years. I've worked my way up from what is perceived as the bottom rung of society, and I've reached a point where I realise that my place in life isn't at the bottom.

You're defining your worth only by how attractive you look and how much you financially contribute.

These are two things that go towards defining you as a person, but they're not all of you. If you can't think of other aspects of yourself - things that you are, or things that you do that you like - then ask others around you to describe you.

What does your DH like about you? Are you funny? Witty? A good listener? Interesting? Clever? Perceptive? Strong? Supportive? A problem solver? Persistent?

What are your interests? What are you good at? What would you like to learn? Or get better at? What have you achieved or mastered already? Although you have a health condition, what activities or interests are open for you to persue?

Can you help others? That's an easy boost to self esteem. Do good in the world. Will your health allow you to volunteer in a public facing role? Or can you find a niche for yourself to raise awareness of an isue or fundraise in a WFH capacity.

It might seem counter intuitive, but the biggest contributor to your self esteem is how you treat yourself. I’m sorry you have chronic illness to deal with, are you kind to yourself. Do do treat yourself well?

or do you take on other people’s opinion of you as determining your value ? Really encourage you to stop that and start being kind to yourself. Good luck.

Staying away from fecal people.

Thank you for the replies everyone.

@PothasProblem I’m not sure what my husband thinks of me really as I haven’t asked and my self esteem is that low I can’t think of anything myself. I suppose my husband would say I’m kind, supportive, funny, a good listener but as I say, I’m not sure. I suspect if I asked him he’d not be able to put it into words, but maybe I’ll try. I suppose I don’t feel interesting anymore because I have nothing to talk about. Even though when I worked we didn’t really talk much about it but you do have general chit chat about your day. Mine are pretty boring so I don’t have much to say.

I’ve been raising kids (I did used to work - always have until I got ill) and I’ve been ill for such a long time, that I don’t know who I am anymore. I know if I was well I’d want to be swimming and hiking and maybe just being well enough to go out and have fun without repercussions or major planning. I do have hobbies - one I only do now and then (cake making) because it really takes it out of me and I also sometimes need help with the oven etc. I also like to sew but I’ve lost my mojo with that.

I’ve tried joining social groups but the nature of my conditions means I’m often having to miss out on plans there too and I feel bad saying I’ll go somewhere and then having to cancel! I’m struggling to find a way forward. I know having my own social life would probably give me a boost but it’s being consistent that’s the problem.

@FinallyHere I’m definitely not kind to myself. I mentally berate myself for not being able to work and contribute or for being ‘boring’ because I can’t do much. My inner voice is always critical and anxious that I’m either not enough or I’m too much. I think I’ve always relied on other people’s opinions making me feel better (or worse, depending on the situation).

I’ll see what the therapist suggests on Friday too.

Sorry to read that @HÆLTHEPAIN though I'm honestly not completely surprised. Glad to read that you have therapy lined up.

Alongside therapy, I'd encourage you to get in the habit of just observing how you treat yourself and ask yourself whether you would have thought <whatever thought you have about yourself> about a friend, a sibling or a child. Maybe even note down what thought you had about yourself and then, against each thought, write what you would have said to someone you love.

This is the sort of thing it's much easier to say than to do, it's good for me to be reminded to take my own advice, so thank you too.

Do ask your husband. Give him time to think, it's a difficult question being asked to define a person, not something you consider day to day. But you listed "kind, supportive, funny, a good listener" I know you said those thoughts might belong to your husband, but it was you that thought them. That's what you think about yourself, even if that's hidden from you right now.

As far as interesting goes, what do you think about current affairs, politics, war, famine, feminism, Jeremy Clarkson, cosmetic surgery, cats as pets - cruel or not? Pick any topic you like, what are your opinions?

You've been raising kids - are they generally happy? Can you be pleased with the job of motherhood?

I love cake making and sewing too. I think you could add "creative" and possibly "artistic" to your list of what defines you.

What sort of cakes do you make? Are there aspects of cake making you find easier/more rewarding you could focus on? Personally, I could do without the actual cake baking bit and just make sugarpaste figures and flowers. Buy supermarket cakes and decorate the heck out of them.

What did you like to sew? I enjoy quilting and free motion embroidery. I can't be doing with following a pattern. I don't like to make clothes. Are there new techniques that you might be interested in trying? YouTube videos to watch to teach yourself? Or maybe hand embroidery? Or cross stitch? Or a different craft like knitting, crochet, felting, macrame?

I can imagine that it's difficult to develop in person friendships if you're not able to attend clubs regularly - I'm in a few Facebook groups where we connect by messages and videochat over our shared interests. Could that be something to explore to connect with other people.