DD and leaving school at 18

[Timepoorandpoor]

I am getting frustrated with DD. She’s doing A levels and has always planned to go to Uni and do something in PE.

Last 6 months that’s changed, she refuses to go to Uni and doesn’t know what to do. She wants to leave after 18 and do a year of “maybe” waitressing whilst she decides.

I don’t have an issue with her finding herself, but as a single parent I’ve explained numerous times that if she’s not at Uni then she needs to be working and working a good 30 hours as I can’t afford to keep her whilst she thinks.

I just don’t know where to go with her. She thinks she wants to do coaching (she already does a bit of gymnastics coaching) but those positions are quite hard to find and hard to make a living with as a sole job, much less any form of Apprenticeship.
I suggested the gym and getting qualifications that way, but no, basically in her head she has this job, which appears to be undefined other than “enjoyable and not in an office” but which appears to be nothing I suggest.

I get it’s hard for her, but she can’t seem to grasp that if she’s not going to Uni I can’t afford to keep her and that this amazing job will not just appear.

Anyway, I can’t be the first parent banging their head against a wall like this, so what do other 18 years olds leave and do if they don’t have a plan? Any suggestions, particularly in Sport that I could suggest?
She’s a good coach and gets on well with the children, but I just can’t see that happening full time as the clubs are more evening/weekends and I don’t really want her getting stuck in a cycle of bar/waitressing work and it being difficult to leave.

We did go through a phase with Media and I found a lot of apprenticeship information, but that’s now out the window too.

She does suffer somewhat from anxiety and a lack of confidence in some areas and I’m concerned that will get worse if she doesn’t leave and have something to actively work towards. I just can’t suggest anything without a list of reasons as to why that is wrong and why I “don’t understand”

Any advice or suggestions is welcome!

I wouldn't encourage any of my children to go to uni now unless it's for a job which requires higher education. Even then me and DD have looked to see if she could get an apprenticeship in what she wants to do but it isn't possible.

So no PE at uni isn't a great idea. Mainly due to the financial cost it is now. Also note that even if she gets the full grant due to your income that may not cover all her expenses as the cost of accommodation has gone up and the grant hasn't. She could look at doing a 1 year college corse in PE as they can stay in further education until 19. An apprenticeship could be a good idea, my nice is looking to do one with the RAF in physio. But your right she needs to be doing something. Even if she wants to take a year out.

But she either studies or works if you can't afford to keep her.

I’m fine with her not doing PE at Uni, I preferred the Apprenticeship route anyway, but she has flip flopped from Uni to Coaching to Media, back to coaching, to personal training, to on the job training as a PE teacher and back to coaching.

I don’t mind what she does, but the Apprenticeships take a while to find and get and at the moment she won’t commit to anything!

I think a year out could be helpful to DD. Could you work out what it costs you to keep her and explain clearly that she must prioritise earning enough to give you that, then she can use the remainder of her wages as she wants. You could just ask her to cover her food and utilities for a year and be clear that all her other costs will come from her earnings. Phone, subscriptions, dentist, cosmetics, travel to work etc. it could be a useful way of learning to budget.

Would she consider doing further training as an outward bound instructor? That could lead to other avenues she hasn’t considered.

I have given her a figure that she needs to give in a form of keep and I do think that the shine of not being in school but waitressing instead will rub off quite quickly.

I don’t want her to waste three (hopefully) good A levels and get stuck in a rut.

Im a planner and so is she, so it makes us both uncomfortable not to have a plan.

Shes going into Year 13 in September so we have some time, but it goes quickly and she needs something lined up for the Summer when she leaves.

I think she hears me talking about finances and thinks i’m talking crap and isn’t understanding that I’m not, I can’t afford to keep her whilst she doesn’t work.

I would also like, for her sake, there to be something she can work forwards to, all her friends are off to Uni and I don’t want her to regret this choice

She would, but we don’t have any of those kinds of centres anywhere near use

If she gets good A level results she can go to uni anytime. Waitressing will be good to help with her confidence, having to interact with the public will stand her in good stead for future roles while she finds her path.
She may change her mind when her peers go to uni, and decide to go after all, but plenty take a year out.

I spent a year waitressing full time between school and uni (changed mind on where I wanted to go and reapplied), I worked my arse off, had an absolute ball and made friends for life. Saved a bit, spent a bit going to the USA for a month aged 19 which was incredible.

Post uni I still didn’t know what I wanted to do so carried on waitressing and ended up as an assistant manager. It was harder work and less fun even aged 22 than it was at 18 and when I did the maths, realised I would never be able to afford to live independently so I got into a “career” type job which has done me well ever since (and that did pay me enough to buy a house with!). The waitressing taught me graft, to deal with the public, independence and gave me confidence which I was lacking.

What I chose as the “career” type job at 23 was miles away from what I would have said I wanted to be at 18 (banking, I would have said BORING and rolled my eyes at you!). I just needed to be that little bit older- and actually after many years working long hours and minimum wage the healthy salary, stable hours and opportunity for progression outweighed the fact that on paper the job was boring. I’d had my fun and was simply ready to have different priorities. My SIL is similar- was an outdoor activities instructor until mid 20s- great fun until you can’t afford to move out. Switched to a corporate career and doesn’t hate it, earns well, simply would never have managed it at 18.

if she’s got coaching experience can she get qualified and maybe use it to travel? Think Camp America type thing or working holiday/ ski season/cruise ship activity staff? Gets her out from under your feet and will be valuable life experience. Sounds like she has a knack for it so may as well utilise it.

@user1471548941 this is my thoughts. I’ve waitressed in my younger days and it was bloody hard, she does it part time (maybe 4-5 hours a week) and I don’t think she has any concept of how hard it is to do another 25 hours of it per week. To her £200 per week sounds amazing, until she realises life is a lot more costly than that.

I would like her to qualify as a coach and maybe do it alongside a career that pays a bit better, but it would do her good to have a bit of travel for sure!

She desperate to do a job she loves because she’s seen me do some jobs I have hated just to keep us ticking by and she doesn’t want that, and I don’t want that for her either, but she has got quite a romantic notion of work which I think she will find to be even more disappointing than school 🤣

Why does her turning 18 make life suddenly unaffordable out of interest?

Loss of CMS, loss of UC, loss of Child benefit, loss of Council tax discount. I will lose a reasonable amount, which is fine, but alongside that I can’t fund her not working.

I think she hears me talking about finances and thinks i’m talking crap and isn’t understanding that I’m not, I can’t afford to keep her whilst she doesn’t work.

Would it help to go through the bills with her, to give her an idea?

There are jobs in sports centres - I spent my holidays from 6th form onwards lifeguarding and teaching swimming, and one of my friends ended up working there full time, including running various sportshall sessions with schools. He's a PE teacher now, having gone to uni a few years after the rest of us.

You are very unlikely to be local, but this is an example of an apprenticeship near me - https://ce0976li.webitrent.com/ce0976li_webrecruitment/wrd/run/ETREC179GF.open?WVID=612290007I.

@EBearhug it might help. I’ve always shielded the kids somewhat from any financial struggles I’ve had and it’s my fault that she perhaps doesn’t quite get it, but I’ve always felt they were my issues and I didn’t want them worrying over money.

Sports centre is a good idea. I was aiming to get her to do her life guarding in the next 6 months anyway

My DD wasn’t sure where she wanted to go to uni and had a gap year aged 18. Mostly she worked in retail and she enjoyed it. She eventually picked where to go to uni and is there studying. She earned quite a bit during the gap year but also spent quite a lot of it! It did teach a bit about work ethic. I don’t see the harm in a bit of time to think and to earn at the same time. I am a single parent too. Going to uni costs a lot - it’s costing me money for her to be there! It’s not a race to get through a degree and into work though. It all takes a bit of time.

Don’t blame anything on being a single parent or finances. I could afford for my dd to sit around and do nothing. She knows full well that is not an option. School or a full-time job are her choices. It can also be a combination that adds up to the equivalent of full-time.

its not about money, its about making sure they don’t waste this time in their life. The time when they have support and a safety. The time when they can try something, fail and try something else and the consequences just aren’t the same as they will be later in life.

I’d encourage her to take a year out and work and do some travelling. So good for teens, she can pay her way while at home, and save the rest for travelling. Give her a chance see what working full time in a low paid job is really like, learn loads of skills and life experience from travelling. See some other cultures. A year to mature and decide what she wants to do going forward.