What does "dating" mean to a 14 year old?

[S1K1PPSO]

Oh god. My 14 year old DD has dropped into conversation that she and are lad are "dating".

The conversation was in the context of the goings on in her friendship group. Of course it isn't a total surprise at her age. But I was not prepared in that moment, and in the interests of not immediately interrogating her I said something along the lines of "ah that sounds exciting" but let her continue talking about her friends and trail off without her offering further detail and without asking for it. She is a very good girl, and she does talk to me when things are worrying her but she is also quite reserved and isn't the type to spill her every thought.

But now I'm wondering. What does "dating" even mean in this context?! They have not in fact been on any "dates", but I suppose there have been short opportunities to hang around together in a group after school for an hour. Where on the scale of "status only, maybe an occasional shy handhold" to "intense romance" does "dating" fit at this age?!

Also, if you would like to tell me all the ways I handled the conversation wrong and what I can do better I'm all ears...

Well from holding hands to second, third base depends on the boy and privacy.

At 14, anything from hanging around with each other to shagging.

From what I learnt from my DD, who was 14 eight years ago, it seems to mean spending most of their time together at school. In my DD's case, they also went to one another's houses. DD laughs it off now. I think you handled it fine and should be pleased your DD told you about it.

😆 See this is what I'm worried about, it's a pretty wide range! I like to think she's the type to be on the innocent end of the scale, but naive parents are born every day, twas ever thus. I don't really want to scare her off with a "please don't shag people" speech yet, at least before I've gathered my senses and had the "so, tell me about Boy" chat.

I agree with @MemorableTrenchcoat the term "dating" can really mean anything at age 14. A lot will depend what your daughters friendship group are doing. Doo you speak with other Mums of the group - along with her chats with you what sorts of things has your daughter said others are doing (if anything?)

It's great that she told you though and I don't think there is a "perfect" way to respond so you did great. But I think I'd use this as a prompt to talk to her about relationships and sex. You know her best so just start with whatever level you think appropriate - just start the conversation.

Also no harm in getting to know the boy - invite him over to hang out after school then you get a feel for him yourself.

I would discuss what a healthy relationship feels like and how people treat each other and the power to say no to anything that makes her feel uncomfortable. yes we did talk about touching and safe sex plus also that it’s better to wait and under 16 sex is not legal to protect both of them. Ensure you have a safe phrase that she can use if ever needs to contact you for pick up immediately no questions asked like. “Has Auntie Mary arrived yet” I’d think most importantly just let her feel safe to talk to you with no judgement, which is hard to do sometimes. Mum here to two teenager DDs but honestly there is such a wide meaning of dating at that age.

Our best conversations were and still are in the car driving anywhere or walking the dog.

You need to have the safe sex chat.

And a conversation about consent, no meaning no, and 16 being the age of consent.

She hasn't told me any specifics about what her friends get up to. They all seem to be fairly straightlaced, good students, normal parents etc as far as I can tell. I wish she was a bit more open with me and I've done my best to be approachable and let her know I've always got her back, but as I say she's fairly reserved and self contained and has never been the type to voice her every thought. Which is why I'm trying to gather my thoughts a bit so I can talk to her about this but without making her cringe and close down too much!

I think I'll start with the "tell me about him" chat, then move on to healthy relationships and consent (which obvs I have mentioned over the years). Then drip feed other info/conversation starters based on that as time goes on.

Or I might lock her in the house for five years or so with no windows or WiFi, I'm still weighing it up...

When I was 14 we would meet down the road, walk to the chip shop holding hands, have a few snogs. That was it. But that was 1999.

My 14 and 12 year old are both dating.

Hanging round at school, walking home together, going into town, the cinema, lots of holding hands and facetiming.

Simpler times! ❤️

In 99 I was a desperately uncool and shy older teenager in an all girls school so I missed out on the teenage few snogs at the chippy experience. I've grown out of my shyness, take me back for another chance! 😆

I'm sure it is all very harmless and sweet young love. Even a now is the time to really chat about relationships and sex.
It may also be time to get her some condoms, just because she has them does not mean she has to use them but just in case plus they protect from sti's.

At 14 they are usually sexting and sending nudes to each other on snap chat - most parents don’t realise but that’s the norm amongst majority sadly.

She doesn't have snapchat, and although I don't constantly trawl through phone, I periodically give it a quick glance, although admittedly that's dropping off now she's older. She's still fairly restricted, can't downloaded apps without approval, screen time limits set, and the phone stays downstairs night. I realise all of those things are only deterrents it won't stop them if they are determined, but I like to think she is smarter than that. We've had many many little chats and comments about the permanence of the internet and how you should never commit to writing or photo something you wouldn't want read out in court and front of your whole family...😆

I get that it is common, but surely not an actual majority.

Simpler maybe, higher rate of teenage pregnancy definitely! I was 14 in 1988 and we had 3 pregnancies that I knew about in my year at school. Lots of sex (and drugs more rave than rock and roll).

I agree that being a healthy relationship is the most important thing.

It depends on the kid and the person they’re dating. It’s not just the physical part you need to keep an eye on, but the emotional one too. DD had a relationship that was completely innocent physically(hand holding only, they were working their way to a hug), but wayyy too intense emotionally and it ended up making her miserable, so I had to intervene.

I’ve got tight restrictions on my teens phone but he has Snapchat and it’s been a nightmare - he regularly receives nudes from girls and told me more than half of his class (all boys grammar) send them so yes I do think sadly it’s the majority. I’m absolutely dreading navigating this with my little girl.

Hell would freeze over before I’d allow my 12yo to do this!

Good job I'm not you then.

He's known her his whole life. The only difference Is now they hold hands.

What do you mean? Which bit wouldn't you allow?