Has life turned out how you imagined?

[orzo15]

My life is far from how 20 something old me imagined. I am in my 30s, divorced and single, a mum to a gorgeous little boy who i had with a gay friend of mine. Living abroad, still renting, lost both parents by 31. There are some great parts of my life and some not so great. I had always envisaged the traditional trajectory of meet someone, fall in love, buy a lovely home and have 2 kids and a dog. I still see that in friends around me and feel a pang of envy, and I really hope to meet someone one day soon but also feel a bit hopeless about it now.

Curious about other peoples life paths and if they have gone in the direction they thought

Comparison is the thief of joy OP! I got married and settled down young (although childfree by choice) and often think it’d have been nice to enjoy my 20s a bit more. I’d love to have lived abroad! But then I might not be where I am in my career, have my lovely husband etc - swings and roundabouts I reckon 😊

No, but I couldn’t be happier with how it has turned out.

In our Year 11 leavers’ assembly when leaving secondary school to go on to the sixth form (or as I did, a separate sixth form college) our Headteacher told us all intently that “if you don’t know where you’re going in life – that’s where you’ll end up.”

What he meant by that, I know, was that we should all set ourselves goals and make plans and think carefully about who and what we want to be. To take life seriously and not just coast.

And I’m not sure if it was conscious or subconscious, but I’ve taken it a different way. I’ve made a fruitful, enjoyable and goddamn awesome life by not having any plans or expectations, following things as they arise in front of me, saying “yes” to things because they sound like a good adventure (or at least a good story to tell afterwards) and just seeing where I end up. And I’ve ended up in an amazing place in both my career and my personal life – one far better and more enriching, and which has made me happier, wealthier, more successful and utterly surrounded by amazing people and things and opportunities, than if I’d ever decided at 16 / 18 / 21 (or any age) based on a very basic view of what life should look like how I wanted my life to pan out and made goals to fit

@ByGreenHiker I know, i made my choice because of circumstances. I was told i might never have a baby, i then had a miscarriage with an ex who broke up with me and i was devastated but realised i could get pregnant. Doctors kept telling me not to wait to try because i have such a low egg reserve and other issues.

So i made a choice to have a baby and not miss out on that experience, rather than date someone and have to rush to have a baby with them. And between those decisions I did date, and didn't find love so I made a choice. I'm not asking for judgement on my choices, just curious on other peoples life paths

Im not judging - just it didn't make sense. Why you wanted a traditional marriage and a family and didn't go for it.

That now makes sense. You have your son you might never have had otherwise and a good life, just enjoy.

My life didn't turn out the way I expected other than for the career path I chose. That worked well. The rest is a train wreck though.

It totally is and i am trying so hard to remember that! I am sure if i had gone down a different path i would be thinking about something else. Its only lately as friends are buying houses, getting engaged and planning their second kids that i have pondered this lately. I wanted this thread as a good reminder to not do that!

Sort of but what I got isn’t as good as I thought it would be! Marriage in particular..

No. I’m early 40s with 2 lovely kids and a husband, but the husband barely earns enough to support us, we get buy by universal credit helping and his small income and we still rent.. it could be a lot worse but could also be a lot better. I’m semi happy but grateful for my kids x

Sorry didn't mean to get snippy, makes sense you would wonder. I have been judged before so feel a bit defensive of it!

I was totally on set for the traditional trajectory in my 20s, then my mum got cancer and died and it just completely derailed my life, I realised i wasn't very happy in my relationship, so i ended it and moved abroad. I often think of sliding doors moments, what would have happened if i had done this instead, my mum hadn't got ill, i didn't move abroad. A pointless activity i know!

I’m so sorry you went through that @xSideshowAuntSallyXx you sound so brave to extricate yourself from that.

I think it is nearly harder with your up bringing because you are so bonded with family and it is such an idealised view to have to break down to get out. I think people often think that abused women come from dysfunctional families but I don’t think that is necessarily the case at all. Abusers deliberately seek out qualities they lack in a partner and people from really good families often give them chances over and over because they are good people. It is so sad. I see it with my own mother in law and her husband.

You have my sympathy there. My mum died of cancer when I was quite young too. It does really throw you.

I'm sorry you went through that too, it really does

TW mentions CSA.

Ironically my own life turned out exactly as imagined and for the longest time it was my absolute greatest fear that it would but it could not be better in the end.

I had very emotionally avoidant parents who have quite strong rigid beliefs about how people should behave really in order to regulate their own emotions.

Their eldest son abused their daughters for decades in one case but less so for me. My parents instigated full on forgiveness mode and carpet sweeping mode which I had a deep understanding that they would do knowing them as I did from childhood so I knew eventually I would be completely emotionally abandoned by my family. That happened eventually and ironically it has been the best thing that ever happened to me.

They lack any insight into their behaviour so it is better and emotionally safer to be out of their line of control.

Their behaviour has allowed me to develop into a person I feel genuinely proud of and comfortable with today. I would not change the outcome for the world and nothing would bring me back to the life I had with my family in the past. My mother is an alcoholic now, all swept under the carpet, my parents have continued their relationship with my brother by forgiving him ignoring he was still raping their daughter into her thirties all swept under the carpet. My sister is the glue that holds the whole thing together and my other brothers always struggled with having similar personality traits to my parents.

My own husband and kids are just a nice, pleasant, honest family muddling along dealing with some really difficult shit but getting on extremely well in a real and genuine life. We fuck up all the time and are as far from perfect as can be but we are deeply happy and loving and supportive family and I feel unbelievably lucky and eternally grateful to have what I have.

I thought I would never meet anyone - that I would be the last one ‘left of the shelf. My self-worth was so, so low when I was young.

I imagined I would struggle with infertility, the way my mum did.

But I thought I would have had a bit of an exciting career, following on from my (specific) education.

I met Mr Right, married young, worked for a bit then had two children very quickly and easily and became a SAHM

We’ve been together for 38 years.

I’ve been very lucky on all those levels.

But we are not as comfortable as I would have imagined. I haven’t had a career ahs my husband has not been as high an earner as I would have imagined. But I am not complaining. I am happy.

Yes life is exactly as I imagined and wanted.

I'm married to my husband of 20 years, with a little dog, live in a house that I love, in a beautiful town, I'm fit and active and massively involved in outdoor pursuits and the fitness lifestyle, and I'm in a senior role in my career.

The bad?

A dodgy relationship with my mum, where we never fight and I never voice my concerns and hurt, but keep her massively at arms length for the sake of my own mental health.

My husband seems to always have one health issue or another troubling him these days. His parents are incredibly sickly and I really hope he doesn't follow after them.

Friendships have never particularly clicked for me. I've got a few mates and a nice social life. But I find friendships quite hard work and fairly unrewarding.

I mean... I'm not living in a beautiful farmhouse in the Italian countryside doing pottery on a grand terrace while my inexplicably good looking, strong and artistic husband makes dinner with our 5 incredibly well behaved and intelligent children and our two large (but never in the way) dogs nap by the door.

But that was more a fantasy than a realistic idea anyway. In reality, I have 3 wonderful children (one with ASD which was definitely not something I'd imagined as I'd never had any experience of it) i actually married an old friend I'd known most of my life (definitely not the blacksmith/carpenter with a sentive side and great hair that id imagined) and live in the same town I'd grown up in... some ways it's not as nice as the fantasy but in many ways it's better. Only the other day we had a load of friends and their kids over for an impromptu after school bbq/ play date and I did think "yes, this is the fantasy. All the kids playing together having a great time. The parents relaxing and chatting in the sun. This is the bit you imagine when you have a family."

@TheNameIsDickDarlington that’s lovely 😊

It’s really hard OP. 47, one child, single 15 years. Sometimes I feel on the outside, but I actively try to make the most of everything. Life is often not what it seems. Society is constantly shoving the need to be married/ have multiple children down our throats, but we’re living our best life how we are

Pretty much, maybe not how I imagined but basically what I’d hoped for.
Been with dh for 23 years, 3 almost all grown up children, nice house, good jobs and financially secure.
While it doesn’t seem very exciting to many, I had a fairly complex and sad home life as a kid and growing up all i craved was stability and normality and routine and ‘boring normal life’ and now that I have it I don’t take it for granted.
No better feeling than all of us sitting down together to eat our dinner together.
I don’t think in the past I ever imagined I COULD have a normal happy settled stable life but I did always hope for it.

If at 20 I’d have forecast where I’d be now (50) I’d have said -
Happily married with two children and a dog. A career I love. Well off financially. Nice 4 bed house in a lovely area ( not where I grew up) lovely family who I enjoy being with and a wonderful friendship group who I socialise/ go on holidays with. I love to travel and see the world.

Reality-
Married to a man I love but not happiest I could be. Three kids, 2 amazing girls who are adults now and good friends. A son who has complex needs and will likely need support long term. We have a dog, Extended family are hard work. We live in the town I grew up in but do have a four bedroom house. No career, I have a part time job that I enjoy. We are ok financially we can pay bills and save a bit. I have a health condition that causes chronic pain so no travelling and seeing the world for me. No strong friends (other than dds) a couple of old friends who stay in touch and meet a couple time a year and a school mum friend. Managing my son and my pain is very challenging, dh has to take a lot on and work full time he is very stressed and depressed.

Not quite what I had envisioned.

I thought I would have time working abroad and have some super glamorous life where the sun is always shining. Actually I never moved further than about 10 miles from my parents 😅

Finally, yes. It’s all just taken a lot longer than hoped. Hang in there!

I used to dream of having a cottage in beautiful English countryside, filled with snow in winter and beautiful sunshine in summer. I wanted to have two children, a boy and a girl. I wanted to be a teacher and I wanted a dog. I have it all apart from the dog. I feel very lucky.

I came from a very abusive and chaotic and traumatic childhood. I made a beautiful life for myself. married a husband I deeply deeply love and managed to have a home I loved and financial security. a lovely group of friends we went on holiday with. lots of travel and interests in life. had a deep interest in art and built a lovely contemporary art collection. got going in my dream career nad submitted my PhD and then went into psychosis and lost everything and developed serious health problems, ,y marriage became abusive, I lost my faith and career and most of my friends and I cant work. but the worst thing is that I just do not know who I am or have any sense at all of link with the old person I was who I was proud of and loved. im literally a zombie and I try so hard.

at 53 my abusive father assaulted my husabnd and tried ot break into my house last week.

I thought I’d have a life like my parents, happily married, easy children, full lives with lots of friends, holidays and happy times. I married a man who turned out to be abusive and my two kids are far from easy. My career turned out ok, not as glamorous as I’d hoped but in the field I wanted to work in and well paid enough. I’m now with a man who I love deeply but we met when it was too late to have children together, and it wouldn’t have been a good idea as my children needed all my focus without bringing another into the mix. So, the things that have been completely within my control (career, move to London) have worked out, but the curveballs have kinda derailed the dream. But, overall, it’s not such a bad life.

My life has generally turned out as I sort of imagined, although I never imagined that I would get old! Even now, I forget that I'm old sometimes.

I had some odd ideas about being a woman when I was a child, mostly due to my idiotic mother and Disney films. Thankfully, I had left all that behind by age 30.