Worried about secondary school and current friends

[ElspethMcG1llicuddy]

Really hoping other people may have had similar stories and positive outcomes!

Essentially my DS is going to secondary school and one of his closest friends (Jack) and another boy from his class (Oliver) will be in his new class.

However, Jack is now making it really obvious that he no longer wants to be friends with my DS - whenever I hear him talking to my DS (online when gaming or in person when they are here) he's telling my DS he is cringe or making it obvious he'd rather hang out Oliver/is really dismissive of my DS and rude. He's also happy to come over here and be with my DS but no longer invites him back to his. As far as I'm aware there's been nothing to cause a falling out but I think Oliver is very much seen as a 'cool' kid and so Jack just wants to be his friend, whereas my DS is a little bit younger for his age/doesn't like to game as much/watch horror films etc whereas Jack and Oliver do.

Jack has a bit of history for doing this, as he did something similar a few years back but if I say anything to my DS about it he gets very defensive and it's so hard to watch my DS messaging and chatting to Jack and Jack just being monosyllabic/ignoring him in return.

Obviously Jack doesn't have to be DS's friend and he has every right to make new friends but I'm just concerned that Jack and Oliver will make things difficult in the new school as DS will want to be friends with them and they don't want that - which again is obviously totally fine but just heartbreaking to watch them be so dismissive to him and treat him like he's an idiot when he thinks everything is as it was.

We're doing a lot of talking about all the new friends he is going to meet at secondary school but he doesn't want to talk about what's going on now so it's hard to know how to tackle it - I'd love to tell him to stop messaging them if they're ignoring him but don't know how to!

Has anyone else experienced a DC going to a secondary school with tricky friendships continuing and have your DCs moved on from those difficult friends and found some nice ones? Or any tips for how to address it with my DS so he doesn't get defensive but gives him some skills to feel confident to make new friends/move away from Jack?

Aw bless him. The same sort of thing happened to me at secondary. I think his friend will realise it’s more difficult then he thinks making new friends at secondary if you’re an arsehole and will come crawling back apologising. It’s hard to drop your friends at that age if they’re treating you unkindly so I would just stop mentioning it for now. I would take his lead on talking about secondary and leave it for now as he’s got a while yet and presumably starting in September.

him and his friends are young, his friend may apologise and it’s up to your son if he wants to keep him around or not, but it’s very likely he will make new friends at school. Depending on how they split the classes there might be a few classes he doesn’t have them in, so he will be forced to talk to the other kids!

but yeah as I say, I would leave it for now as he’s clearly doesn’t want to talk about it and take his lead and only talk about it if he mentions it first, you can maybe try approaching the topic again in August.

definitely keep an eye on his devices and if there’s any awful/inappropriate messages or cyber bullying you should step in and ring their parents

Thank you! (Although I'm really sorry that happened to you too.) I think I do need to just back off a bit 🤦‍♀️ DS is an only so this is my first experience of this and I think, due to some other family experiences, I'm hyper-alert for bullying or something. So I definitely need to chill a bit and, as you say, follow his lead. I hadn't thought about how hard it is to drop your friends when they're being unkind at that age too, so thank you for that too. I'll just back off a bit and keep everything crossed for September.

I wouldn’t worry. By Christmas they usually have new friends from their form or sports and this occupies them so they don’t think as much about primary school friends. Especially if they’re in different classes so they may not see each other a lot.
The ones that think they’re cool in primary school often have a rude awakening when they’re the little ones again at high school.

As well as Jack and Oliver, there will be plenty of others in the class, all from different places and different experiences. Then they will be in sets and groups that may not be the same, with other people they’ve never met before.

They've been big fish in a small pond. It’s the opposite in year 7. Sometimes they stick with primary mates and add new ones. Sometimes they gravitate towards new people and sometimes it’s a mix of both.

He’ll find his tribe.

I would contact the new school and ask that he isn’t put in the same class as Jack and Oliver. That way, they can’t let their snootiness towards him rub off on potential friends.

I agree, and I think this should be your only involvement in the matter. Wishing your son all the best, friendships can be hard to navigate at that age!

They may be split up lots if the new school streams/sets for lots of lessons. My child is only in her form group for form but split up for most other things which is good and encourages new friendships. Otherwise is it possible them to put him in a different form class and have a fresh start.

Thanks, everyone. I think the only issue with putting him in a new form is that my DS doesn't feel there is a problem and is pleased Jack is in his class, so I don't know how I'd present it that wouldn't leave him feeling unhappy. Plus he spent most of last week with his new teacher/new class (the new school has three transition days) so it would feel very unfair to him to move him to a form where he doesn't know anyone? But I think I will keep it in mind once he starts and see how it pans out. He vaguely knows 3/4 others in the new class thanks to extra curricular stuff so I'm hopeful he will be able to build those friendships too.

This is shite. Don’t do this.

Yes, please don’t do that it’s a terrible idea.

Obviously it Varies by school,but my DS only spend 20 mia day in their "form". They are completely mixed up for everything else. Their friends are in a mixed classes and even year groups.