Im laying here desperately sad

[Sharkpenis]

I feel like this might need a trigger warning for SA, even though its not explicit, its pretty obvious.

I don't know if anyone is awake and I don't really expect replies because this will be a garbled mess.

I am so desperately sad, I have been through a lot in my life and I have been angry and everything all at once.

But tonight it is weighing heavily on my mind. Ive recently found out I have silent supporters, strangers I don't know but who believe me and root for me and its meant so much that its opened feelings up. The thing is, im so desperately sad for myself, for what ive been through, for the young girl I once was, for my naivety being exploited. And ive always seen everything through my own perspective, holding onto the beliefs I had, or thought I had, mostly what was drilled into, me I was told about myself, what I was made to believe. And I am not that person I was made to think I am.

I was a victim, I was preyed upon, chosen because I was vulnerable. So many lies others told about me to negate what I was trying so hard to say, I ended up believing their lies.

So I am sat here at just after midnight, tears streaming down my face, because I am so incredibly sad and hurt. And I don't know what to do with it. I am slowly finding the courage to find my voice even if its just my voice to myself, and slowly im trying to stand up for myself, I don't know what that's going to look like yet. So I thought I would at least share it here, to at least get it out.

Thank you if you've read this

Didn't want to leave this unread OP but well done for being so open and honest with yourself. I hope you can start working towards some form of peace

I’m here holding your hand. Please don’t be sad, be proud of coming this far.

If I may be selfish, though, today is 38 years since my dad died. I was six. I feel so sad for the little girl whose family was ripped apart and who had so much put on her shoulders at such a young age.

But she, and you, survived. Let’s have a cry, a good sleep and wake up tomorrow ready to take on the world. Or failing that, have a lie in x

Thank you so much. I am bit by bit reclaiming I think. I just didn't realise it would hurt so much. I really appreciate your reply, thank you for making me feel so not alone

Sorry for your loss at such a young age @RainbowSlimeLab

I'm sorry to hear about the awful things you've been through. You can get through this, believe in yourself and move forward. You are not defined by your past, or by your abusers. 💐

Hugs to you I also have had a difficult life and struggle to ever be happy I know how you feel, but although I and you may never heal u will find peace I did it took along time and brought a whole new set if issues life is hard but I'm doing my best and it sounds like you are too be proud u know your own mind and try to find joy where you can xxxxx

How lovely it must feel to realise there are others who believe in you and support you. If it means anything at all, I believe you. I hope you find the strength to keep moving forwards.

Thank you, that handhold means a lot. One of my not silent silent supporters is chatting with me, she's pretty awesome.

You can definitly be selfish, I cant imagine the hurt you've carried. But ill sit here with a hand hold for you too.

A lie in sounds like a pretty solid plan 👌 x

You're all so lovely. Finding out there was a bunch of strangers silently supporting me was huge. I couldn't believe it. I just automatically assumed that no one would believe me and that he would be believed. It hadn't crossed my mind that I might be wrong

You're going through a grieving process for the past you should have had, and which was taken from you. You are showing great courage and strength of character, and a happier future is waiting for you now.

Hugs, OP. Wishing you a safer and more peaceful future. I am so glad you have some people on your team 💐

Thank you all so much, it feels like I have even more supporters! Its nice feeling like im not alone.

I had a big cry, and something to eat, the tears are gone. Though my eyes are sore and puffy and ive got a headache.

PP who said its like grieving for the life I should have had, that makes a bit of sense to me. Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself.

You're all so lovely and I really hope those that need to, find their own peace 🥰

Thank you all for your support last night, I eventually got to sleep about 3am and I did indeed have a lay in. Feeling more settled today and im just going to try and be nice to myself today

Self reflection takes bravery, courage and endurance. There will be painful moments and tsunamis of negative thought and emotions.
i'm here to tell you that you will weather the storm and come out the other side. You won't be the same person that walks out of the storm that walked into the storm. That's what the storm is all about. It is cleansing. A return to innocence.
And it will be worth it.