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Original poster

Is it still seen as 'not cool' to try hard at school?

31 replies

TaDuck · 04/07/2025 08:19

My daughter is starting school in September and I couldn't sleep last night so I was reminiscing about my school days.

I remember how embarrassing it was to try hard at things, everyone always used to make out like they hadn't revised for their exams, didn't practice etc. My mum even used to tell me to pretend not to care if people were mean to me and basically just act u unbothered all the time 😂I wear my heart on my sleeve and so does DD so I used to get upset about not doing as well as I wanted to (DD is the same!) So pretending I didn't care didn't really work for me 😂but then I was never cool!

Is this still what its like at school these days??

OP posts:
MidnightPatrol · 04/07/2025 08:21

I think it depends on many things - down to the group of friends you have.

Which is very difficult to have any influence over!

pourmeadrinkpls · 04/07/2025 08:24

MidnightPatrol · 04/07/2025 08:21

I think it depends on many things - down to the group of friends you have.

Which is very difficult to have any influence over!

Probably this. Nothing cool about ending up a poor loser! It was awhile ago, but I would say the only people who thought it was uncool to study for exams were the girls who ended up pregnant drop outs (all girls school) or the ones who weren't very smart anyway

Wakemeuuuup · 04/07/2025 08:24

DS just finished a levels. His friendship groups have always been competitive. This includes boys and girls always wanting the highest marks, most reward points etc

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KnickerlessFlannel · 04/07/2025 08:27

I'm not sure if you're talking about primary or secondary but both of my girls at primary have a (healthy and motivating) sense of wanting to do as well or better than their friends in tests, reading book bands etc.

Notreallyme27 · 04/07/2025 08:28

It depends on the school. Unfortunately our local secondary is very much like this. I doubt the local grammar school is the same.

I was helping a 14 year old relative with maths homework and asked why he didn’t have a protractor. He told me if he was the type of kid who had a protractor, he’d have no mates. It’s very sad.

OverheardInAWhisper · 04/07/2025 08:29

Kindly, the best thing you can do for your child is to stop projecting insecurities from your own schooldays onto her.

pourmeadrinkpls · 04/07/2025 08:31

Notreallyme27 · 04/07/2025 08:28

It depends on the school. Unfortunately our local secondary is very much like this. I doubt the local grammar school is the same.

I was helping a 14 year old relative with maths homework and asked why he didn’t have a protractor. He told me if he was the type of kid who had a protractor, he’d have no mates. It’s very sad.

Oh that is sad. You should tell him you bet Bill Gates had a protractor. I feel anyone trying to bring someone down for studying is someone who isn't very smart amd has no prospects themselves (which is understandable, but then it's good to have comebacks if you're teased for it)

Cappuccino5 · 04/07/2025 08:34

Very much depends on the school. I’m not trying to be deliberately snobbish but you’re far more likely to come across this attitude at the local comprehensive rather than a grammar school for example. DD went to a highly regarded grammar - bad grades definitely weren’t seen as cool and even the more blasé pupils massively smartened their act up when it came to GCSEs and A levels.

EvelynBeatrice · 04/07/2025 08:36

It depends entirely on the school, the pupils and the parent group. It’s one of the most common reasons why people choose independent schools - or move to a grammar school area etc - they want their child in a cohort which is likely to share their values of work as hard as you can and aspire to achievement.

Britneyfan · 04/07/2025 08:36

I know what you mean OP, this was how it was in my schooldays too even at the local very highly regarded grammar school, though I agree when it came to actual GCSE exams and A-levels it was suddenly different! For what it’s worth, my own son has just finished sixth form and my impression is that for his generation it’s completely the reverse and it’s now cool to be high achieving.

Rainbows41 · 04/07/2025 08:37

With two children in grammar school, I don't know if this makes a difference or not, but they both strive to get the best marks. However, not all of their friends are the same. It's very individual.

foreverbasil · 04/07/2025 08:40

Notreallyme27 · 04/07/2025 08:28

It depends on the school. Unfortunately our local secondary is very much like this. I doubt the local grammar school is the same.

I was helping a 14 year old relative with maths homework and asked why he didn’t have a protractor. He told me if he was the type of kid who had a protractor, he’d have no mates. It’s very sad.

I’ve come across this really often (work with children but not a teacher). A child I worked with once was mortified when I suggested that they get a pencil case with basic items in = social death in lots of schools.
This does tend to change if they get to sixth form but they tread a careful path up to that point.

slideitoverthere · 04/07/2025 09:18

Ds2 has always been high achieving academically in both primary and then secondary. Luckily at secondary he found his tribe, also high achieving and it did make them targets in GCSE years in the mixed ability classes ie Geography/History mainly asking what mark they got to compare themselves to. However, school massively encourage success, reward that success and were great at stomping out any bullying.

Their school houses were named after successful people and they were all given talks on them when they started. It did mean that school emphasised that the smart phone you are carrying and the games you play on your console or the tv you watch require people who excel at maths and physics and so there will be students in this school who are good at that. They also talked about creative people, the fashion industry, art, sculpture, hairdressing, etc. A lovely broad range of skills to be celebrated.

The school is outstanding and has a high Progress 8 score across the board, low, middle, high ability. They talk about having choices when you leave school and it starts early with future focus, anything beyond school, jobs, salaries, housing costs. Seriously. They also have evenings for parents to show you how to support your child's learning journey. Every child is offered support to succeed.

As to Ds's approach, if someone took a verbal swipe at him he didn't hold back. I do believe that today's "swot" is now called a sweat and if called a sweat Ds would reply it wasn't even hard. He also did say have you been practising asking if they want fries with that? Harsh but he gives as good as he gets, it isn't just one way insults.

Bamboozlinggreen · 04/07/2025 09:40

pourmeadrinkpls · 04/07/2025 08:24

Probably this. Nothing cool about ending up a poor loser! It was awhile ago, but I would say the only people who thought it was uncool to study for exams were the girls who ended up pregnant drop outs (all girls school) or the ones who weren't very smart anyway

Show quote history

Oh 😮 maybe I'm not included in this because I did my GCSEs 7 months pregnant and still got straight as and bs. When I finished school just under 10 years ago it was only idiots (cannot be bothered to think of a better word) who thought this way and they were made fun of more than the other way round. I really wouldn't worry op

JohnWickAteMyHamster · 04/07/2025 09:46

For my daughter (15) it seems like it is cool for girls to be "nerdy" - good at maths, into science, likes gaming etc. I don't like the association of nerdy to maths and science particularly, especially as it seems to be a label much more for girls than boys but it means my daughter can indulge her love of numbers and spreadsheets and all things mathsy so I'm not gonna fight it too hard 😂

pantheistsboots · 04/07/2025 09:53

FWIW my son is in Year 7 at a very middling comp and says this isn't an issue at all. Many of the popular kids are also the smart ones. He has his hand up all the time in lessons, has received a clutch of subject commendations and hasn't been picked on for it once.

I went to a very similar school as a straight A-star student and felt as though I had to put a lot of energy into staying under the radar. But I think things have changed in many comps, so it's important to keep an open mind and not project one's own experiences onto DC.

Pricelessadvice · 04/07/2025 09:56

This was very much the vibe when I was at school (90s- grammar) but I was surprised when I became a teacher to see that it wasn’t like that anymore generally.
Most kids, albeit there were exceptions, were keen to do pretty well.

SoManyDandelions · 04/07/2025 10:33

DS15 is at a state comprehensive in the NE. He is very clever and his friendship group all work hard and want to do well. They call each other nerds if they get 100% on an exam, but this is seen as a friendly compliment and something to be aspired to 🤣

I'm sure there are plenty of kids who roll their eyes at them and think they are uncool, but DS and his friends aren't remotely bothered.

NamefromNowhere · 04/07/2025 10:58

In primary school my son was quite competitive and always enjoyed being near the 'top' of the class when they got scores on anything.
That all changed when he went to secondary school. He is doing okay but could pull his finger out a lot more, and I get the impression that it is seen as bit uncool to study hard. I have pointed out that the high-paying jobs that the 'nerds' will be enjoying in the future will be very cool.

PasDevantLes · 04/07/2025 11:04

It was the case when I was at a rough, failing school in the 80s (basically, if you could read and write, you'd better also be really good with your fists), and the popular girls were the truants, fighters and pregnancy dropouts. Getting an A made you a pariah.

DS is now at secondary, and everyone is ferociously competitive about getting good marks. There seems to be no negative correlation between 'cool kid' and doing well academically.

Wishing14 · 04/07/2025 11:09

I do find comments about ‘losers’ and ‘idiots’ quite mean spirited. It’s not all about effort, and just like looks it’s very much luck of the draw. I was naturally quite intelligent, learnt to read quickly and as such was interested and engaged at school, wanted to do well. But if I sat down to meaningless symbols swimming on a page, difficulties keeping up, constant feelings of not getting it, not achieving the expected standards… I would probably have given up and acted like it wasn’t cool. It wouldn’t mean that I was a loser or idiot.
School is not for everyone.
Also, as an aside, much of what is taught in schools now will probably be completely irrelevant in 20 years time.

Skissors · 04/07/2025 11:22

Will depend on the school. One of mine put lots of work in, and may have had teasing but didn't mention it.
My dc went to a comprehensive and I don't think the culture was anywhere near as bad as in my day.
Even when I was at school I think the kids realised that coming out with crappy grades was not going to be in their best interests if they could do better.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 04/07/2025 12:12

Definitely depends on the school. Trying to do well in any capacity except at sport made you a target at the school I attended

Hecatoncheires · 04/07/2025 12:16

Yup, another voice adding to the chorus of 'depends on the school'. DD17 goes to a good state school in an affluent town. She is very smart and hard-working and she is admired for it by her friend group. She wouldn't care about being others poking fun at her because of it because she knows what she wants to achieve and goes for it, which to her is the important thing. Though it's still the sporty kids who are the 'popular' ones.

LifeBeginsToday · 04/07/2025 12:42

DD is top set in a local comp and both groups look down on each other. The top set think the bottom set are thick and the bottom set think the top set are nerds.