Advice needed about school refusal

[Nobbynobbsknob]

I'm at a loss what to do for the best about my daughter.
She's due to leave primary very soon and is refusing to go to school.
Recently diagnosed with autism. No friends and very very distressed.

I'd happily keep her off and the school would support that given how close we are to the end of term.
My concern is balancing up the benefit of helping her now vs how it will affect her being able to start fresh in September.

All her anxiety is friends related and feeling lonely. She's already met a couple of potential friends at the new school on transition day.
But if I let her stay off now will it make it harder for her to go in to the new school?

It does feel like a slippery slope. Starting a new school is tough and exhausting for all kids at times, so if the precedent has been set that she doesn't have to go then that feels risky. I'd try to get her friends outside of school she can meet up with. I met my best friends at the local riding stables for instance.

Listen, stay calm find the cause and get professional help if needed.

What has the school done to support her? Have you spoken to the senco?

She's so disillusioned with everything that she won't join any clubs unfortunately. It's been like this for 2 years

It's isolation that is causing it. She's been accepted by Cahms and yesterday a MASH referral was made because she was talking about wanting to self harm to the head teacher. She was very angry and didn't mean it but the head had to take it seriously.

I'm concerned about the slippery slope too but what she's experiencing is just brutal

Have you heard of the Facebook group ‘not fine in school’ it is brilliant and a wealth of information and support .
all the best OP, this sounds stressful and upsetting- I would definitely be tempted to let her stay off - or could she go mornings only ?

I've not no. Is it just on Facebook because I don't have that - willing to sign up though. I'm assuming it's other people in the same /similar situation?
Mornings only could improve things. Or make them worse. Could go either way which is my dilemma.

By the way I really appreciate everyone who has messaged this early in the morning

Would a few extra transition days help her? Many schools do this for the children who may struggle with the change.

Have you spoken to the senco?

It’s quite mate on now, but do the new school have any enhanced transition activities. My DS joined a nurture group for the last 6 weeks of primary and the school is doing a 3 day activity camp over summer for kids who need a bit of extra support. You could ask both schools if they have anything to support.

My DD goes through times of school refusal. What I’ve found is that relieving the immediate stress can help, so I’d keep her off while I worked with the school to address the issues she’s struggling with. My DD knows the deal, ie that she goes back and gives whatever’s put in place a fair crack. It’s not easy because you’re juggling supporting her while also working with school but it means she sees you trying to work with school to support her.

Get In touch with the SENCO at the secondary school - we’ve definitely had Year 6 students in school more than the single taster day if they’ve needed extra support. School refusal is a really complex issue which needs very careful handling. (As I’m sure you know!) The last two weeks of year 6 can be awful for neurodiverse children, no routine, hot weather and sensory overload. Lots of jostling for social position and generally they’ve outgrown the environment so it’s not very pleasant. Year 7 will be exhausting and overwhelming, but the school will be able to help. There will be safe spaces to hang out at lunchtime (our learning support centre is open then, or the library) and it’s possible to escape the hustle and bustle.

I'd 100% keep her off the rest of primary, especially if it's causing such stress and anxiety, but continue bigging up and encouraging the new school, and go to any and all transition days. She may be experiencing masking burn out and need a bit longer to decompress before the new term.

If you can do it, do it! Your daughter will remember your support and belief in her and it will let her confidence and believe in her right to be her own person grow 💛

As a word of warning, as the mum of several austic children. This does not get better. Schools are almost invariably unable to help because if the school setting is overwhelming for an autistic child it's overwhelming. Schools can't change enough in many cases and nor can the autistic children. For many autistic and ND children school will never work for them. Home education and EOTAS is the only way forward. Definitely get in contact with not fine in school. The women who run it are a wealth of knowledge and I have been personally friends with them for well over 13 years. Prepare to have an absolute nightmare of a fight to get needs met, ehcp and any reasonable adjustments. Always remember that your daughter is not the problem. She is never choosing refusal, she can't choose not to be autistic. Good luck!!

My son really struggled in year 6 to the point he ended up out from the February he is on a waiting list for a diagnosis now but it was almost like burnout. When he was in school he really wasnt coping either. There are a few steps I took. Firstly I asked the school to contact the LA and said they could not meet his need, this meant he was discussed at panel for alternative provision. He has been under the alternative provision the last year which is mainly online Tutoring with some in person support. This has been amazing for him. Next I applied for an EHC using a template I found online, this got agreed and issues. Next I advocated that mainstream secondary wasnt suitable, luckily the mainstream secondary backed me up. It now stands he has a place at a SEMH provision from September though it will be a slow transition. School isn't always great for some children and often when they struggle like this its due to trauma, for most ND children especially its very overwhelming. I also have another boy who is diagnosed ASD and does very well at mainstream he is in secondary, but every child is different and you have to find the right fit for your child.

Hi op I was a school refuser. My lovely mum was so good at looking out for me she was always kind and loving but she did make me go to school most of the time. But from my perspective I think I would keep her off. If she’s so distressed then it’s just traumatic for her. Concentrate on a new start in September. I’m sorry it’s very hard x

Parent that has been in this situation with my child. It sounds like autistic burnout, and she is telling you with her behaviour she cannot cope. Remove the harm. Join Facebook to join not fine in school, and local ehcp groups. Allow her to decompress and simultaneously make sure she has an ehcp, with assessments done by SALT and a sensory OT, to ensure she has the provision in place for secondary school.
she may then be able to cope with, or she may not. Schools are really really shit for some kids, and good for others.

I would remove her from primary, and work with the secondary school to try to see what they can do to transition her into there. I feel like forcing her to keep going to primary will only make her increasingly anti school and less likely to be able to have a new start,

Don’t push her - the final two weeks of primary aren’t going to make it anymore likely for high school given the huge holiday in between but it can cause further harm and focus on secondary
definitely join Facebook it was a real help to me
DS was awful years 5 (60%) and 6(38%) attendance and the start was tough but we will end this year around 82% which is a victory

do you like the high school

I would keep her off. It feels wrong, and like you should keep pushing going to school so it doesn't set a precedent, but that's the worst thing you can do. Sending kids in to the place that's causing them distress doesn't build resilience. Knowing that you've got her back and will let her have the space she needs to recover will allow her to build resilience.

Request an EHCNA. IPSEA has a model letter on their website that you can use.

What support has the primary school provided?

Have you spoken to the secondary SENCO? What support will they be putting in place? Can they arrange extra transition visits?

The LA is responsible for ensuring DC unable to attend school full-time still receive a suitable, full-time education. However, realistically, this won’t to be put in place before the end of term. It is something to keep in mind for next academic year in case transition does not go well. IPSEA also has a model letter for this that you can use to request provision.

Thank you everyone for your suggestions and advice. It's very much appreciated. I'm going to talk to the new school this afternoon about how they can support her.
Current school will support whatever I decide. They've done what they can but she's struggling so much now that being in school is counterproductive.
Am leaning into giving her a few days off a week to reduce the pressure and letting her feel safer. I agree with peekaboo about resilience not being built in this way.

Will also look at the EHCNA (no idea what that is but will find out this evening)
Hopefully having a call with an unrelated but extremely experienced SENCO tonight through a friend who can hopefully help me figure it out.

And hopefully by the end of summer she will feel safer and like she can take the next step. If she can make even one friend she'll be able to be ok.

As an autistic woman who works in a senior school, and who has an autistic child who was a school refuser (such a horrible term isn’t it, it’s not a choice!) - I agree 100% with @urghhh47

An EHCNA is an Education, Health and Care Needs Assessment. It is the needs assessment you first request as part of the Education, Health and Care Plan (EHCP) process.

On top of all the usual overwhelm DD experiences, this time of year in schools, especially in Y6, adds a whole lot of different issues. Forcing DD to attend when she isn’t able to is likely to cause further trauma.