What would you do?

yeticooler · 2025-07-04T00:49:38+00:00

I have a genetic condition where I have a heightened chance of cancer compared to another person without my gene issue (the chance of cancer is 90%) The chance of me passing on my gene issue is 50% as it is a dominant gene. Genetics have suggested we have ivf to screen out the mutation. Dh doesn’t want ivf as he thinks it’s ’playing God’ he thinks we should ignore the gene and pretend I don’t have it and just have a baby ‘naturally’ and pay for cancer screening for the child we create if we’re lucky enough to conceive without ivf. i want to get the implant to prevent accidental pregnancy and he’s totally against that but is also against ivf because he really wants children but doesn’t want to get our hopes up if Ivf doesnt work

ByLimeAnt · 04/07/2025 01:57

I'm sorry to hear of that very difficult situation. I honestly think that professional counselling would be helpful as very niche with complex perspectives. Wishing you the best.

TheSandgroper · 04/07/2025 02:35

This is one for specialist genetic counselling. Is there a charity or support group for your specific issue? Otherwise, perhaps your local NHS department may know.

Olivesforteatonighty · 04/07/2025 02:45

I would really struggle with having a partner like you describe. You have so much to deal with and you could really do with a supportive partner, who is on the same page as you. 💐

OneBlossomBee · 04/07/2025 03:08

Your husband sounds selfish, cold and controlling. Do you really want to have a child with him? I also have a genetic condition in my family, my mother had it but didn't knkw before she had childrenvand there wasn't testing then. It was only discovered, but I suspect hidden in previous generations, when my mother's sister developed it in the 90s. I haven't been tested, went through counsellung, but felt unsure. To pass on a genetic illness is cruel and selfish. You are the one going through so much, at a big risk snd know you'd not want any childto feel the way you do and at risk. I could never do that to a child either, but never wanted to go through ivf or give birth. Your husband is an idiot and who is he to tell you what birth control you can go on! His whole attitude is horrific and I would be divorcing him not TTC. Don't put a future babyvat risk of a genetic illness and I say that as someone who genuinely understands having a genetic illness in the familybwhich has no chance of a cure unlike cancer.

ZenNudist · 04/07/2025 03:16

I'd have the ivf I'm sure your H will get on board but if not find a new husband!

OneBlossomBee · 04/07/2025 03:18

ZenNudist · 04/07/2025 03:16

I'd have the ivf I'm sure your H will get on board but if not find a new husband!

How can she have ivf if her husband refuses todo it? His sperm is needed for the ivf, but he is dead set against it from what the OP wrote. I think a new husband is the answer.

uncomfortablydumb60 · 04/07/2025 04:59

I am sorry my friend has NF1 and undertook genetic testing She did conceive but it wasn’t to be
if it was me I would go ahead with the testing
you can then weigh up your options depending on the results
Im sorry, it is really tough

wandawaves · 04/07/2025 05:03

VHL?

Whatever it is, i think ivf is the best idea. Why would your husband want to risk your child going through cancer and cancer treatments? Of there's a way to avoid that, of course you should take it.

chatgptsbestmate · 04/07/2025 05:54

OneBlossomBee · 04/07/2025 03:08

Your husband sounds selfish, cold and controlling. Do you really want to have a child with him? I also have a genetic condition in my family, my mother had it but didn't knkw before she had childrenvand there wasn't testing then. It was only discovered, but I suspect hidden in previous generations, when my mother's sister developed it in the 90s. I haven't been tested, went through counsellung, but felt unsure. To pass on a genetic illness is cruel and selfish. You are the one going through so much, at a big risk snd know you'd not want any childto feel the way you do and at risk. I could never do that to a child either, but never wanted to go through ivf or give birth. Your husband is an idiot and who is he to tell you what birth control you can go on! His whole attitude is horrific and I would be divorcing him not TTC. Don't put a future babyvat risk of a genetic illness and I say that as someone who genuinely understands having a genetic illness in the familybwhich has no chance of a cure unlike cancer.

I know very little about this subject but this ^ post seems incredibly sensible to me

LilacWineIsSweetAndHeady · 04/07/2025 06:25

You sound very sensible OP, your husband sounds like a bit of a knob.
First things first, go and get whatever method of contraception you are comfortable with sorted. He doesn't need to know.
Secondly, is your husband a bit tight with money? Is he thinking it would be a waste to spend money on ivf when he could just pump a 'free' baby into you?
Personally I would absolutely not be going ahead without screening but you need to decide if this is your line in the sand.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 04/07/2025 06:38

I wouldn't want to pass on those odds to a child so, whilst there's an impasse about IVF, I would ignore DH and get the implant to ensure no pregnancy in the meantime.

I would be seriously concerned about DH's muddled thinking, and whether he really understood my genetic condition. I would be worried about about his ability to support me if I got cancer. I would want him (us) to go for counselling.