My life past os a fuck up to

[Flashofpast]

I have name changed for this. I think i just wabt to keep this separate and throw it away when im done with this thread.

Anyway I recently asked for my medical notes. I have been looking through them. There's stuff I had blocked out /forgotten . Looking back some of it feels sad.

2002 chronic depression. 1993 attempted suicide, 1993 depression.1995, affective personality disorder. 1995 anxiety states, 2007 depressive mode .

2005 stress related problems. Father has mesothelioma. I miss him with all my heart 😭

Moved county Durham. Her dad died worried about new GP and communicating. Depressed and isolated.

2001 socially isolated. Long term. Thinks she has no people skills . Feels anxious when out of the house. And new people . Anxiety state obsessive thoughts. Small overdose.. 1994 seen by mental health team at guys .

Found a letter from gp sent to antenatal clinic. Gp says although 19 . She feels I would benefit from teenage clinic due to long history of emotional problems associated with some learning difficulties. Says I go to xxx centre relating to insomnia and tendency to self harm. It appears that xxxxhad a very difficult and abusive childhood 😭. At present she is staying in a hostel in xxxx

Should I just burn all this. I had blocked all this shit out . And im sitting her fucking crying over stuff from 20+ plus years ago ffs but it feels new.

Yes, just throw it away now.
I don't want you to be sad.
No more hurting yourself.
You are actually very brave to share this on here.
Keep going forward.
We all have regrets.

No, don't throw it out. Put it away. Don't keep reading it tonight and torturing yourself. Find a good therapist. Blocking isn't the best idea. Talking, having someone listen, finding support, being kind to yourself. These are the answers.

I dont have money for therapy etc. I think i need to bin it. I think its to negative to have in my house. It will cast a shadow.

I think i will. I was ok till I started reading it

Hope you feel a bit better tomorrow

Get to the DR and ask for counselling on the NHS..there will be a waiting list but it's better than nothing

Instead of seeing your past self as a fuck up (which you are categorically not), look at how far you’ve come and what you’ve been through to get to where you are today and the strength it must have taken during times when you wanted to give up x

Its not something I want to do. It will pass

In some ways I have come far in my life coped with loads of shit got through it etc I manage things differently compared to what I would have back then.

The shit I went through as a child and no one knew 😭

I’m so so sorry you have had to deal with all of that. I hope your situation is much better now. You can throw the records away if you want. If one day you decided you did want to look at them then you could always get them again.

It feels new because you haven't dealt with it. Blocking things like that can only benefit you in the short term. But there comes a point when you will have to deal with it head on, otherwise triggers will open up those old wounds.
You want to be at a point where you can be reminded of an incidence and not let it control your feelings.
Whatever it is you went through in your youth, you need to understand why you went through it. If it was abuse and neglect for example, you, need to understand these things were occurring due to reasons beyond your control. The person or people abusing you were obviously going through some kind of trauma of their own, which was reflected onto you. (I'm not saying this is what happened, this is all just an example).
Once you realise you did nothing to deserve that treatment, you will feel your self worth rise. You will begin to seek pleasures and things that fulfil you and your life. With this you will improve the quality of your life by setting new personal goals and tick them off one by one as you achieve them. This will create new building blocks to a higher self worth and more fulfilling rich life.
If, along your journey of creating this new wholesome life, you are reminded of things from your past, you will not be crippled with emotions, like you are now. Instead, you will be able to remind yourself that it wasn't your fault you went through those experiences and it was somebody else's trauma being reflected onto you. You will instantly be able to see how much you have grown. You can then continue with your day, knowing you are stronger than ever, because of how far you've come from the person who they tried to break down.

You obviously have come far. And your medical notes, while upsetting, are evidence that you have, and that some people knew, if not exactly what happened in your childhood, then some of its lasting effects.

I think reading medical notes can be difficult because they’re not intended to be read by their subject, and they can feel reductive, as though we’re just a set of symptoms.

Regarding the medical notes. You must say to yourself, they're not "my medical notes", they don't define you - they're just notes, words written by medical professionals at the time, documenting their observations.
They don't explain what you were feeling, or what you went through, only how you presented to them at the time. Ie the emotional state you were in due to actions of abuse you had endured.
Because we are human, we are always full of emotions - we're not rocks. You can be over something that occurred to you in your childhood, and lead a very happy and fulfilling life now, but when reading back those doctors notes, it hi lights the stark contrast of what life was like for you back then to what it is now.
It might make you very emotional to begin with, because you may feel grief for the young person you were,having not had the things you should have, things like love, respect and a supportive family. But you must remind yourself, you are giving yourself these things now and are working hard to secure them.
You know what's written on those notes, and they serve no purpose in your current life.
When you are ready to, you can burn them and you can visualise burning the trauma and negativity from your past, too. You're not there anymore, you're here. That person your abusers controlled no longer exists.
It will be cathartic.

I was in counselling for about 6 years back then every week for 6 years.. that seems lie such an odd thing now. No way would that happen now. From the paper work gp tried to get me to see a clinical phycologist I only went twice then stopped going.

I remember seeing the gp alot maybe once a week . There were 2 that I always saw. I remember then always spending tome talking with me and really taking time. The notes/letters written shows they really cared and put themselves out alot i think they truly cared . I just don't think I realised that at the time.

Today I would waiting months . Get maybe 6 session then of you go. The thing for me personally is a struggle after. I can't have a therapy session. Then leave it on the room. I take it with me for days. Back then I would have SH or called the therapist or gp. Tjat wouldn't happen niw thete is no back up . It would just leave me in a dark place and I don't want that.

I know none of the stuff that happend was my fault. But was the way I dealt with it later my fault.

The effect it had on my kids. Is it my fault that dd had bipolar? Adult ds is ok he's doing well for himself. But dd not so much.

Then my other ds he's 18 . None of this stuff was going on by the time he was born. But he SH, he tried to kill himself at 18 the same age I did. Hes even in the same hostel I was as a teenager ffs. As I say he wasn't born when my stuff was going on . But its almost like a reflection woth some if the stuff.

Are my kids life thry way they are because pf me.

Mental disorders like bipolar and depression can be carried through genes, so what that means is, whilst they won't be born with these disorders, they will have a higher susceptibility to them.
I'm not sure about bipolar as I have never researched that, but I have looked into the causes of depression, and have discovered that it is caused by the continued occurrence of a whole host of negative incidences over a prolonged period of time.

I'm not the OP but I want to thank you all for your thoughtful posts. You've been helpful to me. x

I hope you are ok x

The notes are just one lines really dont say much. But there are also letter type ones that show understanding and kindness.

Im quite sure I told professionals what happened. But theu way I was acting probably sent them odd messages.

I remember things being bad at school and me acting very oddly. I told someone abd nothing came of it.

I know there was a confession to my mum. In writing. She ripped the letter up said its not true and binned it.

The confusion I gave to people is i was still getting along with this person is a positive way.

I dont think the issues I had/have all lie with that situation though other stuff to them it builds up into bigger stuff that's to much etc etc

Bin it. You have survived 100% of your worst days. You're okay.
Be proud of yourself.
Hugs 💐

I will but its just I wounder is that how my life is meant to be. Because as much as there's been good parts to life there's been more bad than good. Due to situations etc. Its like is this the life that's maped out for me will i ever be happy without something hanging over me. Is it gonna be like this till the day I die.

I think the socially isolated thing kind of still stands. I didn't really realise because im automatic with it.

I dont have any friends because I have made it like that . I have known a mum or 2 over the years of the school run. But as soon as they invite me to their birthday or simlar I have an excuse not to go. If I do talk to someone briefly at the school on a 121 I manage but if a 3rd person comes along I just stop talking. I have been invited to meals i wont go . My neice invited me to her baby shower. I said I can't go. I shop on line so I dont have to talk to anyone. When I used to work I felt charmed up and panicking inside every single day it was awful.

If I didn't have children I probably wouldn't leave the house. It feels so normal though.