I'm sitting here half crying and half angry that I've got myself to this place. I'm 44 and feel that my life is over- I started feeling this way about 4-5 years back but kept telling myself that I'm just having a bad day-but lately I feel 'flat'-like all joy has been sucked out.
we have been married for 20 odd years but from the word go it has been a rough ride emotionally. Before marriage he used to make a big deal about how everyone should be ambitious and driven to get somewhere in life etc- I always made it clear to him that I am all those things however I don't my life and my worth to be measured based on where I work, or my job title. Life for me is more than that. His parents used to favour his brother and he struggles with confidence issues-which he never accepts. according to him he never makes a mistake - but I think even today in his 50s he is still trying to 'prove' himself to his parents.
All through our 20s we were like horses with blinkers- running the race to climb the corporate ladder and buy a property- ensure there is savings etc. We are not from the UK so no family or support of any nature. I had my daughter when I was 35 after two abortions- both times I felt that we are not ready and not enough savings in the bank etc- when planning the pregnancy for my daughter I ended up having a massive panic attack- after various visits to therapists I gathered that although I hated his view of the world I have succumbed to tat way of thinking while running like a hamster in a wheel. I still suffer with anxiety but learning to manage it better.
I hate everything he stands for- he acts as if the world is out to get him, mistrust of everyone unless they have a fancy job title, no joy in anything, all conversations about targets and doing this or the other.
I have openly told him multiple times I don't enjoy this marriage, feel like walking out etc- he just ignores it and pretends that I never said it. Tomorrow is a new day for him- he copes by sticking his head in the sand. I feel so stuck and feel that my life is over.