Do I give friend the head's up about something that will upset her

[Thedoorisalwaysopen]

Long story short. I had a dear friend who I met through a community that we are both part of. We gave each other invaluable support through a very difficult times in both of our lives, and I would not have been without her. However, last winter, she did something terrible to me, and hurt me very very deeply. It felt like a bereavement. We are 7 months on now and just gradually starting to reconnect. I still care about her very much, feel sorry for her that she must have been in an awful place to treat me like that. We are tentatively offering each other small olive branches, but I don't know what's in her head.

Anyway. Yesterday evening I had a meeting in the place where our community gather. She is usually there but this time was not. As I was walking to catch the bus home, a man approaches me and introduces himself, saying he wishes to speak to my friend. I tell him she is not there. He says that he is a friend of my friend's sister, and he needs their mother's phone number. The sister has gone wild on drugs, is on a self destruct pathway and this will likely kill her.
My friend and I never really discussed her family, but I knew she had no contact. She won a prize at work last year (think a big one with a big ceremony) and they weren't invited. It was me who helped her do her hair and told her she had her dress on inside out. I don't believe they have had contact in years.
I didn't give the man her info, but it is listed publicly on our community notice board as she is the secretary and it is also on our website. He noted it off that
I know that she will be really thrown by this. Despite what she did to me, she is sensitive.

She hurt me so much. I am still hurting, but I still care deeply for her and I can only imagine how upset she will be. I don't think there is much love lost between her and her sister, but it is a part of her life she has buried.

Tomorrow we have a meeting with our community and I know she will be there. Do I stay and talk to her alone after and gently give her the head's up that this man will contact her? If she hears it from me first, she can at least be prepared mentally, other than perhaps being in the middle of something, and then this huge bombshell hits.

“A complete loon randomly came up to me and said he needed to speak to you about your sister, so might be an idea to contact your sister!”

job done

I would give a heads up in a “I didn’t say anything to him and I don’t need to know anything (unless you want to talk) but someone was here last night ….” Way

If it was yesterday he may have already contacted her.

Speaking as someone who also has minimal contact with family for very good reasons, I wouldn’t say anything to her. I think there’s a touch of a need to rescue going on for you, and there’s an awful lot of conjecture about how you think this could affect her. Just be present for her if you want to be - but to be honest, it sounds like you’re still in a period of needing to lick your wounds before you’re in a space to build up a trusting friendship again.

Why on earth are you back in touch with her if she did something so terrible and hurt you so badly. I'd bin her off for good OP. People like that don't change.

And just ignore what the bloke told you, none of your business. And you don't owe her anything.

Thank god you didn't give some man who could be anyone her info. I'd give her the heads up that a man has been fishing for info on her, in case he's a stalker or violent ex, not because I thought his story was true.

I would give her a heads up that the man was looking for her and that he’s found her contact details from the website. I wouldn’t go any further or tell her what he said about the sister because I’d want to stay well out of any family drama, but would still feel morally obliged to give her a heads up in case he’s a stalker or violent ex or something horrible. But also do you really want to rekindle the friendship if she did something that awful?

Tell her someone was looking for her. But I think what screams out from your post is your history with this 'friend' who did something terrible. Has she actually apologised for this? I'd back off and think about whether I actually wanted olive branches from this person. It all sounds a bit melodramatic.

Tbh the information on your relationship with her is completely irrelevant to the actual point of your story.
If someone asked me about contacting someone I know then I’d just tell the person especially if it could be bad news

Tell her a bloke was after her details but you didn’t give them. Do t go into detail. Leave it at that.

If she had hurt me that bad, bridges will not be rebuilt

i agree with the first post. Tell her “a guy was looking for you, something about your sister. Just mentioning in case you want to call her and because the guy may come back so you’ll have the heads up prior”.

So why say to you if he got her number off the site - or did you mention the site to him ?

either way. Text her and say

a man last night asked me for your number. He said he was a friend of your sisters and she is on drugs. Giving you the heads up incase he contacts you

I would just say ‘There was a man asking after you the other night’. And leave it at that.

Thank you everyone.
Sorry I didn't clarify - I knew it wasn't her ex. I know her ex and this guy was significantly older than us. He gave me his name and who he was - he would have been easy to look up.
I did tell her. I stayed after the meeting and went and sat in the eat next to her and told her that a man called XXX had asked where he could find her and before I could stop him he gave me some sensitive information about (sister's full name). She asked me what the sensitive information was and I told her then about the drugs.
She thanked me for telling her. Looked a bit taken aback. she then said 'you did the right thing'.
She can now deal with it if and when he calls her.