Hi,
just looking for some advice/words. I’ve been having a bit of a breakdown recently past week or so, I have had a lot of trauma and childhood abuse as well as bad experiences in life such as rape etc. I was callously notified by police via post that the man who raped me was not being charged or taken to court. I was devastated but started resigning to the idea of no justice and trying to live normally as I usually do. Now, I’ve been having a breakdown for a week with no clear reason and I wonder if it was a trigger.
I am wanting to isolate, very clear depressive signs such as oversleeping and withdrawal, feeling life is evil and the hardest bit is feeling the world isnt safe at all and everyone’s against me. I even feel all alone even surrounded by family and friends. Everything is triggering me even a tone of voice & im not usually like this. I have BPD but it’s a hell of a lot better than what it used to be. I am only speaking to my best friend and boyfriend right now and not anyone else only nearest and dearest and of course my family.
I am finding it very hard but listing things i have control of such as attending appointments and im very organised with a calendar im doing all my daily tasks but mentally im struggling. I keep thinking back to child abuse memories from a parent and how I really am damaged goods and no one truly cares about me. I feel people dont wanna know or care about me even when thats proved otherwise. Mental health services are not an option as I remember turning to them saying I wanted to end my life as I was raped and they said “well why are you depressed over that then?” In a very patronising tone and they hung the phone up on me. Now I am very reluctant to seek help at the best of times
does anyone have any advice? I feel like I’m forced to watch everyone getting what I want with ease and nothing is going my way :(