I'm hoping others have been through this and are able to advise on how to deal with this - I want to be sensitive and supportive and handle it well. Sorry it's long, didn't want to drip feed.
DM is 81, physically relatively fit, plays golf twice a week, gets out and about and has a good social life. DF is 86, much physically frailer but still totally on the ball and takes himself off to see friends and do things with glee. I live 200 miles away, my brother in mainland Europe. We both see and talk to them regularly.
For the past year I have been concerned about DM, and my recent visit has brought matters to a head. She is, although a difficult character and the reason I have had a lot of therapy, to all intents and purposes outgoing and lovely. Various signs have been dismissed by other family members such as endlessly repeating the same stories, getting her words muddled up, insisting that I'm making words up - it's like she doesn't recognise them, last week she insisted I passed her the sieve when we were at the dinner table, she meant the salt and told me off for using the wrong word - wearing clothing combinations she would not have been seen in a couple of years ago, making irrational decisions about stuff to give away, insisting she can smell something when it isn't there (DF had the gas board out last week and she didn't believe that there wasn't a gas leak so was spraying perfume around). She get dates muddled up, insists that emails have been sent when they haven't, and is a world class holder of grudges. She is increasingly making horrible comments that she clearly thinks no one else can hear, whether it's about immigration or weight or crying children - she has completely lost her social graces. She is also, having been a very good cook all her life, serving up increasingly strange food.
Following my visit I spoke to my brother about my concerns because I now feel things have gone too far and she needs to be checked. My fear isn't so much dementia as something like stroke or a growth. I think she is also aware something is wrong and part of the aggression is that she is scared, which is completely understandable. He agrees with me and is backing me 100% that she be assessed. A couple of family friends who are aware also agree.
I spoke to my father yesterday. He respected the conversation, appreciated me addressing the elephant in the room, and asked for 48 hours to think about how to handle it. He recognised 85% of the behaviours and incidents I raised and is going to call me tomorrow whilst she is at golf to discuss his thoughts.
How do we address it with her? I know exactly what will happen. It'll be 'my children think I'm going mad' and I don 't want a huge family fall out. If there is something ahead to be faced surely we are better to know and face it, or to have it treated before it becomes untreatable. If there is nothing, we accept her as she is (whilst constantly pushing back on the inappropriate comments, as we all do).
I don't even know what I'll be asking the GP to do. It's not like I can march in there and demand a neurologist appointment or a brainscan - or is that what I'm asking for?
Really appreciate it if you've got this far.