Missing deceased parents and feeling jealous of those nursing elderly parents

[LockHatter]

My father died when I was 2, I have no memories of him.
My step father died when I was 9 and I was devastated but only slightly remember him.
My mother died when I was 23, she and I were incredibly close due to the loss of my dads.

I am 49 now, I have never had parents or grandparents around in my adult life.

Recentlty my friends have started to lose their parents to old age and somehow it’s triggered me to feel the loss of my parents. I barely have memories of my step dad and none of my dad so I am not sure what I miss there. With my mum I do miss the person she was and the support she gave, but it was so long ago. Another world before kids and career. I was so different.

I almost feel jealous of my friends for getting to nurse elderly parents even though I can see it is hard. I feel it’s a privilege and feel sort of cross when they complain. When they get sad about losing their parents part of me wants to say “you got 5 decades with them, just be grateful” but I know that is heartless and obviously I don’t say it.

i just wondered whether anyone can relate.

I can understand you missing that sense of having parents around. I am so sorry for your losses.So young

Having seen my mother elderly and infirm and the loss of dignity that came with it... I'm not sure I wish that on anyone.

I’m very sorry for your losses, that’s so hard.

When you become a stranger to an elderly parent every time you see them it is very, very hard, too. As is nursing them.

My parents left years ago & years ago: their bodies aren’t dead yet. £17k a month and hard, hard work for the family they don’t know.

🌷 OP. Sorry for your loss - but be careful what you wish for.

This is no criticism you feel how you feel and you were sadly very young but dealing with my mother’s dementia for the last 23 years makes me bizarrely grateful my father passed quickly from a heart attack when I was 18.

I didn’t always feel that way but certainly more recently.

I get it, not with my parents but with my husband. I realise it is completely unreasonable to feel that way but the truth is, I do and from talking to other people who have suffered significant losses we are not alone in feeling that way.

Sorry for your loss.
Recently lost my dad to an awful cruel suffering illness (MND). Hardest thing ever nursing him knowing he was dying and scared.
I’m glad he is not suffering but in
My 43 years I’ve never been without him and it is incredibly difficult to adapt to and I feel so lost and lonely without him. I’ve never felt this alone.

I’m sorry you lost your parents so young. I can't imagine feeling this alone all the years you have.

I can relate a bit. My dad died when he was very young (as was I). Over the years when friends dad’s have died they have got in touch with me as if their loss equated to mine and I could offer some solace. Also some husband’s younger age deaths too. I feel resentful of all this. They really have no idea. It makes me feel unheard and unseen as a very young child experiencing traumatic and early bereavement. It sounds much worse for you but I do understand your feelings, which aren’t unreasonable.

That is an awful lot of loss for a child and young adult OP, I’m really sorry you had to go through that. I do understand why you feel the way you do. Losing an elderly parent isn’t as tragic as your losses, but it’s a loss of a beloved parent nonetheless, so please find it in your heart to understand their grief too. Nursing frail parents, especially those with dementia isn’t what I would consider a privilege,. you lose tbe parent tbey were over and over again as tbey go through tbe various stages. Seeing a beloved parent experience a long and painful death from cancer also isn’t something I’d consider a privilege. Seeing them lose every last bit of dignity is heartbreaking.
But I am very grateful that I had my parents as long as I did, while tbey were well, so you do have my sympathy x

I understand your thinking, op, but having had my parents both die at a young age, I now feel a weird sense of relief as I watch my friends dealing with increasingly infirm elderly parents and know I won't have to do any of that. They died so long ago I'm over it for the most part, although I do wish they had had the joy of being grandparents and that my children hadn't missed out too.

Thanks all. I appreciate the kind words.

i know you are all right. Of course you are. Nursing an elderly parent with dementia must be hard. I know that in my logical brain.

I just feel so sorry that my parents didn’t get to see old age, don’t get to see my life develop, meet my husband, grandparents my kids, have big family christmasses, long chats about a childhood I barely remember because nobody can remember it with me so I don’t know what was real and what I have imagined. I have also spent a lot of my life terrified of death as I felt it had a habit of coming for those around me in shocking ways. Nobody has acknowledged how hard that has been on me for years, people express sympathy for the first few months then assume you are OK even though you are forever missing a fundamental plank of your life that most others get to rely on for many decades.