Casual racism?

[TittieVation]

Just to vent really.

A good friend has recently shown herself as being a racist. Not a bit, as you either are or you aren't.

Casually dropping into random conversations 'I should have told him to go back to his own country!' 'Makes sense, bloody foreign, can't read signs in English!'
When she did this, over text, twice in one week, but never before, I just changed the subject, but I know I should have called her out. I think I was more astounded than anything.

I went to a gathering at hers recently and her uncle, kind of cornered me and started talking about something that had absolutely nothing to do with race, however he turned it into something to do with race, and not being able to read instructions in English, quite defamatory actually. I just stared at him incredulous, as I couldn't find any words. He walked off. I didn't stay long after that.

I am the kind of person that stands up for what's right but on both occasions, this happened, I was left gobsmacked. I absolutely will be on guard next time and will call it out, but what is something I could say that will put her or the creepy uncle on the back foot, without falling out with her completely, as otherwise she is a good friend. Hopefully, I'll never see him again!

Please be kind.

Why do we need to ‘be kind’?

How come, if she’s a good friend, this has only just become apparent to you?

Drop her.

It seems to be becoming socially acceptable to be racist. It’s horrendous.

I’m embarrassed for her .

You could say, 'that's racist'.

Would they care that you thought that of them, though?

You owe it to yourself to stand up and say something, even if it risks the friendship. I find, with sexism at least, that what helps is saying "sorry, i don't understand the joke/what you mean. Can you explain it?" and keep on saying that until you are both clear that they are being racist.

And then you say "oh, racist then." and you walk away.

Be kind in your responses. Some mumsnetters struggle.

I have no idea. We have been friends for about 7 years, and this has just shown it's head. Why, I honestly don't know.

I don't want to 'drop her' for what could be one misdemeanor for which I didn't call her out on but will if it happens again. I just need advice on what to say to stop her in her tracks.

I wouldn’t be friends with a racist. Being friends with someone who has a differing opinion is fine (I am even married to someone with totally different political views!), but racism isn’t an opinion, it’s hatred.

It’s not just ‘one misdemeanour’ though, is it? She’s telling you what she thinks. i.e. that she’s racist.

@TheAutumnCrow she absolutely would care. I am her only friend, and yes, I am beginning to wonder if this is the reason. However, in 7 years of friendship, this has never happened.

I'm not really buying that someone who says "bloody foreigner" and "go back to your own country" hasn't given the game away before in seven years.

So good luck with your froth thread.

I can't really advise, OP. Personally, I would not be able to stay friends with someone who I considered to be racist.

I can only suggest that you talk to her and tell her how uncomfortable her comments make you feel. With any luck, she will be more careful about what she says in front of you in future and you won't have to confront the situation again. But she will still have the same racist views, even if she doesn't express them openly to you. Would you be OK with that?

@Brefugee thank you. I think I'll just say that. 'What do you mean by that?' maybe. I have called people out before, but never a close friend.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves thank you for a lovely, measured response.

To be honest, I am upset at myself for not calling her or creepy uncle out at the time, I think I was caught on the back foot as it's never raised its head before.

I will definitely keep an eye on the situation and let her know my feelings next time.

Exactly this. On some things, there can be no middle ground.

@ByGreyRobin There's always one! Are you ok?

@hattie43 me too tbh.

@ByGreyRobin isn’t the only one

Surely you’d ask what they meant by “go back to their own country” and why she assumed they couldn’t read English. I get that you were caught out but racism rarely arrives with a preparatory fanfare, just challenge the assumptions made.

That's very upsetting. I think you need to say what you feel but I don't think saying 'you're a racist' helps as it just feels like name calling. I think explan to her why you don't like the way she is talking and why you perceive it to be racist. Maybe she doesn't care, maybe she didn't realise although I doubt it. It's understandable to be frustrated dealing with people who don't speak your language, its a valid complaint but its another thing to dislike 'foreigners' or say cruel things.

If it was me I'd just bear it in mind and distance myself a bit, personally i don't like confrontation and don't like to be preachy but I would be upset. In fact something similar did happen to me once and I completely changed my view of that person.

I'm kind of wondering how you could be friends with someone for 7 years and not have even a little hint in all the words you must have exchanged, that she has tendencies towards racism.

I guess it depends how close a friend you actually are?

Can you not just have a quiet word with her and ask her has anything changed to make her feel this way; how about this uncle, is he someone new in her life?

If you value her friendship why not dig a little bit and find out what is the root of this.

Then you can make up your mind whether or not to associate with, and enjoy , while condoning, her blatant racist outbursts in conversation.

I found it very hard, because they were good friends, but I simply said, 'no, I don't want to hear that. I find that very racist, and I don't want that talk around me or my family'.

To their credit, they pulled their horns in.

In what sense is there "always one"? Always one what?

That's what I was wondering @ByGreyRobin .
"Always one" what??

Just tell her it's racist and bang out of order to say such things. You can't stop her thinking them though so if I were you I'd stop the friendship.

you never know, it might all be a massive misunderstanding (unlikely).

good luck