Is working mums’ guilt completely overblown these days?

[CarolynB70]

I’m 50 and have worked most of my life, but I keep hearing how working mums are supposed to feel guilty all the time for not being “full-time carers.”
Honestly, I think the guilt trip has been dialled up way too much by other mums and society in general.
Sure, it’s hard juggling work and family but why should working mums have to apologise for wanting a life outside the home?
Are we really meant to feel bad for providing for our families and having ambitions? Or is this just pressure from the old-fashioned crowd who still think mums should only be at home?
Would love to know if anyone else feels like the guilt talk has gone a bit mad lately.

You are absolutely correct. The guilt is ridiculous and one only has to acknowledge that no father is ever made to feel this way by other men or society for choosing to work outside of the home as your foundational fact that mothers who work should never feel guilty they must or choose to do so.

I think it's really important for a woman to have a job, part time or full time, it's somewhere she can be more than a wife and mum, doing something of interest to them (hopefully!) earning your own money, getting your own pension and independence - it's hard work but it's worth the effort. I am lucky as my DH is a really hands on dad, his mum worked as did mine, and I never considered not working. I had time off for maternity leave but looked forward to going back to work and have worked both part time and full time since. I would be a bit lost if I didn't work and didn't have a family to be honest. However, some people can be very opinionated and negative (about most things to be honest) and I think it's a very old fashioned view

I absolutely do not think anyone should apologise to anyone.
What concerns me is that it's become a sort of thoughtless path that one, when one can chooses to have a baby and the obvious route is a nursery and then school clubs, after and before.

In the posts I see on here the poster seems to have rarely done research on bonding and child development, early years and so on.
If someone has done lots of research before choosing to have a child and looked at the issue from many perspectives and then chooses to put the child into a nursery at least some thought has gone into it.
We had a post recently about a 3 month old going to nursery because dad didn't want a,?nanny in the house.
I was aghast and at the utter selfishness. How could that man square such a selfish stance when that child is older and asking questions?

How will that child feel?

I just hope people think before they choose to have a child and what the truly best childcare options will be firstly for the actual child

I continued my career when my children were younger and suffered a huge amount of mum guilt. Long hours and accompanied with lots of messaging from close family, friends and the wider community that I was doing the wrong thing. I never felt like I or my children were missing out but I did spend a fortune on childcare. I was made to feel (even by my own mother) that I should have cut back on work or chosen a different career path.

Now children are older teens and I am in a senior position that comes with a lot of autonomy, flexibility and I’m well paid. I like the fact that my children see me working and what that brings me, both personally and financially. They’re interested in my job and they like that I do it. I am at home more and I feel they need me more now than when they were younger.

i wish I could go back and tell my younger self to dispense with the guilt, ignore what other people think you should do and enjoy it rather than worry that it was the wrong thing to do. I can see now that it was absolutely the best way and I should’ve trusted my instincts.

As a single mum, I don't feel the slightest guilt. Ds knows I work hard so that we can live in a decent home and he can have access to all the activities his class mates enjoy.

He's secure, happy & doing well. Why would I care what anyone else thinks? Their opinions couldn't be less relevant.

My children both went to nursery at a year old although we were fortunate to have grandmas who wanted to do a day's care as well so they weren't full-time. I worked full time as I was the higher earner and had seen my mum get financially fucked over when my dad walked out. My children both have secure attachment to me and their dad and we spend a lot of time together as a whole family plus one on one time with each child and parent. They both went to after school club a couple of days a week which was pretty much the same stuff they would have done at home too. Have a snack, watch a film or do some crafting. They're both confident in mixing with kids outside of their class as a result and have friends from reception upto Year 6.

The only time I've had mum guilt is over an upcoming leavers assembly when I'm in an all day training course. Grandma and Dad will be there and it's less guilt and more feeling I'm missing out. I've run myself ragged over the years working full time and being mum, I had no need to feel guilty as I was making sure we had a roof over our heads. It helped a lot over the last 18 months when my husband/the kids' dad was a house spouse as I was doing less of the life admin.

I went back early from maternity leave to a FT job without feeling a moment's guilt. Guilt is a choice. Gendered guilt is a gendered choice. Don't make it. It certainly doesn't benefit women.

From what I see, the guilt level depends on how the kids are doing. If they are flourishing, no guilt required. If they are floundering generally Mum is looked at with a pointy finger.

I think a lot of the guilt comes from the fact that wider family units are often smaller these days, be it for geographical, age related or other reasons. So women (rightly or wrongly) often become the absolute centre of the now very small family unit and their lack of presence if they return to work is felt a lot more, both by themselves and their kids.

I truly don’t think a woman should feel any guilt whatsoever for working, but I do think the guilt is a lot more amplified than it was in the past because of this reason.

Completely agree with this. With my eldest I worked full time, she was happy and settled no issues. My youngest has additional needs, he really struggled so I have gone part time. I feel guilty because he would probably be happy if I was there more but financially it’s not an option. I agree we shouldn’t feel guilty as we are all just trying our best, but with mixed messages from all over society , it’s sometimes hard to ignore. It drives me bonkers how little expectations are off men!

I don’t feel guilty at all.

I work full time, use full time childcare, and work often leaks into my home life.

I have really hardened myself to the comments I receive, I don’t take heed of any of them, and won’t allow myself to fall into the trap of feeling guilty for… doing what every man in Britain does without any comment.

It is not easy achieving all of these things and keeping all of these plates spinning, and I am not interested in feeling guilty about working hard to provide for my family.

Something useful to remind yourself of, is that all that criticism is other people justifying their own choices.

Men do not feel guilty about this. No one asks them if they do. Do not let yourself fall victim to it because you are female.

I am still often asked if I’ll go back to work after maternity leave / if I work (toddler and baby) - despite being in a senior job and the ‘breadwinner’. No one asks my DH this. I just laugh about it, shows we haven’t come quite as far as we think.

DH and I both condensed out hours when my maternity leave ended, so we both have DD one day a week.
I cannot express the rage I feel hearing from so many people about how amazing it is he has made this sacrifice and how amazing it is he takes her to a bloody toddler group on her day.
But me condensing my hours? Expected, shame you can't do less, seen as the bare minimum.

Doing the bare minimum as a father is hailed amazing. Completely unequal and infuriating.

Fwiw, I don't feel guilty. I'm doing my very best for DD and for my career that I've worked hard for. But I'm constantly told by others that I should.

The 'function' of guilt is to make you behave in ways that appease others so that you aren't exiled from the social/familial group. It's a 'conform and fit in' emotion. So it suits the patriarchy perfectly if women feel guilty about working and therefore overcompensate by doing everything at home and trying to be superhuman.

I don't really recognise this. I'm in my 60's, DC are grown-up. Most of the women I knew when they were young worked full or part-time when the DC were little, increasing their hours as they got older.
Lots of us found it hard, but worked because we had to, so I don't ever remember guilt being a thing. Personally, I would have liked not to have had to work as much as I did, and also to have had some child-free time ( this very rarely happened, due to DH working shifts), as well as less pressured time with the DC. It was hard having a professional job and doing most of the chores and trying to find time to chill with the DC, but I never felt guilty, and I don't recall any of my friends saying they did, either... exhausted maybe but not guilty.

I feel no guilt returning to work after having DS. I had a business and career that allowed me to be a high earner and be part time giving a healthy balance. There were times when it was hard but being self employed meant I could choose to prioritise DS over work.

Not everyone has that choice and it must be difficult when you miss out on the little things that mean so much to them at the time. I did sacrifice income at times but I feel that I achieved a healthy balance.

My profession has become dominated by women since I qualified because you can achieve a good home/work balance. Being able to earn an average income while working 1-2 days a week is a massive draw but also the capacity to increase hours during term times and once the children have left home is great.

Excellent post!