Help totally in the shit!

[RosieLeaLovesTea]

Ok be prepared for a long one. My father in law died unexpectedly abroad in the country of his origin. He splits his time 50% on that country and 50% time in UK. My DH (his only son), myself and our 2 DCs travelled out as soon as we could, with only 3 days notice to book a flight.

it appears there is no Will here. We could not find any legal documents and the solicitor does not have knowledge of one.

as my father in law died but was not discovered for approx 1 week- all of his belongings and furniture had to be thrown away and the property completely sanitised.

so we have been funding a hotel. I can only afford to stay for 2 weeks then I just go home and return to work. My DH could stay but is not keen to stay without me and there is no for furniture in the property.

his bank accounts have been frozen. We will need to cover the funeral costs which are £23,000 plus £5000 for cleaning his property and disposing of all his belongings. Plus we have spent £3,000 on flights and £2500 on the hotel plus spending money. Also over £700 on a meal for family friends after the funeral ceremony.

I think the family wants my DH to stay for several months. To sort out finances and legal matters. Death cannot be formally registered until 3-6 months due to waiting for coroners report. But banks etc all want a copy of death certificate. He has a good ambit of money in his bank account but we cannot access ls it.

It’s all such a mess.

there is a property in UK and possibly some money in his accounts but without a death certificate we are not going to be able to start any process.

I think my DH is hoping that he will find a will in his UK but I am really doubtful as his affairs just seem to be all over the place. We live a long way from his in UK also so will need to block out time to travel up and sort out his belongings and documents.

plus will need to travel back in 3 months for another memorial service to take place as part of their religious beliefs.

this has cost us a massive amount of money. Not many people just have £40,000 lying around in a bank account.

I do not see a question anywhere in your thread, so I am not sure if you are seeking specific advice or just venting, but I will say that the classification of your husband as "the only son" implies that he has sisters. Where are they in all of this? At a minimum, they should be contributing to the funeral expenses and anything else so that the financial burden is not solely on your husband.

And yes, nothing can progress without a death certificate, so staying in the foreign country for weeks and months, taking off work, accruing expenses waiting for that does not make sense.

How can a funeral cost £23k???

Is that a typo on the funeral cost, did you mean £2,300? If not, there's a huge chuck of money to be saved, funerals don't cost 23k.

Oh I wish £23,000 was a typo! No funerals don’t cost £23,000 in the UK. But he is not in the UK. There is a lot of religious ceremony attached to it.

Support what you can but don’t accept reponsibikity for anything you are uncomfortable with - from staying over there for months ( would his employer allow that!) or agreeing to pay for anything

23k - sorry don’t have that and can’t take a loan out

with no will you could end up saddled with debt to support someone who clearly didn’t think enough of you to make even the most basic of arrangements

I’m certain that at least in the UK, there’s a procedure to stay any expenses in lieu of the probate process and until it completes. This includes funeral expenses and anything associated with the death. Is there nothing like that in the country you’re in?

How on earth do people find 23 grand unexpectedly? It would have been a no from me.

That’s all madness. There is no reason your DH needs to stay there for several months. There’s no death certificate, what’s he going to do meanwhile. Supposedly all the belongings have been disposed of. Is he even able to work remotely for several months?

Instead, he needs to come back, book a weeks leave of work and go to the house in UK and whip through that. Really, he is best off just spending one day looking for documents and then have a deceased estates service come clean it out.

23K for a funeral is madness. I wouldn’t have paid that for my parents! I just would have said, sorry, don’t have the money.

What happens to a person who dies over there with poor relatives? Surely there is something in place for them. If a church or charity help then once the financials/will is sorted you can return that "gift" for others to benefit from in future.

Good grief for 23k I'd be wanting the pope to conduct the ceremony!!

@RosieLeaLovesTea have you spoken to the British consulate?

No one can magic up that amount of money. So the funeral cannot have to cost that much.

If you have a bunch of people with a bunch of expectations, they will need to pay for that.

No country can be £23,000 on average for a funeral which means you've made funeral choices that are beyond what is 'expected'. You can say no to thing and so can your husband. There's no reason for him to spend months abroad after the funeral for example.

I'm sorry for your loss but the financial decisions could have been pushed back on.