When something really hurts you, what do you do to ease the pain?

[MovingOnMovingOn]

I'm feeling so hurt and broken from a string of bereavements, (including a child), sick and precarious health of dc, family arguments over bereavement/ wills and being excluded from significant family events.

It's literally a physical pain i feel in my chest and a general heaviness. My skin feels thin and every little criticism feels enormous. I am functioning at work and at home but i know I'm not coping well and im having counselling for some of the family dynamic stuff.

Does anyone know of ways to help themselves feel better? And develop back a bit of resilience and just general joy?

I am so sorry you have too much painful stuff to deal with right now. Cliche but: the trick is to keep breathing. Conscious long, slow breaths while watching the birds feed, or listening to piano music. Long walks in nature where not many other people are around. I also think these are the times when binge watching TV is good for you, as long as it isn't too depressing. Ted Lasso binge or Parks & Rec.
Maybe some activities that honour the memory of the child, like planting a tree in a pot or creating a photo album.
Journalling can be helpful. Yoga too, though certain moves can release emotions, so only go to a class where you feel comfortable in the company if you start to cry.

Drink more for a while until feeling back under control (completely unhealthy coping mechanism)

See people a bit less, need more time alone. But don't cut off completely

Watch familiar comedy shows like friends, modern family, benidorm

Count my blessings of what I have that's good

Sorry you've been through so much

I’m so sorry for your losses OP. The physical pain you describe sounds so heavy and suffocating. Your description is so clear. I don’t have much to offer by way of advice but I do hope you find ways to feel better. I believe finding small moments of beauty, peace, and taking the days slowly, as PP has said, are a good start:

Therapy and exercise. Or alcohol and prescription drugs.
Sometimes I make a good choice and sometimes I really don’t , and should know better.

personally i find prayer and physically being in a church really helpful.
there is a lovely prayer to mary undoer of knots which helps me focus my thoughts. in privacy i work to better understand my feelings and where the pain and anger stems from.

Prayer-to-Our-Lady-Undoer-of-Knots.

You me tonight family dynamics counselling... perhaps you need to start with some grief counselling by yourself? Put your own oxygen mask on first as they say...

I’m on a high dose of antidepressants. I don’t feel much of anything. This number out version of me is preferred by my daughters and husband.

I go hiking. Multi-day hikes that require planning, and that keep your brain having to find solutions to basic needs. How to keep dry, how to keep warm, how to ration food, how to find water, how to find your way around if you get lost, how to negotiate difficult terrain. This is what we evolved to deal with. This is what makes me feel alive.

Plants can help, watering and caring for them, can bring moments of emotional quiet, as you fret over a droopy leaf that perks right up with water. They are also really good listeners. I love my plants.

I watch comedy, take time off, get fresh air, go to an art shop from my home time, cry a lot (in private as I have kids), hug the dog. Hope things get easier op

Escape from some of the sources of your pain.

So this includes your kids at times. That would involve going somewhere alone, with no need to over explain to anyone.

Would you enjoy outdoor swimming, in a lake,in the sea totally alone? It is beautiful and freeing.

Your nervous system needs separation from the visceral stress of other people you are absorbing. Not their fault. But you absolutely need to put you first by doing a runner now and again and parking that guilt right over there, away from you.

Think about how that might feel. One afternoon perhaps. If it's something you think you could envisage trying, I'd try it.

I'm so sorry you are going through such bad times. I lost a child 4 years ago and found everything led back to thinking off her. I ran & re-ran the weeks before her death over in my mind and felt there was never any peace. It's exhausting and feels like real physical pain.
I think my main piece of advice to you right now would be, is that these immediate days are about survival. You need to do that and just concentrate on getting through one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time carrying out all the most important day to day functions.
Sometimes when awful things happen there is no resolution or closure and you need to let the time passing do it's work & take the rawness out of the pain.
The problem is that our brains are relentless in trying to process things and find closure so keeps turning back to 'thinking things through.'
I had to knit AND watch TV all the time when at home to stop my brain burning out. It was almost like a meditation...I ended up making a huge, beautiful blanket out of easy squares, I call it my grief blanket.
I would only allow myself half an hour to an hour each day to solely think about her, but the rest of the time, I would actively 'spot' when my brain had slipped back to thinking all the sad, awful thoughts and force myself to think about anything else...gardening, cooking, work..ANYTHING!
I don't know about any of the awful things you are having to cope with, but it certainly sounds like too much. You mention about counselling, but this is as only as good as the therapist. If you have a good one, this will help you build your resilience, but if you are not feeling that it's helping, you may need to find a different one. ( I have had one that was pretty useless and one that really helped.)
Sleep too is a real god send and it helps to recharge your emotional batteries not just the physical, so I would say prioritise this and if you aren't getting decent sleep get some help whether it's from the GP or from over the counter medication. ( I found Nytol 50mg very effective.)
Also, writing down your feelings with paper & pen ( not laptop & keyboard,) helps slow down your racing brain. I kept my pen & pad in a locked box ensuring that no-one else could read it, this gives you the freedom to write how you really feel, no matter how bad!
Finally hang in there, if you've got this far, you are probably stronger than you think and know that this too shall pass 💐

Thank you all so much for being so gentle with me and for the lovely suggestions. Growing and looking after plants and my little garden has been helpful. I could do this. i like the suggestion of outdoor swimming and walking in nature .
Also seeking out a church or a yoga class although I'm afraid of the tsunami of grief that could come.

I really do appreciate how kind you all are. I don't much like this version of me. Friends have been kind (family has been cruel and insensitive) and I just want to get through this really now in one piece

I shrank my world down to what I could cope with. In my case it was me, two year old ds, a temporary flat and work. I didn't want to talk to anyone. Just the simplicity of being with ds, playing and swimming and going to the park, cooking simple easy food and sleeping when he slept. Having toddler conversations. Little pleasures. No lies, no nastiness. Time to think.

I didn't take on any thing complicated. Ignored everyone except him and me. It took me about 6 months to surface.

I hope it gets better soon xx

@Meadowfinch i love that suggestion and that's reminded me that I've done that before. I know these people are terrible for my mental health and feelings of self worth but i can't seem to cut ties.

I do hope everyone on the thread is ok. It sounds as though you have all been through so much.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your child you must be in immense pain.

The only thing you're obliged to do at the moment is breathe in and out. Hugging pets and nature can be lifesaving, also water.

This is a slightly weird suggestion but is there a hotel with a spa near you? Sometimes they have gym memberships and you could spend days drifting between the pool, jacuzzi, sauna, steam room. Maybe send an email and ask if you can have a month to month membership the one I know is £60pm.

I know it's a weird suggestion but endless swimming in nice surroundings for a few months might help you in the immediate term.

I personally would eat, drink, smoke and put on loads of weight which is a rubbish response.

Spend time walking outdoors. Listen to birdsong, the sound of water (river or sea).

Exercise is the only thing that helps. I took up rowing (aged 62😀) because it is a vigorous work out, you have to concentrate completely and you have to turn up because you are part of an 8.

OP, the weight and pain in your chest is grief, it's literally a weight you carry with you after such a significant loss!

Above all, be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to cry, rage, spend time away from people who are not helpful and put your own needs first for a while. Be your own best friend and look after yourself - there are organisations that can support you in grieving (Cruse, The Compassionate Friends)

Try and keep your distance from family who are causing you pain and take a bit of time for yourself. Walking in nature is very healing and try and nourish yourself with simple good food - homemade soups, fresh salads and fruit, good bread and cheese. Grief is very tiring so have a warm bath, get pj's on early and curl up in bed and watch something gentle and uplifting. Take one day at a time and don't put pressure on yourself to 'get better' 💐

It's over 2 years since mum died. I carried that weight you have and hid from the world. Someone further up mentioned survival, and I agree wholeheartedly. Recent therapy is helping start to process things and I've started doing stuff socially again. Just simple stuff, like a pop choir and an art group. The former releases stress enormously, and the latter is calming and peaceful.

You're carrying a huge load. It's okay to feel as you do whilst you grieve. I did need to take antidepressants for a bit to help me deal with my own.

I lost my son 9 months ago and i find exercise uplifts me. It keeps me strong physically which is how I want to be.
I had counselling which in hindsight wasn't great. Id rather find my own solutions.
I prioritise myself and am fortunate to have a good life. Grief is fucking awful and I have lots of intrusive thoughts about the way he died.

Sorry for your loss @Mikart . Thank you for your encouragement.

A few years ago I was also bereaved (not a child but a much-loved person in my life), I was reeling from some terrible family dynamics, I had a lot to deal with in my own family, I was obviously depressed, I was in menopause as well.

I wrote a list in my notes app of all the things that were wrong, and what I could do to address them - action or mindset. I found it yesterday and it is amazing to see how far I have come from that point.

I had a separate list for things that I knew would bring me a glimmer of joy. The simplest things like being outside for a little while. A ten minute walk.

I also had a list for what exacerbated my state of mind. Doomscrolling, bad eating, etc.

I had a list of favourite nutritious meals, for when I couldn't think about food.

A quiet song playlist, which was really calming.

In one of my lists, I wrote this: "remember that in a dark moment, you sat down, thought all this through, and documented it to remind yourself later. You’re not useless xxx"

I feel like this all sounds quite trite but honestly, it helped me to know that I could just check those lists, I didn't have to think about things from scratch. A form of self-care. All the very best to you xx

Not in any way on the same level as you @MovingOnMovingOn but when said goodbye to my dog earlier this year I found great solace in my garden. I have cried buckets whilst weeding & planting out new plants & seedlings. She was my shadow for almost 13 years and it has been very hard not having her there any more.
I hope you find some peace and I hope some posters have given you some ideas on how to help find this 💐

For me - two opposing ways. One is to kind of pick at the scab eg. Read and listen to podcasts around the issues. Hearing the patterns of behaviour from others somehow makes it feel less solitary.

The other is to do stuff which requires focus. I play guitar (and sing) - both badly.

I crochet as it requires concentration. And I plant stuff as it is an act of promise of things to come.