If you're a mum, how have you made friends post-kids (not at the school gate, toddler groups etc)?

[lovesT]

Just interested really! I don't know if it's because we moved and just haven't found our people or it's just really hard when you have young children to make friends?! I don't find toddler groups, school/ nursery is somewhere I find actual potential friends. Where have you made friends as an adult outside of children related things?

I moved to a new area when dd was 2 and I honestly eyed up potential mum friends at the park and was super brave and introduced to a couple of mums who looked like my vibe. I met a few more who were parents of kids my dd made friends with when she started school. Recently I’ve me a friend through work. I live in a large village and I think that helps, like when I saw people with kids similar age to mine at park or toddler group I knew I was likely to see them again.

Book Club and work for me. Although they are all women friends, which I'm happy about, as I'm an out for coffee and meal with the girls type. They just haven't transferred into couple friends and DH isn't great at making his own friends so I have a good social life and he doesn't.

We do invite our old couple friends to come and stay (we moved area) and DH comes alive when we all chat over food etc.

Also, I chatted to a woman at a bus stop once and we got on so well she suggested we meet for coffee and we've been friends for years now 😂.

I never made any "mum" friends. I only have friends who are mums now through work (I retrained after having kids and made friends on my course as there was a high percentage of mature students with children).

It's weird that you don't find anyone who has reproduced to be a potential friend! You only want childless friends? I would have thought you had more chance with other parents who would understand your situation/friend limits a bit better.

Dog
Exercise classes

Work. I’m a single mum so not a huge amount of time for weekly hobbies.

Work. I never found "people who'd shagged at a similar time to me" to be a great basis for friendship.

I met one of my closest friends when she was hired for an event at my old workplace.
We got chatting a lot and basically never left eachother alone after that 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

The struggle is real! I found that it's been way harder making friends since becoming a mum. I used to be such a socialite, but found it really awkward as you're sometimes forced into situations with other adults you wouldn't necessarily meet outside of the child-centred spaces you now find yourself in. I recently read a blog (www.twinkl.co.uk/blog/maintaining-friendships-as-an-adult) that provided some helpful tips. Although I'm still working on it, I'm not rushing the process. Hope you find your people.

Book group, part-time study at university, volunteering.

Also random things like the wife of a friend from an overseas city I used to live in put me in touch with someone she vaguely knew who was moving to my city - neither of us knew her really well but she clearly understood us both as we had a huge amount in common and became really good friends!

Most of my adult friendships have been made in the workplace.

Hm? Where did I say this? I have friends with children, of course it's good to have friends in the same situation! But it would be nice to have friends outside of that too where I can have friends with mutual interests and not mostly because we have children. My workplace is tiny and we're quite rural so have found it hard to find other ways to make friends. I'd like adult conversation which isn't always interrupted 🤪

Well you ruled out people who's kids go to school or anyone who uses a playgroup, which is really limiting your pool. You're being short-sighted to assume that no-one at school/playgroup could possibly share an interest with you. They, like you, are multi-faceted people.

Is there any activity in your village that is for children and the mums are included due to their age.? Do you have a local library as groups often on notice boards and you might find something that interests you.?

Hobbies and fitness/yoga classes. I do a sculpture class once a week, drama, dance, various gym classes and yoga. I don't work so I have time in the day when dcs are at school.

An evening class when I was re-training and doing the AAT. Pretty much the only non "mum friend" I've made.

Oh my goodness. Classic Mumsnet where someone gets a bit cranky about a simple question and reads too much I to it!

I've spent the last 5+ years with people from those places! Sorry for trying to branch out! Maybe it's different where you are but local toddler groups are usually made up of childminders and grandparents, so that why I haven't had much luck! Nursery gates everyone is in and out so hardly a chance and in my area it's very cliquey and totally different to where I grew up so it just hasn't been easy. I haven't ruled them out, I've spent the past 5 years trying! Could you please not assume I don't want anything to do with people with children when that is my whole life?

Many thanks 🙄

Any helpful/ non-attacking comments welcome

Work.

I do also have a friend I made friends with through our children being in the same class.

Not really in our village, there's not much here at all so most of what we go to is 20/30 mins + but we do go to a bigger library fairly often which has a baby group which we go to occasionally. I wonder if they have a book club .. that would be good!

Thanks! I have thought of a yoga or pilates class now that my two are better with going to sleep etc. I also don't work most days but until January when my son is in nursery it has to be something I can do with him or in the evening which is okay, just need to find the right things

Just to say op, I understood what you meant by your question

I do chat to other mums at drop off and at toddler groups too and I hear you, and it's okay, but it's fleeting and usually kid-centred ("you ok?" "Yeah, you? Teething/potty training/sleepless night in the heat etc" then everyone dashes off to chase after one or more dc. I joined a book club, which was nice, just for something that was mine, I haven't made any friends (yet?) but after being in babyland for years it's a start.

I think this is really the 'how do you make friends as an adult' question, but with the added impediment that you're not really able to go out in the evenings as much so you can't do the sorts of things that normally get suggested for that. As a childfree adult I made friends at sports clubs, book clubs etc., but I'm not finding time to do those things at the moment. I wouldn't rule out nursery though, especially if it's a private one (i.e. not the local school one where many parents will already be fully integrated into the local community and not in the market for new friends as much, I'm not being snobby!). We found at our kids' nursery that quite a few parents, especially first-time parents, were keen to make friends and organised lots of toddler playdates and parties, and we met quite a few people we enjoy hanging out with when our kids aren't there. I live in an area where people relocate to for work, though, so lots of the parents also didn't have a local friendship circle already, and that might have made a difference.

I made 3 close friends through school and all the children have left school now. I also met great people at work. But to answer the actual question. I have made good long term friends through volunteering, dancing and hiking groups. I also made a very good friend on my commute to work about 26 years ago. But these days everyone has their face in their phone. I’m also friends with the local post mistress but again you don’t need to go in to a post office anymore as everything can be done online.

Your issue is you are quite rural, it’s a numbers game making friends. I find these days many people have very polar views and they won’t contemplate being friends with people unless they align politically so they can enjoy their own pathetic little echo chambers.

What things do you like doing? Start doing those more if you can!

I joined an orchestra, did some volunteering at fun events, went along to a local 'sip and paint' evening hosted at a local pub, and found a social group on meetup (like online dating for friendships) https://www.meetup.com/

A few of us branched off from the meetup group and now are really good friends ☺️

It's hard finding your people, you've got to be bold and put yourself out there!

Villages can be funny places, I could return to where I grew up and would fit in like a hand in a glove as it’s like Hot Fuzz. I have not lived there for 25 years but I’m still ‘ Elizabeth’s daughter’. Incomers are viewed with suspicion with a special form of hatred reserved for Londoners. Not having the local accent will always give incomers away. It’s quite a strong one. I have lost my burr but when I go home it returns a little. I committed the heinous crime of marrying someone from ‘that London ‘ he just finds it massively weird though beautiful where I grew up and it is equally both.

In a job I had in a major UK city I worked with someone who was from the next village over. I didn’t know him but of course we knew mutual folk. We used to greet each other by shouting ‘alright my lover’ down the corridor with the strong local burr. It mystified our colleagues.