Hen Do

[YJsMum]

AIBU Ok, so I'm getting married in August and I have 4 adult bridesmaids. I created a group for them so they could chat as they didn't know each other at all. I've been on a few hen do nights/weekends and always the bridesmaids contact you and let you know about the arrangements etc. I thought that they'd be thinking and chatting and arranging something but they haven't. Now there's no time. I feel really low about it as I've always wondered what they'd come up with and was looking forward to being the one that was thought about. It's usually me thinking of others. Was I supposed to do it myself? Honestly, I didn't think I was but is that what happens? I keep seeing other people's hen night pictures coming up on social media and I feel crap. AIBU?

I planned my own hen do and it was absolutely lovely and just what I wanted it to do. Then my sisters and mum helped with the organising and logistics but I planned the day, the activities etc. just do the same and allocate then things to sort out. I see what you mean that you wanted them to plan it but if they didn’t all know each other and there was no maid of honour they probably didn’t know how to/ that they were expected to organise it

I planned my own hen do but then all I wanted was a nice meal out.

I think if all you did was introduce 4 total strangers to each other in a WhatsApp group and then left them to it, you were probably not sufficiently clear. Unless you actually told them that you expected them to collectively organise your hen do, you were being a bit unrealistic. They don’t know each other. They don’t which of them knows you best or whether they all have the same relationship with you. I can understand why you’re disappointed but I think the buck stops with you for not offering more guidance. You’re essentially a bit cross with them for not somehow reading your mind.

Did you actually tell them you wanted a surprise hen do and them to arrange it? Bit daft of you just to have assumed that.

I wouldn't assume I was meant to be organising a hen do unless asked to.

Sorry OP but if you don't want to organise it yourself, you have to tell them you want a hen do and ask one of them to take the lead, plus suggest dates and give them idea of who else to invite.

August is ages away though, suggest you tell them/one of them that on reflection you'd love a girls night/hen night with anyone who can attend, if you send the BM group some other numbers can they do a doodle poll and see when most ppl can make it, etc.

I'd suggest a one day one night thing (eg spa, picnic, boat trip, craft, adventure, whatever in the day and dinner then drinks at night, local to you or to wherever most of them are based or the biggest nearby town which people can get transport to and from easily)

If you want them to organise your hen do, you need to tell them. Mind readers are thin on the ground.

Has there been no conversations at all? Its very strange none of them asked if you wanted a hen party? Regardless of who organises it it's very strange it hasn't been discussed at all even as general wedding chit chat..

I know this is in chat, but you did ask if YABU, and yes, I'm afraid you are.

You ABU to assume anything.
Some people like to organise their own hen do.
Some people don't want one.
Some people ask a particular person who they know is good at organising things.
Some people ask their BMs as a group.

But the key point is, the bride needs to let people know if there is something she wants them to do.

Did they maybe start a separate group chat without you in it?
Did you have any ideas/suggestions/dates that you started the original chat with?

Adding them to a group with no guidance is your downfall here. It’s a bit strange that none of you have mentioned a hen do in this chat but even then, you need to say what you’d like, it’s your party!

For me, two group chats were needed:

• one with me and bridesmaids, to chat about wedding logistics, planning, dresses, thoughts about a hen do (what I’d like, not like, etc)
• one with all the folk I’d like to go to hen do, plus bridesmaids. Once this is set up and bridesmaids introduced, I left the group. Meaning all hen do plans aside from the rough who/when/what kind of thing, are a surprise to me

Setting up a group chat is just a way of slightly getting to know one another before the wedding - unless you called it: Organise My Hen Between You All.

If brides don't want to organise their own do (and many do), they usually choose one person to coordinate - the Maid of Honour - and then the maid pulls in other people to help where needed. Did you make all of this clear?

If not, it sounds like miscommunication and that's a shame. Is there no chance to even go for dinner and drinks before the big day? Or do you all live too far apart? I didn't have a hen party because I think they're nightmares! But why not change the rules and go for a gathering at some point after the wedding when they all know each other a bit better?

Was I supposed to do it myself? Honestly, I didn't think I was but is that what happens?

Well, yes - unless you told them that you wanted them to arrange it. They aren't mind readers.