Why cant I function?

[Rockabybabyboat]

Im really upset with myself and I dont know what to do. I just cant function, I cant deal with daily life anymore.

Everything is hard, I lose stuff constantly, I cant stick to any routine or plans, Ive lost frirends because I forget plans or forget to reply to their messages. I cant bare the thought of cooking as it feels too much so If its just me eating I eat single ingredients. Im dreadful with money or hyper focused on saving - literally no inbetween. Every task feels so overwhelming that I dont do it, or im so focused on it it consumes me for days and I ignore everything else. I want to have a hobby, but things only peak my interest for a few weeks, I buy all the stuff and get bored when I cant do it properly (hence my £2k ceramic kiln I bought on a whim never being used), I forget to brush my teeth most days because it takes so much to remember to brush my kids. I cant make myself packed lunches or prep stuff the night before as it almost physically hurts to do certain tasks.

Ive always struggled but managed to hold it together when I had less responsibility, but now I have 2 kids, a house and a job full of juggling tasks and people (on mat leave atm) I cant keep it together, its ruining my marriage (my husband is furious with me as ive lost his car keys after borrowing them because I lost mine - so now we have no keys to either car).

Im trying to declutter the house as its just too overwhelming and maybe that'll help but I cant keep up, ive tried planners and Brain dumps and making routines but I stick to them for a day or so then cant be looking at it. Ive tried reducing decisions so i dont get decision fatigue but then I feel too restricted so want to do something different. I was desperate to sort myself out on mat leave as im so scared to go back to work and juggle that as well, the thought of going to work makes me so sick.

I cant do it anymore, its literally impacting every single thing in my life, my kids are going to grow up wifh a chaotic mother who uses literally every piece of herself to just about look after them.

And to make it worse, im starting to see my 3 year old struggle with it too, and I feel so guilty that I cant teach him how to manage it

What's wrong with me, why am I so pathetic at things that seem so easy to everyone 😫😭

I need help - how do i fix myself when my brain wont let me do the tasks 😭

You are not pathetic. You sound completely overwhelmed.
Is you husband pulling his weight and sharing the household tasks plus parenting?
I'm not sure what to suggest to help as it sounds like you have tried some things already.
If decluttering would help, can you find someone to come and help? I'm sure there must be people out there who do that as a job.

Any ideas on how to fix myself would be appreciated, I dont want to be like this anymore

He does to an extent, he works long hours so out the house like 5am- 6pm so the morning routine and nursery collection is on me.

He'll do bedtime with my toddler, and handles the washing up and half the laundry.

He does the garden, and will help with stuff after I ask him a few times.

Its not worth the arguments and the constant nagging to get thim to do anymore, which is a problem but the alternative is leaving him which means I have more things to do 😔

Just posting again to boost you back to thy front page.

The thing that jumped out to me in your original post is do you have ADHD? If this hasn't occurred to you before, it might be worth reading about it and thinking about pursuing a diagnosis. If you've tried loads of things to help and your husband pitches in, then I'm not sure what else you can do to make your life easier/less stressful.

Before that though, you need to find the car keys. You can't have 2 cars and no keys! Once you find them, put air tags or similar on them so you won't lose them again.

My instant thought is ADHD. Especially because you coped (masked) before but it’s impossible with children in the mix.

Diagnosis first, meds and therapy if appropriate, loads of books and tips and life hacks online but really, the only things that have helped my DP (diagnosed as an adult) are the meds, a MASSIVE declutter, and visual solutions: keys on wall hooks in the hallway, not in a bowl hidden away; big whiteboard with the calendar on, signs on the back of the front door as reminders, that kind of thing.

I agree with previous posters to check out adhd. Even if you don’t want to go down the route of diagnosis just googling ADHD strategies will help you find techniques to manage life. For example I use Alexa to remind me of everything (cooking timers, birthdays, appointments). I use banking app so I can visualise my money, put it in pots etc. BUT you are not the entire problem. Why is your husband out from 5am to 6pm? Long commute? Long hours? Can he rethink his schedule to adapt to family life? Can he change jobs? Get a shorter commute? You had a family together and have to find a way to cope with the pressure together.

Undiagnosed ADHD? I had no idea that it could present this way, I thought you had to be hyperactive. I feel like it's more well known these days but there are still people this is new info for.

Seriously go and look up how inattentive type ADHD presents in women.

Diagnosis really helped me understand myself and start to work with my brain rather than against it. Then medication helped on another level again. I'm still not "normal" but I'm not a total disaster any more.

Thank you!

I did consider ADHD after some desperate googling, but I was worried that everyone (including GP) will just assume im jumping on the current ADHD trend but im struggling so much.

I eventually found a set, in the car 😬, im hoping the other set is at my parents or friends (ive put the search out), but ill definitely buy some air tags so I can atleast see theyre at home for when (as this isnt the first time) lose them again

Did your DH just go to the GP and ask to be assessed? Or did he go down the private route? (My cousin was diagnosed about 4 years ago privately and pays £250 a month on medication which i cant afford 😫)

I have a hook but it must not be in the right place as I never use it, ill try see where put my keys and move the hook there! Thank you

Honestly just not being a disaster would help so much, ive gone from being comically ditsy to people being pissed off at me constantly because I lose or forget things.

I forgot my sons dentist appointment and they said if I miss another EVER theyll strike him off - im gutted ive risked his NHS dentist cause I cant keep it together.

Ill have a look thank you

Hes moved industries recently for a decent salary increase, so has a long commute at the minute, the plan is in a few years he'll be a bit closer to home. His schedule isnt movable at the minute, but maybe I can talk to him to see if he can help in otherways in the mean time, maybe checking things are in place for an easy morning and school run.

Thank you for the suggestions - maybe time to invest in an Alexa

It's not a trend. There is a whole generation of us who never got picked up as children because our male, hyperactive classmates were the squeaky wheel while we were just quietly unscrewing and nobody noticed until we get to a point where our life responsibilities overwhelm our executive functioning level.

It feels like a trend because we're all realising it at once, telling each other etc and getting those diagnoses caught up is a huge backlog. But the amount of people diagnosed is still well below the estimated prevalence in the population. There aren't inflated numbers getting a diagnosis, despite what some people claim.

Listening to Russell Barkley's talks have been helpful for me. I especially liked his interview on the podcast Ologies. Unless you have the means for a private assessment and titration, NHS waiting lists are long. Right to Choose is also an option. But basically, Dr Barkley has a plan for adults which is diagnosis, education, medication, accommodation. You can swap the order of the first two and start with education. It was basically a hyperfocus for me. The ADHD Adults podcast is good and How to ADHD on YouTube. Start by learning as much as you can about ADHD, the research on it, various people's experiences with it, and you'll gain useful insights which seem to help but most of all you'll stop feeling so broken and alone.

Grab a copy and make an ultimate list, including timy things to see where you feel everything is going wrong. Text your friends and tell them what you told us (I don’t know what’s happening to me I feel everything’s unmanageable), and get help! Your dh, family, a cleaner. Why should women have to do everything? And talk to your dh x Oh and most importantly find a way to get sleep- it’s a game changer!! X

I'll come back later with some more specific strategies but I'm off out for a thing and have to get ready

I feel for you. I have similar tendencies. Other people don’t always cooperate which leaves me drowning in responsibilities.

So, one job at a time. Google calendar or similar that you share with DH. Set alerts and alarms. I use the iCloud lists/reminders thing so that I get reminded to do things on the right day. You can have colours as well. It would be a lot to set up in one go, so concentrate on using it for everything new, then add something every time you’ve forgotten it- like PE kit day at school. If you forget, add it to the phone list for next time.

The hall- do what you need to do to get rid of any excess stuff so shoes and keys are always visible to you. There are great storage ideas in Ikea hacks on Facebook. I have my key hooks on the back of the front door. Sticky hooks. As many as you need!

Then do a room at a time setting things up for you to win.

Look into ADHD, but also you can use the strategies etc without needing a diagnosis. There's loads of YouTube content on strategies for ADHD and exec function difficulties. Simplify, store things where you use them, tack tasks onto things you already do automatically like chaining your own teeth brushing onto the kids' brushing or checking the diary after dinner every day.

if you are super frazzled or burned out you may do best starting by trying to soothe your nervous system down. No one can make good decisions or remember the small stuff when their system is overloaded - if there was a hungry lion in the room anyone would struggle to recall the dentist's appointment or their mum's birthday. People rave about mindfulness for this. I rate a night or two away in a hotel by yourself.

Hello. I can relate so much to your initial post. Everything fell into place when my (young adult) son worked out he had adhd and was diagnosed. I’ve chosen not to seek diagnosis but the awareness that I am almost certainly adhd has helped in terms of strategies and a bit of self compassion here and there. There were trigger points where things were worse for me such as having small children and during perimenopause.
In terms of cleaning etc I find The Organised Mum really helpful. I have a Patreon subscription and listen to her guided cleans and organising sessions. It is amazing what I can achieve with her in my ear versus left to my own devices where I stop/ start/ don’t finish etc. Agree with earlier point about having consistent place for keys etc and the fewer possessions the better. I always like holidays where I have an edited amount of clothes etc with me and only a case of ‘stuff ‘ to manage. Good luck x

If you go to your GP you can be referred for Right to Choose, where you can use a private practitioner, but the NHS pays for it. I would advise going to one that can prescribe NHS prescriptions too.

https://adhduk.co.uk/right-to-choose/

My adult daughter got diagnosed this way and it has been really helpful for her. I am considering it too as I have struggled and both my children have been diagnosed with ADHD!

For appointments, I add it straight into Google calendar when I book it (before I leave or do seething else) and set notifications (not emails!) to remind me one week before, one day before and when you will need to think about leaving if you need that help too!

ADHD is still very much under diagnosed! It's always been around and at the same percentage of the population.

People are just discovering it more in the mainstream and it's no longer thought of as being just diagnosed in naughty boys at school.

I don't think it's a coincidence that all these posters are mentioning ADHD to you op!

The only problem about it being talked about so much is that NHS queues for testing are now so long.

Don't worry about jumping on a bandwagon; be kinder to yourself!

Hello, this sounds exactly like me when everything is getting too much! I have ADHD - and think you should definitely look into that - but I have also realsed my symptoms are so much worse when I’m low in iron, vitamin d and b12. Have you had your bloods tested recently? I found my probs with low iron etc emerged after childbirth so maybe that’s also at play with you too.

Try taking methylated b vitamins and L-theanine supplements to help your focus and feeling of overwhelm. Try not to have too much caffeine. Be kind to yourself - you undoubtedly have lots of other good qualities. And remember that you have achieved a lot by giving birth to and raising two healthy children. That’s our main function really. We weren’t designed to be running a complex household while our partner works long hours. You’re doing okay.
I say all this as a fellow ADD type. God the years with young children were hard. My capacity to absently mind put things somewhere while I’m thinking about the next thing is huge.

Prioritise one thing that causes stress - your keys perhaps. Agree a place that they always go with your DH and ask him to remind you when he can to put them there or check they’re there. Try to train yourself into this habit. It’s hard when you have little ones distracting you and a busy schedule but you’ll get there if you really prioritise it. Once I missed my turn helping at the school because I forgot about it. I had seen it written on the calendar in the morning but had forgotten by the afternoon. Even when the organiser commented at the school gates, ‘You missed your turn to help’ I looked at her blankly and asked, ‘What turn to help’?
My children are adults now and life is much much easier. But I know when I’m unusually busy I’ll lose something , leave something behind, forget something, drive the wrong way somewhere and subsequently be late.

modern family life is brutal . Be kind to yourself op

I have ADHD and this is my life!

I need to use my phone alarm for everything, even cooking something quick because I forget I’m doing it. You can label your alarms so they tell you what to do, even things like “text so and so”.

I keep 3 main lists - admin, work, personal. I look at these every morning and read them, see what actions I need to take that day - unless I’m in a rut, which I often am, because I skipped looking at the lists and stopped using alarms … it’s a chaotic cycle.

It’s frustrating. I’ve got this version of myself in my head where I function like a normal person and I can never get there. I’ve been trying since I was a teenager.

Adding to the recommendation of methylated b vitamins and L theanine from pp above, magnesium l threonate is also great - keeps my anxiety somewhat in check.

I use the Organised Mum’s guided cleans - when I don’t forget haha - to keep me on track and motivated when doing housework.

@Rockabybabyboat He went to the GP and had to sit on a waiting list for a looooong time. If you go the medication route, it has to be regularly reviewed and at the moment there seem to be frequent shortages; both those things add another layer of admin/things to remember! But he says it’s still better now than pre-medication. From my outsider perspective, the difference is night and day.