I seem to cycle between states of feeling amazing, and feeling awful. I feel upset, sad and exhausted, anxious about everything in my life and try to plan everything down perfectly otherwise I feel like my life’s spiralling out of control. I become really reserved and awkward in social situations as I feel extremely anxious, paranoid and judged no matter what I say or do. I feel huge anxiety and feel sick and shaky before social interactions. I feel like I’m constantly in a cloud of doom and gloom, as soon as I wake up I feel weighed down and foggy. I just feel so weak and like there’s a heavy load on my heart all the time. It doesn’t take very much to make me cry. I lose personal hygiene standards, like just not feeling it to be physically possible to brush my teeth, do my makeup or hair for work, shower as regularly as I should, sometimes neglecting going for a wee in the evenings as all I can do is just lay in bed until I fall asleep. I don’t want to go outside or see anyone other than my partner as I feel extremely paranoid and anxious. It feels impossible to get out of bed to even make food, I force myself to go to work but I have been asked recently by a couple of people if I’m feeling okay. I feel easily triggered into being tearful and anxious by simple comments. It feels impossible to answer texts or emails. I fall asleep early and wake up late.
Then when I get out of this state, I feel completely the opposite, I feel as though my life is perfect, I’m perfect and I can do anything I want to do basically. I will deep clean the entire house daily, take extreme care and pride in my appearance, I also tend to write down plans for my life in this state too, but more in a positive way, such as my big dreams and ideas for businesses, goals etc. I feel happy and sometimes a sense of euphoria when I’m with friends, or even just by myself at work or anything.
I can get angry and overstimulated very quickly, if the house isn’t ’up to standard’ or just over small things. I will fall asleep late, around 1 or 2, and usually wake up around 6am.
This can change as quickly as day to day, but usually between 3 days to a week I would say.
I’ve felt like this basically my entire life, I did go to camhs a couple of times when I was younger where they told me I had ‘severe low mood’ and generalised anxiety disorder, but they were useless to be honest. I’m now at the point where it’s really affecting my relationships and my work life. I always make plans to go to the doctor and then as soon as the fog lifts for a second I convince myself I’m just being dramatic, so I never go. However, I’m realising that this is not a normal pattern, and that I don’t want to waste my life feeling like this.