In praise of a brilliant stepmother

[ChaChaChaChanges]

I know some stepmothers are awful, and those are the ones we tend to read about on Mumsnet because they’re making problems, but having read some truly awful things on here I wanted to post about my DCs’ stepmother, who is an amazing and wonderful person.

XH and I split 10 years ago when our DCs were 7, 5 and 4. He wasn’t and isn’t a bad man; we were just wrong for each other. Although the split itself was hard, and we don’t always agree on parenting choices, I have always known that he had our DCs’ best interests at heart and so was coming from a good place when we didn’t immediately see eye to eye.

I’m not sure when he met his now-wife (I’m
going to call her Anne, not her real name). The DCs met her about a year after XH and I had split, and I met her not long after. From the first moment I saw her it was clear that (a) the DCs liked and were comfortable around her and (b) she and XH are much better suited together than we ever were.

Over the past 9 years, she has been nothing but a huge positive in the DCs’ lives. She manages the difficult balance of being a responsible adult figure in their lives without trying to be their parent. All three open up to her in a way they don’t with XH or me. I’m so pleased and happy that she’s a part of their lives. The more people who love and look out for my DCs the better, as far as I’m concerned.

What a lovely post OP. I’m a stepmum and have been for twenty five years. My stepdaughters always give me the most beautiful Mother’s Day cards and lovely presents to go with it. I’m truly grateful to have them in my life.

Wow I’m happy for you children but also sad for myself despite being grandma age.
My stepmother made it clear she didn’t want me around so I lost contact with my dad.

That’s really nice, and also a testament to your attitude on the whole thing.

@Fairyliz - I’m so sorry that happened to you.

@GenerousGardener - you sound every bit as lovely as Anne is.

If you don’t mind me asking, would your dad not see you without his wife?

You seem a lovely person @ChaChaChaChanges . Thanks for a kind and generous post. Three cheers for the Mum and Step-mum.

No she wouldn’t let him do anything without her and he being a weak willed man didn’t stand up to her.

I know a fantastic step mum. She has her frustrations but has been nothing but a positive beacon of stability and fun for her husband’s two girls. He is also a ‘hands on’ great dad.

The bio mother is self confessed ‘not maternal’ and more interested in meeting new men on her phone and I think even she values the SM. The girls are on the cusp of teenage years and I just know there will be turbulence ahead but my friend seems almost born to have married him and played that SM role (no DC of her own yet), they love her and rely on her so much.

Love reading positives of stepmums!

I am one, have been for over 20years. Unfortunately bio mum would never post what you have not because she doesn’t agree but because she just couldn’t ever say I was a nice person that has done so so much for the children but also her too. she still spouts her narrative of how things worked out but I’ve never heard any truth in any of it!

ultimately, I think most step parents just try their best and most of the time get it right, it’s all a balancing act just like it is raising children in the first place.

I’m thankful I have my two (one of lived here), they’re both great people that regularly tell me how appreciated I am! Not just their dad that gave them the childhood they had here is what they say because neither remember a time without me in their life!

Lovely post OP

I feel the same way about my ex’s wife. She adores my children and they adore her.

My children have a step mum and she’s lovely, they have all stayed in touch even though she is no longer with their father.

Sent by my 19 yo stepdaughter I on Mothering Sunday this year. My husband has been widowed for nearly four years when we met, his children were 7 and 10 …

Whoops …

Amazing post, but don't do yourself a discredit here because your attitude towards her is also one of the things that really makes this all work. You didn't go in wanting to hate her, or feeling resentful because she got to spend time with your kids that you didn't. The cherry on the cake is when you said that you are happy your children can go to her with things they wouldn't either you or your ex - my godchildren's parents say that about me and I almost want to put it on my CV it makes me bust with pride so much. You have enabled her to be her best, so a lot of this credit is on you. What a wonderful post, so good to read.

I have a step MIL who I adore. She’s a second Mum to me, always the voice of calm and wisdom and she absolutely adores our daughter and is just the best and most involved grandma. I thank my lucky stars that she’s part of our lives

One of the happiest things that’s happened was when my youngest, he would have been about 10 at the time, said to me “I feel like I have two mums - you and Anne - is that OK?” And we sat down together, DS3 and me, to text Anne so he could tell her how much he loves her. And she called us straight back, almost in tears. She’s very special; we’re all lucky to have her in our lives.

This is lovely to read ☺️ I'm sure your children have benefitted hugely from having all the adults in their lives being respectful and appreciative of each other!

Unfortunately, some break ups are so painful, bitter and unpleasant that it leaves the ex partners unable to think and behave in a reasonable manner with each other and often Stepmothers are thrown into the middle of this. So many posts on here are from Stepmothers who are struggling to forge a relationship with children who have been damaged by the anger and recriminations between their parents. It's very sad 😔

This is so lovely. It’s so great that you can all love your kids and be there for them!

I don’t have nor am I a stepmother however the lady I called my great-nana was actually my nana’s step mum. She passed away when I was 18 and we all loved her greatly. My nana is now 90 and she still tells me what a brilliant wife her step mum was to her dad and what good step mum she was to her. My nana doesn’t really speak highly of anyone so it’s high praise indeed!

What a beautiful post 💕

💕💕💕

My stepmum is brilliant. It was hard when I was a child as my mum bad mouthed my dad and stepmum on a daily basis. I didn't know there were two sides, children don't. I only heard my dad's side a couple of years ago and I'm now 40. I'm closer to my stepmum than my mum but that is my mum's doing.

I have had an awful relationship with DS's dad, he was an abusive twat and I was lucky to be rid of him. I have bitten my tongue for years and not uttered a word against him to DS. DS is 17 now and after making the effort with his half brother to see his dad on Father's Day it's safe to say speaking to him or seeing him has dropped to the very bottom of his priority list. He's seen for himself what he's like. I didn't need to say anything.

One of the reasons I really like my SIL is that as well as being a fantastic mum to my niece, she's also a really lovely stepmum to my nephew. She is kind and loving, but does put boundaries with him without ever trying to usurp ex-sil's place.

ex-sil regularly expresses how lucky she feels about the fact that dbro is with sil, and they all spend mother's day together. It's lovely to watch.

This is a beautiful thread. It's so lovely to read of so many brilliant stepparents, instead of some of the negative things we hear.

My dd has a wonderful stepmum too.
Treats her like her own, loves her to bits.
Much more suited to my ex than I ever was!
We have shared Christmas, prom, gap year, everything.
And she had an affair with my then partner whilst we were together!
But he spun her a narrative that she believed.
However 20 years later we are firm friends and she’s fabulous x