Cafcass, undertaking on new partner, history of domestic abuse

[rosexoxox]

Hi, long story pending.
My abusive ex of 7 years who I have three children with, has taken me to court regarding children and also my current partner. He requested he gets safeguarding checks. Initially social services brought them back clear. Then following this Cafcass have done checks and they have flagged as red. 8 years ago since teen years my partner was a nightmare. Stealing, fighting etc. anyway I knew this would flag. However, calls from his followers ex at that time have also flagged. She has reported him various times for domestic abuse type statements.

he had told me their relationship was toxic and that she would always call the police on him, but did not say this would be in the report.

cafcass have advised the court to not allow him around my children.

my time with him has been lovely, abuse free, demonstrating a healthy relationship with my three young children who adore him.

he moved away and changed his life 8 years ago.

i am now finding out that I am pregnant….

i do not want this to happen effect the custody of my current children (3.4,6), but am now pregnant and happy.

do I have any chance of lifting this undertaking?

his 7 year and 5 year relationship surrounding the toxic one have said they will do statements about how he is in a relationship (positive ones) and he’s also contacted the bad relationship in a hopes she will write a statement to say toxic but no abuse.x

my current children obviously come first, however, i do not wish to be a single mum again (not of choice).

I have never seen any questionable behaviour and myself and my children are very happy!

please help!!

Didn’t know about it until recently and yes I have

So are you in a relationship or not?

What stage are you in at Court? Safeguarding checks
and FHDRA?

In terms of legalities, although there is a history of DV/other issues, if they are not current (and you need to be clear that they arent current) then no one, court or SSD are going to be removing children from you because of him living with you. They might feel that a CP or CHIN plan is needed but that would be based on presenting current risk and harm, or ongoing likely risk.

However, in terms of your own decision making, your choice has not been 'safe' for children. In my view, you shouldnt be living with someone that you have only been in a realtionship with for a year, with such young vulnerable children who have already been exposed to harm by your previous relationship.

You need to consider carefully whether being a mum of 4 children, with either a potentially risky partner, or no partner is what you want. You need to consider whether these children need another sibling in their life.

So when you say your kids have a good life with you and their dad, are you meaning your abusive ex or your current partner?

Please, never again move a man into your children's home when you have known him less than a year. That was unbelievably irresponsible of you.

In your situation, I'd have an abortion and focus on the children I already had. I would also block your current partner and remain single for a long, long time.

Put your children first. He is not a good man. A year is too soon to know and the mask will slip.

Yet again I read on here someone moving their new man into their house when they have young children. What the hell is the matter with people? Why not put your children before your love life and have some quality time just you and them for a few years.
just so irresponsible and now you’ve found out his worrying past behaviour and got pregnant.

What a mess, your poor children.

Blimey, you don’t hang about.

You definitely will be a single mum again if you continue with this pregnancy. Can you support 4 young children?

People on here are abusive for GOD'S SAKE. The woman is in such a dilemma. She didn't come here for even more abuse, she came here for advice.

She said the man was absolutely good to her and her children so why all the "your poor children"
No one does an enhanced DBS on potential partners. Anyone can fall into this

@Rosexoxox
There can be many explanations for this. He could have been abusive or it could have been a toxic relationship where the woman used to threaten him with police. You can't be sure unless you speak to his ex partners, which isn't the best approach

I can't advise you about the pregnancy but you should seek professional advice. Maybe see a DV counsellor.

Hope you find the best way through this for both you and your children

@Survivor2020 I agree some of the posts could be worded better on here, but I think many are just voicing a concern for the children which is completely valid.

The OP has left an abusive relationship (and full credit to her for doing so), now she is in a relationship with someone who has been flagged up as abusive and who she has only known for a year. We don't know the truth but with young children why take the risk of living with him? She could see him and live apart if she wants, including if she keeps the baby. Many posters will know women are love bombed before the abuse starts and a year is too short a time to know anyone's character.

Parents take every possible care to mitigate potential risks for their children. By not living with a man flagged as abusive, she can mitigate this risk too.

I agree.
So many women are either selfish or have such poor self esteem that they believe that any man is better than no man, or both those things, that they think of themselves first and their children second.
OP should terminate the pregnancy, get rid of the man and concentrate on trying to be a good mother to her existing children.

The same old story coming up on mumsnet time and time again. Put your children first ffs! Terminate this baby and get away from this man. Try being alone and focus on your poor kids. Don’t bring more children into this mess!

Can you afford to have four children? Do you have the capacity to take on another baby?

You say your ex was abusive for 7 years and that will have affected your children. It wasn't a good idea to move a man you barely know into their home. You have to put them first.

It would be a good idea to do the Freedom Programme; it teaches you about healthy relationships. It's very common to go from one abusive relationship to another, so please take heed of the warnings and ask him to move out.

What a mess.

Do your children not live with you OP? How does that work if he isn't allowed to be with your children?

I doubt you will get this restriction removed, it is likely you could risk losing all your children (including the unborn one) if you decide to go ahead.

OP, you said ‘yes I have’. Which question are you answering?

Plus, why have you let him move in? What was the purpose?

You seem to be making excuses a lot in this thread, do you understand the dangers to your children, and are you going to do anything about that?

Yet. No abuse yet. It’ll come, at the moment it’s just good and new and fresh. He has that criminal record and reports for a reason. Kick him the fuck out before it’s too late for your poor children.

OP why did you move a man into your children’s home after less than a year? How long has he lived with you now?

Honestly @rosexoxox I would have a termination. I would end this relationship and work really hard on creating a lovely single life for myself and my children.

Any other pathway will lead to heartache, chaos and potentially further abuse and trauma.

Your youngest is 3 and you have been in your current relationship for s year
Yet you were single for three years🤔

I know it’s easy for me to say this, but the sensible thing would be to leave him.

The fact that his ex actually went to the police tells you so much. She was obviously scared that he was going to physically abuse her eventually.

As others have said, there tends to be a pattern where people who have previously been abused get into new relationships where they are abused again.

None of this is fair on your children and speaking objectively, I would terminate and separate from your partner. Appreciate this is very easy for me to say as I’m a total stranger and not involved at all.

You've been together with new partner for a year and already living together? Has he moved out now he's not allowed round your children, otherwise how does that work?

Do you think it's a good idea to have a 4th child? Do you work? Does your ex give financial support for your existing 3 kids? Does your new partner work?

Honestly it's still early days and your new partner will still be on his best behaviour, an abusive nature will often not show initially.

If I were you I would be seriously thinking this is not a good time to have another child with someone who has a questionable past and who I haven't known long.

It's not normal to have a police record de. Domestic abuse, even if no actual charges.

Op this isn't making sense, you say you've been with your current bloke one year, living together, have 3 kids with abusive ex one being 3 years old and yet you say youve been single for 3 years? The truth of the matter appears to be you've moved too quickly with this new man and the fact is he has a concerning past with regards to abuse and criminal behaviour, you've already moved him in with your kids, and you're now pregnant. Your children already have an abusive father but now you're making them live with your boyfriend who has also got abusive tendencies, and they are now going to have to cope with a new baby etc.

'nobody does a DBs check on a new partner.' Not but when there's young children involved a Claire's Law request should be the minimum! Along with not moving a man in and getting pregnant to him after less than a year.