Can anyone talk to me about the ending of therapy?

[therapyending]

I have been in psychotherapy for four and a half years. In February I told my therapist that I wanted to end but then decided to stay as I felt I might be on the brink of something emerging that I wanted to deal with.

Since then I have felt very stuck and frankly am running out of steam with the process and also don't want to spend much more on it. I said again a couple of weeks ago that I would like to end, or at least pause.

My therapists view seems to be that stuckness can come just before another layer emerges and that I have put her in the role of a difficult person in my early life, and that my wanting to end therapy comes from a 'young' place.

I understand what she is saying, but I still want to leave. I am finding it really stressful to go over and over this ground about why I want to leave. I feel like I have a loss of agency, which ties with this difficult person, but also, I feel there is something of a power imbalance between therapist and patient.

She is now suggesting another 6-8 sessions to bring it to an end. I am finding this whole process exhausting and stressful now, but really want to have a good ending.

Anyway, just interested in the thoughts of others who have had long term therapy or who are themselves therapists.

My therapists view seems to be that stuckness can come just before another layer emerges and that I have put her in the role of a difficult person in my early life, and that my wanting to end therapy comes from a 'young' place.

That reads to me like she's ... perhaps blaming you is too strong a word but she's certainly putting the onus on you, not just offering a possible explanation for what you're feeling.

I am finding it really stressful to go over and over this ground about why I want to leave. I feel like I have a loss of agency, which ties with this difficult person, but also, I feel there is something of a power imbalance between therapist and patient.

If you are going over the same old stuff with no different outcome, something's not right. The fact that you are feeling without power and exhausted is very telling. I know therapy can be hard at times but feeling like you are, and you are articulating why so it's not a confusion issue, after this length of time is not how it should be.

What you are describing is what many people in controlling relationships feel.

Being blunt about it, you have been paying her bills for the last four and a half years, of course she doesn't want to lose you.

It's perfectly normal to end therapy at some point, in most cases a lot earlier than that. She should be accepting that her job here is done and wishing you well.

Can your good ending be along the lines of 'thanks so much for all you have done, I'll not be back next week'? Are you worried about offending her? You could, if you don't pay up front, just not go again. You are the employer here, you don't owe her anything. Especially if her services are no longer what you need.

Tell your therapist you have been in therapy with her for four and a half years, and intend to take a break to process what you have already learned.
then take time out. If you feel you need to go back for more therapy you can consider a different type of therapy or a different therapist.

When you get stuck in therapy it can feel like you are playing guessing games with someone who knows the answer but refuses to let you in on the secret. Its massively frustrating and as StPancreasPiano says, can feel borderline abusive.

Thank you. Yes, it does feel borderline abusive. I feel like I have explained where I am coming from and we are on the same page and then it starts again the next week 'I am just wondering what happened to that anger you expressed' etc etc. Honestly I am fucking sick of it

I feel like I'd benefit more from spending 6 weeks of therapy money on a holiday

Are you scared of hurting her feelings?

No, not really, it's more that I feel that she might be right and that I am leaving because I can't confront something that I do really want to deal with.

But to me it feels like a bit of a sunk cost fallacy, I could keep going for another year and still not get to it

it's more that I feel that she might be right and that I am leaving because I can't confront something that I do really want to deal with

You've had four and a half years, if she hasn't guided you to it already another six to eight sessions isn't going to do it. If you feel you want to explore more perhaps a different therapist will help you see things with fresher eyes.

I feel like I have explained where I am coming from and we are on the same page and then it starts again the next week

Again, this is what many controlled people say. The more of your thoughts you share - I get the irony that you need to tell her your thoughts for the therapy to work - the more your abuser/therapist/person who doesn't have your best interests at heart have to work with against you, to keep you doubting, to keep you thinking they know best.

Listen to your instincts @therapyending , they are trying to take you down a different path

I'm afraid this doesn't sound very ethical. Therapists shouldn't be encouraging clients who want to leave therapy to stay.

Sometimes it's better to either have a pause or to see a different therapist. It's common to feel stuck in therapy but there should be a clear plan as to how to work through the stuckness.

I think after that amount of time most of the transferences between client and therapist should have been worked through. You shouldn't be feeling such a power imbalance. I encourage clients to increase their sense of autonomy both in the therapeutic relationship and in your life outside therapy.

This so incredibly helpful, thank you, I have found it so hard to see what is going on

This sounds really unhealthy and unprofessional.

I have not done psychotherapy as in some of the more long term psychoanalysis, but I have done therapy with your bog standard integrative type therapist who draws on multiple modalities. When we started, we set goals for our work together and these were regularly reviewed and we discussed if I was getting out of the sessions what I needed.

We worked together for about 6 months until I felt like I was getting close to achieving what I’d hoped. We then put plans in place for how we’d close down our sessions and had a final session that was like an overview of everything and a focus on the future.

I know there are different approaches, but 4 years and it doesn’t sound like regular check-ins about intentions and needs, just doesn’t sound great. I would make plans with her for how she will close out your work together, have a break and consider a different therapist and a different modality in the future.

You should be in control here. If you feel it’s coming to an end or there’s no change, then finish it. Your therapist should be finding new clients. Spend your money elsewhere.

I am a therapist. She is right, that sometimes stuckness leads to a breakthrough. I have experienced this in my own therapy, and many times for clients. Also, it is best practice to have time to explore what ending looks like for you and means to you, especially if you have poor experiences of it. After 4.5 years, you could end up repeating patterns of abandonment if you don’t carefully think about ending.

BUT……..what isn’t ok, is her holding you in therapy when you don’t want to stay. Be clear that this is the time you want to end, and when you want that to be. Share how you feel being told you need to have 6-8 more. You have some say in this process.
wishing you well

This all sounds very dodgy to me. I had a therapist who I had through work. She’s full time with my organisation, so is paid regardless of who she sees ( but has a waiting list).

Ive seen her for three rounds of therapy. We’re entitled to 6 sessions, but she’ll do longer or less based on the issue you are working through.

each time she has a plan and has you ship shape and out of the door as soon as possible. She’s really effective, but gives you the tools and sends you ( very kindly) on your way.

I’ve had some serious stuff to deal with too, so it’s not like I’m moaning about superficial stuff

Another therapist here, agreeing with @therapist78

If the therapist is holding you in the relationship (or trying to) when you are clear you want to end, that’s not ok. I struggled to end a therapy relationship that was long-term, felt very stuck and repetitive and which, in retrospect, I realised was repeating something for me from the past. AND it was tapping into the therapist’s history, too, and where our histories met caused the stuckness. I needed to take a break and see another therapist before figuring this out just because I needed the distance from the relationship. Therapy can definitely become stale and stuck and it might not always be possible to resolve those things with the same therapist. You might have outgrown them.

I think the breakthrough may co e from you experiencing feeli g stuck with someone who you imagine is trying to keep you - what? Obedient? In your place? Trapped somehow? Or else what? You'll be seen as not good enough? Disobedient? You'll be abandoned? These are the nuts and bolts of the transference and the breakthrough comes when you experience this and then find your voice to articulate how it feels. I can't guess what that is, but I can guess that it will have echoes in your experience of other important, dependent relationships in which you felt vulnerable and perhaps stuck. So tell her all about how this leaves you feeling. The six to eight ending sessions is to process these feelings and other things that have come up over the past four years. I'd say that for four years work eight ending sessions is about right.

Sometimes people find their agency, and their capacity to speak up for themselves in difficult situations at exactly this time in therapy, and if you can, it will stand you in good stead for ever.

It may appear 'borderline abusive'but if you feel that way I would think about whether you are working through feelings that in fact belong to other, earlier relationships in the transference relationship with your therapist. If she is properly trained and registered I'd lean towards this possibility.

Do you feel like you want more sessions or are you happy to end things by text?

What type of therapy is this?
How much have you spent?
4.5 years with the same therapist and still with unresolved issues doesn't sound like a good deal to me.

Thank you everyone, I was away with friends over the weekend but I have been thinking about this a lot. @Anna20MFG I think this is right, there is some sort of repeat of times when I felt not listened to, shut down and so on.

I am going to absolutely do my best to articulate this on Wednesday and also to tell her how stressful I find the lack of clarity on when to end.

Definitely bring it up and see if it can be worked through. It might be really helpful.Or, as @Craftycorvid said, it may also be that you've gone as far as you can with this therapist for reasons to do with both you and them, and a break and maybe if you want to a fresh perspective on it all from someone else at a later date could also be helpful moving things forward. Good luck!

How are you doing @therapyending ? Do you feel any further forward this week?

Then do! It's your money, your time, your life.

I can't help wondering sometimes if therapists suggest 'just six more sessions' to give them time to find a new client to fill the financial gap that will occur when you drop out. You can leave at any time for any reason you choose. You have tried twice now to give notice. Just terminate the process.

Thanks for asking @StPancreasPiano. I actually had a huge breakthrough last week, it was very unexpected, but I think came from me really wrestling with why I felt so bullied. I am still clear that I want to end, for various other reasons, but I am very glad that I didn't just pull the plug, and we now have a concrete plan to draw things to a close.

This thread was incredibly helpful to me, thank you to everyone who commented

They don’t. They know that ending abruptly can be very damaging, and a planned and prepared for ending can be hugely beneficial and healing.

@therapyendingI am glad you have found a way through this with your therapist.

That's good to hear @therapyending