Help, My Parents have autism

[Fadesto]

Please be kind, I just feel so guilty all the time and want to know how to navigate things differently.
My parents are lovely and there’s no malice in anything they do, but they can be a bit thoughtless about other peoples feelings/perspectives which was difficult as a child and still isn’t great. They’re very rigid in thinking, they handle situations in unusual (often difficult) ways, and talking to them can be difficult. They also cannot read a room or emotion, which can often leave me in awkward situations. They are super intense and one of them has quite significant rejection sensitivity so I often feel like I’m treading on eggshells.

All that said, I do love them and they love me, in fact they love me and dc so much that I think thats half the problem as I’m constantly feeling guilty about how much time and energy I can give them. But every time I see them I just feel so so drained. I know it’s not their fault but I saw them yesterday and realised I just came away feeling so frazzled and in a bad mood for the rest of the day. I’m spending so much energy trying to ‘manage’ them, which tbf they haven’t asked for.
can anyone relate? How do you cope? I just feel so guilty all the time.

Are they diagnosed? It sounds very difficult

My DH has autism, and uncomfortable as it is at first, when I learned to stop managing him, stop trying to fill the gaps in his emotional awareness and social awkwardness, but let him navigate them himself, life got a lot less exhausting. You can't change them. You have to change you desire to manage them.

I have exactly the same issue. I feel guilty because I don't like spending lots of time with them because its so exhausting!

Think you nailed it at the end saying you try to “manage “ them and they haven’t asked you to.
They could be posting saying exactly that.
unless they are elderly or ill they aren’t your responsibility.
They have raised you and you sound very caring. I expect that they can be themselves around you and may mask in public or around others. If so this must be exhausting for them.
Please don’t feel guilty I don’t think they would want you to.
If needed set some basic rules and boundaries for the relationship between you. Equally if they are saying or doing things that upset you or judging your parenting then tell them. They may not be aware.
Please be kind to yourself.
They have navigated parenting but might need help with the Grandparents role.
Maybe count to ten in your head before thinking you need to “manage” something your parents are saying or doing. A kind of pick your battles way.
Ultimately let them be themselves and try to relax
( easier said than done)

My mum is diagnosed, my dad says he doesn’t need a label, but he’s absolute text book. I think it’s hard in part not to manage them because of the rejection sensitivity I’m always worried I’m going to trigger it. They are incredibly emotional too, which I never know how to respond to, but maybe this is something I can try to just let them get on with.

@RedBeech how did you manage it? Are you able to give me an example of things you might do differently now?

yes @roamingcat thats it, I’m always trying to balance seeing them as much as they want to see us, vs how much time I can spend around them and I’m never getting it right.

thank you @24Dogcuddler i hadn’t thought they might be masking other places and not with me, you’re probably right - which makes me feel worse! But maybe will help me let things go a bit more

*@RedBeech how did you manage it? Are you able to give me an example of things you might do differently now?

I used to actively go out of my way to try and find friends for him. I had a busy social life with school mums but he didn't seem to get on with the school dads. He decided he was too clever for them. I used to try and make things better if we went to parties or dinner and he said things that people found odd or awkward. I used to stand at his side all night as he didn't know how to speak to people and felt lonely. For decades I masked all emotions as he couldn't cope with me being anything other than calm, and we always did things his way.

Then I just stopped. I'd had enough. I realised I was the one on antidepressants and he was breezing through life unaware of all the pressures I was putting on myself on his behalf (Not pressures he was putting on me. Things I volunteered.) So I stopped. At parties I'd drift off and talk to people and not check on him, deciding he is a grown man and can cope. If, socially, he was challenging, I let him and whoever he was talking to sort it out. When he rerally upset me, I not only let him know but I also explained that I had a right to a range of appropriate emotions and was no longer going to pretend things were fine. When I'd really had enough of always doing things his way (and I am very patient - we do things my way once every couple of years and his way every day in between!) I'd challenge him and not back down or simply make arrangements to do things my way. (E.g. not losing our house sale by booking the one available rental place behind his back, after he'd prevaricated for a couple of weeks, instead of 'waiting to see' if any other rental place came on the market when nothing had come on in months except this one, suitable place.)

I agree with @24Dogcuddler - do tell them. My DH is a lovely man and we've been married 30 years. But he is emotionally clueless. He never picks up on my mood, even when I am deeply upset. I remember him getting really angry with me because I was struggling to fill out a form, and he said, 'What is wrong with you today?' and I had to say, 'My dad just died!' because he hadn't made the connection between someone being emotional and brain fogged, and very recent bereavement.

I think what you do is have your own boundaries. Carve out the time you’re willing to give to them and accept that visits are going to be challenging. If it’s draining then reduce contact.

Yes they may get arsey about your boundaries but they are grown adults and they will have to accept it. Their feelings about it are their own to manage, not yours, so don’t let them guilt you about it. Their autism is no excuse.

It may be hard at first but like anything, once you’re consistent they’ll get used it.

Thank you @RedBeech this is helpful.

@Screamingabdabz this is what I’ve been doing but I do feel bad, they’re not horrible they’re just desperate to see us more and I feel bad when they don’t do anything ‘wrong’ I just find it draining. I know they’d be really hurt to know I feel that way and I would really hate dc to feel that way about me when they grow up. There are far worse things to be dealing with from parents too! autism might not be an ‘excuse’ but maybe it does warrant a more empathy and understanding from me, than if they were difficult in other ways?

OP, would it help to do things like let them know precise plans before you visit. Eg. 'Hi, I'd love to see you on Thursday. I'll come around 6pm and bring [something you know they'd love to eat.] I will need to leave at 8pm because [create a watertight reason] Can't wait to see you!

And it probably would be a good idea to practise explaining things clearly to them, if they affect you. But let them sort out their own issues with anyone else - avoid rescuing.

OP, things that I've found have helped in a similar situation are:

• using declarative language
• reading up on ND love languages, to help me to recognise affection

I also found therapy really useful to talk about the challenges and ways I inevitably missed out by having loving parents with additional needs.

You might also find this book has some ideas.

And yeah, I get it, it's a uniquelly hard situation. They deserve compassion, and you do too. Our lives all got better when I started to be firmer about accounting for my needs and boudnaries, and stopped 'filling in the gaps' for them socially.