Would you advise a 9 year old to be loyal or an old friend, or to play with whomever he wants?

[NewWin]

DS 9 has some friendship issues and I'm just wondering what other people would have said?

His best friend, P, is not very confident and clings to him a bit. He, P, is quite quirky and hasn't always gelled with the other boys. DS and P have been best friends since toddlerhood, P used to live next door and they've always got on really well.

Recently DS has started playing with another boy and P is feeling left out and upset. He doesn't play well with the other boys, lots of footie which he doesn't like. He wants to play their usual games with DS. I have encouraged DS to make a real effort to include P, or to find games that they all enjoy, but he's told me he's having fun playing with the others and doesn't want to always have to watch out for P anymore. I feel like this is understandable. I also want him to be a good and loyal pal, and we spoke about how this must feel for P. He feels bad, but wants to make new friends and wishes P would also make new friends. I feel bad for P, don't want him lonely or upset. I also know he can be tricky and don't want my son to feel responsible for his emotions or whether or not he enjoys school! But I want DS to be kind and considerate and to treat other how he would hope to be treated...

What would you say to your kid in this situation?

I mean loyal to an old friend. Why can't I edit my title??

Leave them to it. Aslong as there is no bullying going on, let nature take its course. Most friendships change at this age.

It is tricky but at 9 a lot of kids who have been friends ‘forever’ can start to drift as they start liking different things/ people. You have explained to ds that he should be considerate to P and it sounds like he is being but he’s old enough he needs to be allowed to choose who he plays with. Just help him do it in a nice way to minimise hurt to P.
could P still come over to play out of school maybe so they still spend time together if ds wants to?

It sounds to me like P may be holding your son back a bit? It's a tricky one as I completely understand not wanting to upset P, but your son appears to have grown apart from him and feel ready to branch out, so needs to put his own feelings first. I would encourage him to play with whoever he wants to, but still be kind to P. Hopefully it will serve as a push for P to find some more like-minded friends.

I was that kid who stayed friends with people I no longer particularly liked out of a sense of loyalty and looking back I wish I'd been more assertive and put myself first.

I know a pair of boys in almost exactly this situation and from what I’ve seen, you can’t force. You can make an effort though to keep play dates etc going with P.

That's straightforward and good advice I think. Thank you

Yes they seem to play better 1 on 1, as I think P gets a bit morose and sad when my DS branches out and plays with the other kids. I can see that he is sad, but he behaves in a way that just comes across as grumpy and miserable - lots of 'i don't wanna' play xyz. I can see that it's coming from anxiety and insecurity, but I think the other kids just think he's being a pain tbh

Argh, some good advice here, thanks. I'm going to raise it again with DS tomorrow and reiterate that as long as he is kind he is of course welcome to play with whomever he wants, and that it's good to have lots of different friends.

Lots of good advice here. I'd agree with it being better for DS at this age to make his own choices as long as there's no unkindness or bullying. I'd equip DS with the right language to explain that he wants to play different games sometimes with other friends etc. I'd also say that pushing the friendship between the two boys might actually have an opposite effect and DS may end up resenting or disliking the other boy if he feels forced to play with him.
Kids friendships are so hard to navigate sometimes!

I have a child who sounds a bit like P and I live fear of a breakdown of his primary friendship.

However, friendships do change, it is entirely natural and expected.

I would make sure that your soon is treating P kindly (big difference between “sorry P I really want to play football today” and “I don’t want to play with you, your games are stupid”.).

Encourage them seeing each other for play dates and 1-1 outside school, especially as it might help take the pressure off your son if he is feeling conflicted.

It could be worth chatting to the school about the changed dynamic, just so they can keep an eye on P - our school had lunchtime activities for some of the quieter kids that helped them buddy up with like minded children.

But other than that leave them be.

@FrazzledHippy they really are! I'm not a first time mum, but my eldest was generally the 'P' in these situations so I feel like I'm in new waters. Also aware I may be bringing some unhelpful baggage, so I'm glad of the opportunity to get advice here

@Bringinguptherear I was the same with my neurodivergent eldest, but he found his tribe and they stayed together.

I'm friendly with Ps mum, and I know she worries about his friendships and inclusion and suspects she would expect me to tell DS he must always include P in everything every time, but I can't do that

I think if playing football is a big part of it, that’s helpful - It makes it less personal, it’s just a practical thing if your DS wants to play football and P doesn’t want to. They can still be friends but outside of the playground football.

(And yes my DS is ND as is his BFF so I hope they will stick together but they really do depend on each other, and his BFF is practically extended family to us now!)