Feel so alone, down and a bit fed up

[Lemondropoppp]

I've felt a bit off for ages. Felt a bit groundhog day like I've been getting through and just not like a person.

I have a 3yo and 1yo. 3yo, i dont want to say is naughty but just has so many meltdowns over everything, doesn't listen at all flips his lid and I try choices negotiation etc nothing works i don't expect him to be army trained behaviour haha but I just thibk what am I doing where I feel like everyone just notices how much he has meltdowns
Youngest is super clingy. Wont gonto anyone else all he wants is mummy and I get it eldest was like this for a bit but to an extent. The break I get from my youngest is nursery it sounds horrible but he won't go to anyone else meaning I deal with everything and hes so fussy sometimes its so hard

Its took such a strain on my relationship. I prefer a less strict parenting style and DH instantly goes to telling off. And calls eldest naughty which I don't like. So we conflict a lot over that

Currently on holiday with dh family and I just feel like they don't like me. Feel like I dont fit in and I now feel so judged as they watch me juggle my eldest who is flipping out when I ask him not to do something like run away or throw things or climb on things and my youngest who cries if I'm not near him

I just feel so low? I cant describe it and im wracked with guilt as my kids are my everything theyre what I've always wanted. Im really struggling and feel so low I think mine and dh relationship being under strain doesn't help as it feels like me vs him

And everyone says how chilled their babies were are etc and it makes me feel like I've done something wrong

oh lovely don’t be so hard on yourself , parenting isn’t easy , I’ve been where you are , i have 3 children all close in age and they are all teens now but juggling 3 under 5 was tough. I never fit in to my exs family and still to this day I feel they’ve judged my choices but do you know what their opinion was and is irrelevant.
Your partner should be supporting you and sharing the load, have you thought about getting extra help with your 3yo? Early help etc , is he acting out or are they uncontrollable outbursts ? could it be sensory issues or over stimulation?
Having mum guilt is normal , we’ve all had and still get it.
Your human and your allowed to say it’s tough , keep your chin up!! You’ve got this Mumma!!

I'm sorry you are being judged and made to feel at fault for what are completely normal developmental stages of childhood: 3 year olds are rebelious (if they are healthy) and can't control their emotions yet, so they have meltdowns. And they have them with the person who is their safe haven: you. 1 year olds are in the separation anxiety stage, which if I remember correctly, happens roughly between 9 months and 18 months old. And they "cling" to you, again, because you are their source of comfort.
I know deep down you know all this, because you feel it and you are correctly attuned to your children (unlike your in laws, or anyone else, maybe including your dh sadly). But I also know you need these words because I completely understand how lonely and depressing it can feel. It will pass: your children are so little and they are in very challenging stages. You are a good mother, trying to give her best for them.
Assume everyone lies, either maliciously or unconsciously, when they "remember" how things were before. And keep being there for your children, how ever you find it's best. Sending you love 💐🤗

Thank you. He does get overstimulated a lot and hes slightly behind on speech so when I talk through a meltdown with him he can get confused and not really know what made him upset/overwhelmed to begin with

And its silly because essentially- DH family are my children's family but I worry they'll judge them and be like wow look at her kids always kicking off its her fault etc

I try to fit in but I feel like im making effort and people speak back to me but I just thibk do you just say things about me when im not there?

Its silly. I shouldn't care. I just want to fit in somewhere I am very lonely and again riddled with guilt as I was so social when I just had my eldest and now since mt 2nd I've withdrawn. Me and DH are very vs eachother situation we need to find a level ground for parenting but be a couple too we havent had sex in a while and dont get dates

I just want to come home now I feel so sad

I can promise you that not all of their babies were chilled, some people forgot what it was like.

Unless your DH family are horrible, they probably aren’t judging you, they’re probably sympathising when your child is having a meltdown. Often people don’t know whether to offer to help or not so that may feel like they’re judging when they are in the same room but saying nothing, but probably don’t know what to do.

Parenting styles can sometimes differentiate between couples, my DH was stricter than me. But actually sometimes being a little strict is needed (within reason of course). Children need to learn consequences of actions & whilst we love our children dearly, they can be bloody hard work, and actually not nice to be around sometimes.
I found the age of 3 way harder than the supposed ‘terrible twos’.
Three year olds don’t know how to express themselves and they get frustrated, as pp has said, they take that out on a trusted person - you. My eldest was very clingy, I swear when I breathed in they cried because there was more space between us. It’s a tough time.

Would your DH family babysit one evening when the kids are asleep for you 2 to go out for dinner, or even a walk and a quick drink?

Its had work being a Mum, remember we are all winging it, and even those parents who look so put together probably have forgotten to brush their teeth, and are wearing their jumper inside out under their coat.

Sending hugs OP, not easy this motherhood stuff but it does get easier xx