How to help child with emotional/behavioural challenges

[purpleme12]

My child is 11
There are certain things that, yes, are reminiscent of autism/ADHD but there are not enough areas of those that she ticks.
I am trying (trying being the operative word as I'm not an expert and learning as I go along) to incorporate things to help as if she did have special needs sometimes.
She says she can't help it when she gets in an emotional state.. inevitably it comes out as shitty attitude towards me. I'm inclined to believe she can't help it and is in distress and can't control herself. And she doesn't like how she is. But how do you help a child who has challenges?
Multiples times I listen to her say I hate my life. Which is when she gets in these states. Or when she hasn't got her way with something (and no that's not in a spoilt way she reacts not like she should)
I have now got her communication cards which actually she does like. Not that they stop the problem but she seems to like them so...
She wants a cuddle to bring her down from these states. I try to do that but half the time now I feel that doesn't even help
I'm constantly told I'm not helping/no one's helping.
Because I've not gone straight into giving a cuddle to calm her down because I'm not anticipating what she needs in that second or she's been rude so it wouldn't be something I automatically go to do at that moment.
Sometimes I feel like I have the patience of a saint. Other times it's so incredibly frustrating I don't think I'm dealing with it right but I'm at a loss cos I can't control her behaviour.
For reference yes I have referred to CAMHS but waiting for initial assessment.
Please can people share ideas of what helps you and their child if in this situation, if anything

11 is a tough age for a lot of kids. Hormones are kicking in and for some girls, starting their periods will be around the corner. Transition to high school is also looming and this change of routine is really scary for a lot of children. Throw in some potential neurodiversity and it’s not surprising that they may be really struggling with life. As their safe person you will bear the brunt of it for sure.
Firstly you are doing great. Getting referrals in for neurodiversity is a big undertaking so well done on getting that started. Our understanding of Autism and ADHD is growing all the time. You may be surprised that although she doesn’t tick all the boxes she is diagnosed anyway. I would try to find out how long the waiting list is for statutory assessment and if it is substantially long could you afford private assessment?
It’s also great that you are staying calm when she is distressed and modelling how to de-escalate situations. If it’s too late to calm things down with a cuddle sometimes a quick “oh love that sounds really hard, no wonder you are upset, you are dealing with so much right now” (even if you are silently screaming “why are you so upset over this tiny thing”) can often de-escalate things in my experience.
If that doesn’t work can you just give her space to let her calm down. Sometimes my DC can take up to an hour to calm down. When she is disregulated she’s not really listening anyway so that is not the time to try and reason with her or ask her to change anything. Those conversations have to wait for the right time.
if possible join some groups for parents of ND children, even the Facebook ones can be really helpful if you can’t get out to local groups. Sharing experiences with other parents will help you work out if there is some ND going on and what strategies will help you to keep her more regulated emotionally.

Just realised you are waiting for CAMHS assessment not ND assessment sorry. Could you ask school to help you make a referral to the local authority for ND assessment as well?
Also google Autism in girls and ADHD in girls and take a look at how it presents differently to boys and how it often reaches crisis point at the end of Primary School as the start of puberty and school transition intensify those feelings of anger or worthlessness.

Have you tried to taking a course, I took a behaviour that challenges course to help my little one and it really helped me support and get a better understanding, there is a lot of free government funded courses available around children and young people. Pop me a message if you would like a discussion

Sometimes we just need to be allowed to be emotional and work out the hurt and anger and it can take time - can you be more specific about why it is a problem.

sometime the person they direct it at is the person they trust the most which means they are also scared - reassurance