Teenage Relationships

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How involved do you/have you gotten in your teens relationships?

My 14 yo son had 2 best friends throughout most of primary school and into secondary, up until about a year.

We've had an awful couple of years, we had to leave our beloved home in our village which we had rented for 9 years, moved into my Grandmother's old flat in the city and commuted until she sold her flat, we were then homeless staying between hotels and my mums damp spare room sharing the bed and floor before I bought a house in the same county (because i was desperate and was all i could afford) that had many many issues. My youngest also received an ASD&ADHD diagnosis (although he is now doing very well). I wish my son could have had his friends around him during this time, but that hasn't happened.

My son tells me nothing major has happened, there has been no big fall out, but his friends started saying things about him to other boys, some of which would get back to my son. This has really affected him, they play the same sport and my son now wants to leave the team. It just seems to be a lot of whispering and exclusion, but no fights or arguments. My son doesn't want to ask them about it. He is quite quiet in lots of ways. I am watching his teenage years be spent at school and then he comes home and doesn't go back out. He is a great boy.

Is there anything I can do? The parents of the boys are acquaintances, they had a few sleepovers and we used to arrange lifts to their sports between us, but not friends. I wonder whay they think/know, but I'm worried they will of course speak to their son and it'll come back to bite.

I don't know what to do? My son was in my room until midnight, he couldn't sleep he said because he was thinking about these boys, apparently they had said a couple of things to other boys yesterday, asking other boys if they like my son and If they do, why. I just want to help, and I want to see him have fun.

Does he want to move school?

I think unfortunately this is life… I would tell him to cut contact with these horrible boys… concentrate on studying and making other friends. Move his extra curriculum activities to another sport and ask the school to switch him class.

i think you should also report this too the school… these bullies need it on their record.

Thanks @Guavafish1 for replying.

I don't think he will move schools, but this is something I have an open mind about.

I don't know if it's bullying, i suppose it has been going on for some time, i just hadnt thought of it like that? It's subtle, I don't know if it was more 'in your face' that it might be easier to stand up to, but this low level is confusing. He was still sitting next to one of the boys on the bus up until about 5 months ago, but he would just ignore my son like he wasn't there. I now take him to school.

My son doesn't really speak up, he's doesn't want to be treated differently. Him being in my room until midnight telling me he can't sleep because of them would have taken a lot.

I have now been awake since 4am (firstly to pee!) Because I'm worried.

What are they saying?

asking other boys if they like my son and If they do, why

not nice
but difficult to get involved with

@Thirdcoffagree, it does feel difficult to get involved with.

It's just more a chipping away, going behind his back and talking about him. My son has tried to make new friends and the boys now seem to be asking those new friends. Just subtle but consistent.

It is bullying. Have a look at the Childline website, that will reinforce for you and your son that bullying is wrong and he has done nothing wrong. Excluding is just as much bullying as anything else.

You are doing the right things: if you were not, your son wouldn’t trust you and talk to you. Please try to support him and not take his choices away-lots of children-lots of people-feel better for saying these things out loud and being heard. That may be more important than solving it at this stage.

Empower him to report it when and if he wants to do that (don’t force him) and just listen to him. You can suggest and give him options, you can really hear him, but try to help him choose what to do.

The Childline website is great. And their counsellors are also great. They aren’t a substitute for you but it’s amazing how a child can ignore a parent and listen to someone else!!

It’s bullying

Thank you @Theoscargoestothat's so helpful. Thank you @ChocolateGanachethat's validating, I honestly hadn't thought of it as bullying

My son is due to go abroad on a school trip next year and has been planting in my head there last month about not going but I really want him to go, it would be an amazing trip. He has already turned down a trip to Geneva which looks like a once in a lifetime school trip, because he hasn't got friends going. He has also been going to school less, a couple of times because he just needed a day at home and now I can see why. He previously had 100% attendance up to second year in HS.

I won't speak to him this morning, I'll wait until after school. Remind him he has options, that I will talk to anyone he needs? I think i need to talk to someone about it! I was thinking about messaging his coach, i don't know. This isn't about me, i maybe need to give it some space, not a knee jerk.

I shouldn't speak to their parents, should I?

I would move him to a different school so he can have a fresh start. He’s being bullied.

I don’t think you should speak to parents …

Definitely speak to the school with your concerns, it is most definitely bullying. Due to the fact they are whispering and being sneaky about it, it is going under the radar.

I wouldn’t speak to the parents , no good rarely comes from that.

No don’t talk to their parents. If they said they were sorry and would speak to their child, ask him to be nicer to yours, would the child do that? Would it help?

Speaking to school is an option but really, it’s better if your son does it with your support. Empower him if you can. In the meantime listen to him, explore options and make sure he knows you will support him even if he chooses to do nothing right now. Encourage him to keep a diary, then when he is ready he has evidence. Some children find writing it all down helpful. Help him find ways to cope with how he feels, to find distractions.

I hear how sad it is that this puts him off trips of a lifetime. That’s why stopping it would be good because he can be free to have these experiences. But maybe reflect that, ask him if that’s how he feels, let him digest that and come to his own conclusions?

Yes it’s bullying. First talk to your son and identify it as bullying together - this in itself might help him understand what’s going on and validate his feelings of hurt. A good idea to look at resources online as pp suggested. Then decide together what to do - just knowing you have his back will help. If he decides he wants to report it you can write to the school detailing exactly what’s going on and the effect it is having on your son. With bullying the victim’s instinct is always to let it go in the hope it will stop/fear it will get worse. But these boys should be shamed for their behaviour, especially as your son has had such a tough time recently and they basically turned against him, even trying to turn others against him, instead of being decent friends. 14 is old enough to know better - they sound horrible and need to be told their behaviour is unacceptable. The school (not you) should report it to their parents. But it is scary to stand up to bullies so make sure you talk to your son about it first, make the decision together, and also try to get an idea if the school is any good at dealing with bullying before you report it.