I don’t know if I’ve fucked up or my son is spoiled or what

[yoursweetpotatoesarebland]

I’ve got three kids and am a single mum. They have very recently (as in last month) started doing 50/50 with their dad who is a shit.

it’s my sons 13th birthday next weekend, we’re going to Glastonbury Festival and he wanted a celebration not at the festival so he had friends for an (expensive) day out on Saturday. on Sunday i did have to go out in the morning to collect his older sister and a couple of last minute bits for him. But I decorated the house, baked him a giant cookie, bought balloons and presents and we had family over for a little party and a bbq. He played on the computer with friends for a bit but just as he came off a friend called me with a couple of important questions and at the same time ds wanted to do candles and cake etc. I wasn’t on the phone long - literally 5-10 mins and ds started crying and getting angry. His gps were prepping food and things so it’s not like he was alone. I then came off the phone (it really was like 10 mins it wasn’t chit chat it was just arranging something) and ds was distraught - I didn’t care about him or his birthday and Glastonbury is much more important etc. he stormed off upstairs. I went up to see him and said I felt that was a bit unfair I have been available for him almost all day, and the previous day was his birthday trip! He came down a bit later and was slightly cheerier and went to bed happy.

I feel awful and also so hurt. I really tried to make it a nice day for him and I feel like I still got it wrong. We went to Glastonbury last year and he really enjoyed it though felt we didn’t pay enough attention to his birthday hence celebrating it the weekend before this time. All the kids were involved in deciding to buy tickets again this year and he said he wanted to. I’ve arranged a cake and a couple of small presents on the actual day too but obv he isn’t the centre of attention per se.

I don’t know what I even want from this thread. Is this normal for a 13 year old to react in this way? I can’t work out if i totally messed up and made him feel unimportant or if there’s a deeper emotional issue here.

I think he just got overwhelmed by it all. Hormones are a factor at his age.

It does sound as though you spoil him a little bit.

Maybe start to scale things back a little each year.

Yeah ignore it. He’s had a bit of a moment, no big deal for a teen

Hormones
Disrupted routine
Needs to know you love him unconditionally

The fact that he was crying, as well as angry, means it’s not about being spoiled. Boys are taught to turn every emotion into anger, especially if they have a shit for a father.

You’re thinking it’s about cake or candles or money on treats. I don’t think it is. I think it might be about feeling ignored or less important. Distraught sounds like he really needed you at that moment, emotionally. I’d help him with naming his emotions, talking about them at quiet times (in the car or when cooking are both good) and working on the bond. You sound like a great mum, he’s 13 with a crap dad so you just have to work harder at it than most people!

Sounds like he was overwhelmed and sometimes they get a bit hyped up if they have been playing games, the day sounded busy so he was probably overstimulated , he is also a teenager and they never overreact do they 😀 I'd put it down to angst and hopefully you can enjoy your Glastonbury weekend .

Oh my goodness I’m AWFUL on my birthday. I hate fuss but equally if people don’t do anything I get really sad.

I wait for all the messages to come in and if anyone forgets I focus on that rather than all the lovely messages and the fact that my friends are great about other things.

im so un-diva ish but my birthday just gets me.

Yes he sounds spoiled and mardy imo.

Being a 13 year old boy is hideous, I just remember feeling so little control of my emotions. I'd get massively upset over stupid little stuff and the logical part of my brain would be going "Why are you crying about this, you're being fucking ridiculous."

Is he like this often @yoursweetpotatoesarebland ? If not, cut him some slack, it sounds like he's just gotten a bit overwhelmed.

He's just started 50/50 with his dad, this is a huge life change. You must be able to see this would have a major emotional impact. It's surely about that and the feelings around seeing you much less than it is about birthday treats. He's becoming a young adult and little things like cake and balloons start to matter less than the big feelings.

What are the circumstances around this change, is it something he wants? It should be his choice at his age.

Thanks for the kind responses. I was feeling really sad about it so just wanted to talk it through with some impartial people!

@MrsTerryPratchett i wondered just this if it was a sign of feeling ignored or unimportant more widely or a deeper emotional issue. I just don’t know how to handle it or what to do. He feels things incredibly deeply which is great on the one hand but can be exhausting to parent through. I also can’t understate what an emotionally manipulative shit his dad is.

I really do try, make time for 1-1 chats, talk things through with him etc but I don’t always feel like I’m getting through or having an impact. It’s horrible to think your child feels unimportant when it’s anything but.

You said you don’t know how to handle it, then described exactly how to handle it!

Little chats and opportunities to bond aren’t meant to work every time, perfectly. They’re meant to create an environment of trust and love so that if and when he wants to share, he can.

You’re doing a great job!

Yes it’s started as a result of a request by him. He says he is happy with it and he wants to continue even though it does make things harder in other ways.

my personal view is that he does it to appease his dad so his dad doesn’t feel like he loves him less (of course I’d never share this view). But I do feel he is overly concerned with how his dad feels in general. I’m not sure there’s anything I can do about it though - he openly says he wants 50/50 so all I can do is support that and talk through his feelings about things that come up.

Maybe he wants to feel you'd fight for him? I'd be telling him that you respect his decision and want him to be happy but you miss him when he's at his dad's (and tell him some of the things about him you miss), and he's always welcome to change his mind, that sort of thing, if you haven't already. Even if it is what he wants it's a big adjustment for a young person practically as well as emotionally.

I haven’t said that kind of thing @Honon because I don’t want him to feel guilty or torn between us - just to find the decision that’s right for him. Do you think he feels like I’m unbothered? it’s such a hard line to tread tbh - I never feel like I’m doing the right thing 😔

I’ve said he’s always welcome to change his mind and I’ll support him whatever.

If Glastonbury has been at the forefront of conversation and his birthday was moved forward I can see how a teenager might think that that is more important, fwiw I don't think you did anything wrong and his birthday sounds great, but they don't think like adults.

This is me!

I don't think you've done anything wrong OP but teenage brains aren't rational, especially with such a big change recently, birthday overwhelm and just off a screen. I think we have to let quite a bit go with young teens if we're all to stay sane!! There's a good podcast called the calm parent and he says we all need to 'Chill the fuck out' with teens. I remind myself of this I my head and it helps to keep things a bit lighter!! We're not aiming for perfection here. Relationship above all else and boundaries NB of course. Best of luck!

Ont he one hand, I think most children and teens are narcissists, who have to grow out of that. which means NOTHING is ever good enough, they are perpetual victims etc etc. So you have to just keep showing and telilng them what's appropriate and how to be "sensible."

On the other hand, one of the WORST times to take a call is when you're about to do cake (about to open presents woould be another very bad time). Surely you can see that? I don't hink you need to be available constantly and the overall day sounds absolutely fine, but when everyone is gathering for the cake, sorting it out, getting ready to sing.... taking a call really does scream, "this isn't that important."

We weren’t just about to do the cake - ds was just getting off the computer when I took the call. He then decided that minute (as in I’d already taken the call / immediately after he had stopped playing on the pc) that he wanted to do his cake - I didn’t just up and leave when everyone was already gathered!

Awwww teenage hormones are shit!

Shit for the grumpy tearful teens.

Shit for the parents at the receiving end of them.

My ds went through a stage at 14 where my daring to breathe was a crime 😂 He was the most passive laid back child before those 6 months and became that person again.

Never underestimate the impact of hormones for the first year or two after puberty.

In DS case it sounds like hormones, a bit of being overwhelmed and the change in routine. His dad sounds like a shit if only due to the DS is worrying about his dad being envious of your relationship with DS. A 13 year old should not have to worry about that.

Keep hugging him, tell him you love him and where something is actually wrong tell him why you want it to be different. You are allowed to have feelings too but it helps if you can explain them in teen speak. Ask him to have a think about what he would enjoy next year - maybe something “in between”.

Oh also, find “Kevin turns into a teenager” on YouTube. Its a caricature but horribly recognisable.

On the plus side you can also find “Kevin turns into an adult” as he exits the thorny teen years 😀

Hrft but I wonder if he perhaps wanted Dad (even though he's s---) to be there. Such a tricky age in young men.
I think as others said, probably overwhelmed and missing Dad. Absolutely no reflection on you, you sound like a fab parent.

Where does he sit in the pecking order? My gut says he is the middle.

But, what he’s telling you is he feels neglected, emotionally. His birthday is just a symptom, but he’s feeling like he isn’t important enough. Just have a chat with him about what’s going on. Don’t see it as him being spoiled or not, or defending yourself as a parent, just ask him why he feels as he does.