WWYD? Teen DS and host's other guests....

[limescale]

Family often host informal BBQ. DS (16) enjoys this - he's helped with the BBQ since he was a young boy.
In recent years host will often invite his neighbours. They are nice enough, but it entirely changes the dynamic. It's one thing as a teenager to spend time with older generations within the family, but it's different when there's other much older people who are close friends with the host, but don't know DS (or me) very well.
Obviously it's up to the host who he invites, but DS would rather not go if he's going to spend a lot of time feeling like a bit of a bystander.

If I ask who's going to be there and then say DS can't go after all, I'd be lying.
Might be OK to do that once but not repeatedly.
It would be very rude to say "DS doesn't enjoy Bert and Beryl's company, so he won't come".

Host also has some other friends who DS knows well and enjoys spending time with - they include DS in conversation, so it's not like DS doesn't want to spend time with 'the oldies'.

WWYD?

I would say he has plans with his mates, why drag him along if he won't enjoy it? Same for you.

I already said we are free. It's the Birthday of his late wife who died last year.
We are fond of him.

I would be honest - you can put it nicely. Just say that your son really likes going to the bbq but when Bert and Beryl are there he doesn't find it so enjoyable. You don;t have to say he hates them!

Be positive - son loves the bbq. But if B and B are there he would rather wait for the next one.

If the host doesn't know, he can't make his own mind up as to what he wants to do and it seems sad that he and your son may miss out repeatedly due to a non-communication.

Thanks. That was useful. Been out with a (different!) older family member today but I’ll have a think about this.

How far away is it? Can he get home from it independently?

I would accept, but say ‘Ds can only pop in as he is meeting friends’ . If the neighbours etc are there, he spends a little time with relative, then leaves.

If it’s just family he can stay, and just say he’ll met friends later.

Is there a reason he feels uncomfortable with these people?

I tell my kids it’s fine to say their mate has texted and invited them to x,y,z if they want to leave after a while

It's not far, but we live rurally and it's in a place where he has no friend (we live nearer to a different town where he goes to school), so that wouldn't really work.

Does it matter? I've said they're nice enough people, but it changes the feel of the evening.

As I said to a PP, that doesn't really work.

I would wait until nearer the time and then call the host to say that you're still coming and looking forward to it, but that your DS is sending his apologies as he has a footy match/friend's birthday/insert excuse of choice. 16 year olds have social lives, no adult should mind their plans altering and should understand this is preferable to a day spent with oldies.

We all have people in a large group that we don’t get on with as much as others. If he enjoys the company of the other people there, I’m not really understanding the problem. It’s just life!

The thing is we don't know if Bert and Beryl are coming. Often we arrive and he'll say "Oh, Bert and Beryl are coming too". So, I'd need to ask beforehand. It's a bit awkward.

It's more that if it's say group A it's all fine. He gets on with everyone and feels included and it's good fun.
If it's group B (A plus B & B) the conversation changes in a way that excludes DS. Of course me and DS can chat away on our side of the table, and it's not like DS is utterly miserable or anything but he'd just rather stay home.

So I messaged host and asked if couple we get on very well with would be joining. He says they aren't, but John and June are. We've met them and they are good company. Beryl and Bert live just next door so their attendance can be spontaneous. We shall see. It's not a huge deal. DS gets a steak so that always helps!

This one is an important anniversary so DS will go either way, but if B & B are there we will think how to handle things for future time.