everyone thinks I'm annoying.

[MyAmberHare]

Just looking for outside perspective rly. I'm 24, diagnosed Audhd and everyone thinks I'm annoying. At least that's my perception, I don't know how true or not it is. Think it could possibly stem from general paranoia, over vigilance, and too much self awareness as I've grown older.

Not looking for pity or anything. I'm just so confused as to how I deal w this. I have come to accept that, even if true and ok, ppl think I'm annoying, that's fine. But it makes me not want to leave the house, to even have a "normal" life like walking my dog, doing hobbies/activities. Because unfortunately for me everyday interaction is a general part of life. Even holding down a job is extremely difficult because I'm constantly in my head and having panic attacks about what people think about me.

Just not sure what to do. Just general interaction like makes me feel so defeated and deflated afterwards. I know I'm overly analytical, which prob stems from "mean girls" I used to be friends online w. Well, I thought they were my friends LOL. 😆😭 Either I've been extremely, extremely unlucky with some of the messed up ppl I've associated with over the years, or I'm annoying. Possibly both.

Even catch my family sometimes. I guess I make weird faces or noises sometimes, and they put me down, will be like where did that come from? Wtf is that face you're making? What a weird noise. Makes me feel like even my family hates me. Idk if they mean to do it, but it makes me feel soooo little and inferior. Just leave me alone. We'll be having an ok convo and they'll come out w remarks like this. Makes me feel like an alien and not worthy of anyone's company.

Id be fine if I was just left tf alone to get on w my life. But I'll ruminate for hours and hours after I talk to people, picking up if I said anything wrong, what they thought of me, could I have done anything better. As I'm getting older and I think a lifetime of autism has just stacked up and it's getting too much.

Any advice?

I should add, because of these experiences, I have a tendency now to keep myself to myself and just avoid people as much as possible. But then people will be like, why are you so moody and grumpy. Why is your face like a slapped arse. So then I have to put on a constant front of pretending to be smiley, sociable, because it makes me feel bad.

But then im basically not being myself. And I find this opens me up for further ridicule.

At 24 you’re not the finished article yet.

1)Do you like reading?
Start with ‘The Courage to be Disliked’.

2. Have you tried meditation? Download ‘Balance’ for free and start with the intro course to help calm your mind.

3. Exercise - go for a jog/ brisk walk now (too early for most people).

4. Today - focus on small acts of kindness. When you see someone you’ll probably be thinking they must be finding me annoying. I want you to try and go to ‘Never mind, is there something small that I can do for this person today that they will appreciate? May be, a genuine compliment, asking about something that worries them, offering some small help.’
   This is not for them to start liking you. There’s a strong science suggesting small acts of kindness are good for your own wellbeing and peace.

5. And gratefulness - again, science says it’s great for your wellbeing. Write down something you’re grateful for right now. Your phone? Bright sky? Soft blanket? Hands typing fast?

Keep reaching out on here to people.

Kindness and gratefulness sounds sexist as hell. Men don't get told this stuff.

Op, I would just find someone to help you guage it, someone who is brutally honest. "Was that annoying or is that just me thinking it?"

If it is annoying then I guess that's another issue! But my guess is no one else thinks it is.

Hi, thank you for your responses.

I guess I just wonder how I proceed in a world where I feel universally disliked. It's like a lose lose for me.

@Optimustime I've done this , embarrassingly, and I am always reassured that I'm being ridiculous. Then asking in itself makes me feel like I'm being annoying LOL. It's like I need constant reassurance and even when I'm given that reassurance, it doesn't bode well for me cos I feel like I must come across as so insecure and annoying to even ask such a thing. I can't be constantly reassured and the reassurance in itself, I will put down to them just being nice/lying so as to not hurt my feelings

Small acts of kindness and practicing gratefulness are proven scientifically to help your wellbeing. Everybody reading wellbeing/ personal development/ psychological books (men and women) get ‘told’ that.

This doesn’t mean not having boundaries. It’s actually the opposite, and very ‘selfish’, as it helps the person practicing those things.
@Optimustime

I wonder if the studies have looked at moderations with audhd and sex. You'd have thought there would be some interesting 3 way interactions going on there. I'd love to see the papers.

You need to accept who you are, quirks and all. Masking and being conscious of ‘being annoying’ is going to make your interactions annoying as you’re not engaging as you’re too busy worrying.

You sound a lot nicer than your family and 'friends' do.
Lots of people have little quirks, it doesn't make them annoying. It makes them human.
I'd be friends with you, I like the sound of you.

I have a dd with adhd who’s a similar age to you, i know she sometimes feels the same way. What’s helped her is that she has made it clear that if she’s irritating us she wants to be told and we’ve reassured her that we will do so, the truth is she’s no more annoying to us then any family member can be. The other thing that works well is that the majority of her friends are also neurodivergent and they all feel safe to be themselves when they’re together.

everyone is annoying at times, you are probably no more so it’s the hyper vigilance that’s making you feel that way.

This.

Family should build you up, but yours have knocked you down.

You're 24. As PP said, still cooking.

I've found life has got better and better and my confidence in myself has grown with each year. (I'm 53.)

Something that has kept me sane over the years (I had a tendency to over analyse and ruminate on interactions): the brutal truth is very few people are thinking about you, and certainly not in the way you think they are. They are very very caught up in their own stuff, so even if someone is "off" with you it is most likely that even that is not about you, it's about what is going on in their head.

If you can let go of caring how others are percieving you and just get on with being you -- ideally with a curious and friendly outlook on the world (again, a pp suggestion of being kind / doing a tiny thoughtful thing for other people) then it will be much better.

Hang in there. And yes, do some exercise EVERY DAY. It helps regulate the rumination.

I can relate!

While it probably is all in your head, strangers on the internet telling you that is not going to help.

I am also Audhd and find I either feel extremely akward and fake around people, or super comfortable. Usually the people I really click with are also neurodiverse. I have accepted my friendship base is naturally smaller than other peoples, and it’s ok to not socialise with people I feel self conscious around. I’m polite, I wave or say hi on the school run, but I keep my distance. It’s not their fault or mine. It is what it is.

if you family is making you feel shit then you need to have space from them. Do you still live with them? Disengage and find your tribe. There are wierdos out there waiting for you 😂

@optimustimeI tried to give very practical advice, naming books and actions Op can take to focus on her internal peace (overused phrase- sorry) and self acceptance rather than seek external reassurance.
I do hope it’s helpful for her.

I appreciate you’re coming from an angle where ‘bekind’ movement has gone too far, girls with AuDHD are not receiving adequate treatment… I quite like women like you who bring light to this.

Again, wrting down what she’s grateful for today is only for her; no boundaries crossed. It sounds inconsequential but makes you feel better.
The book is a wonderful, philosophical read for anybody.
Small ‘acts of kindness’ and the studies on it have been mentioned in many books I’ve read over the years and their direct benefit is for the person engaging in them.
Paying a genuine compliment to somebody today will make op feel good. It will not make her feel used or like she is sacrificing herself for the feeling of others.

I found my twenties really hard. I became much more comfortable in my own skin in my thirties.
I think it’s quite normal to feel a bit lost in the first half of your twenties.
(Fellow ASD person)

The ruminating must be exhausting. Have you ever had any therapy? Cognitive behavioural therapy could help you to try and overcome those thought patterns when you get stuck. It will just be important to try and find a therapist who understands you may need some adaptions to the way they practice with you.

My teenager feels like this too (asd) but I think it’s partly due to her dad not understanding her and telling her she was annoying as a young child. If your told something enough you believe it. I think if you can find your people who build you up not down you will feel better. Have you tried therapy this could help with understanding social cues and confidence but look for a therapist experienced and trained with your needs.

I could have written your post about myself OP. I identify with so much of what you experience.

Especially the nightmare ruminating after almost every social interaction. I used to infuriate my H and my son with my constant " did I make a fool of myself" question . I used to use alcohol to deaden the thoughts. These days I take a propranolol to help quiet my mind if im too distressed.

I didn't get my autism diagnosis until very late in life. It took away some of my guilt for how I am - that I'm biologically programmed to be a social misfit. But it has also depressed me because its made me feel powerless to change myself. So I know what you mean about the daunting prospect of a life time of being autistic. It makes every day of life a real struggle.

Years ago I had CBT therapy with a really helpful woman. The question she asked me was " Does it really matter what people think of you? Is their opinion important ? " And this is what I'm trying to work on: that the reality is there are very few people in the world that I respect. So why should I be bothered about the opinion of other people who I don't respect ?

Sending you good wishes OP.

Have you checked out rejection sensitive dysphoria and perseverant ‘looped’ thinking, OP? My H struggles with these a lot, and they make him feel ‘different’ as an autistic person.

Yet I believe you that people have been unkind in the past. I think PPs are right it’s about trying not to take communication differences as seriously (as rumination is v bad for mental health) but trying to build a set of practices that help you to grant yourself validation.

You've had some good advice here @MyAmberHare.

As you get older, you care less and less about what other people think about you. It happens naturally but I often think it's a pity we have to get older to feel that way. Why should you have to twist and contort yourself to try to fit in with what other people want and worry about every interaction and whether you handled it appropriately or not?

Just be you. Do the best you can and try not to think too much about it afterwards. Occasionally, you'll find someone that you can trust to give you objective feedback about the way you come across but, unless you're hearing it from one of those trusted people, try not to pay them too much attention if you can manage it.

Wishing you all the best. You sound great to me!

Rejection sensitivity disorder is something you should definitely look into as suggested by previous poster .

I'm on the waiting list for ASD and ADHD assessment and when I read about rsd it made a lot of things clock into place.

I'm so sensitive to any kind of criticism, even one I perceived rather than a direct direct criticism. Family have always been "just forget about it" and "it's not a big deal" but things are a huge deal to me.

Just this week I was telling my husband the reason I do something in a weird way is because of a random comment he made to me years ago. He doesn't even remember it but I play it round in my head a lot.

One thing that helps me is thinking about the evidence I have for a thought. So if it's about someone not liking me I think if I have any evidence and go from there. Then I ask if it really matters that they didn't like something I did or whatever.