Covid Anxiety in Friend?

[marshmallowfinder]

I have a friend who is petrified to be around other people because he is still very scared about catching Covid. I just cannot get through to him. He constantly justifies his behaviour and it is at the point where I am going to have to distance myself because it's impossible for us to do things we used to enjoy, or have any normal life together.

Does he have a point though? Are we all being too casual about the dangers? My reality has sadly become skewed by all this. Does anyone else still feel like this? Thanks in advance!

It makes no sense to me that we mostly do nothing at ALL to prevent it now. It's a nasty disease with dangerous long term effects for some people, so it's rational to want to make it less likely we'll get it badly or for kids to get it badly. There are some really easy ways to do that that are miles away from the original restrictions.

Basically, if opening windows, say, means we get it less often and anyone who does get it gets it more mildly, then tbh that seems like a no brainer. Is that the sort of thing your friend wants, or is it that he's not happy seeing people at all, even completely outside?

I think we have to get on with life, we saw the impacts on mental health, schools and the economy for example. However I had hoped covid would have had the legacy of people not being such dirty oiks. So many people don't wash their hands again nowadays or use a tissue its just grim.

DH is extremely clinically vulnerable, we just ensure we hand wash. If he has symptoms then he tests as if it's positive he'll get the antivirals.

Can you advise him to seek therapy? Still being terrified of COVID in 2025 is ridiculous, unless you're immunocompromised or around those who are, there's no reason to worry. COVID rates have plummeted and although there are still hospitalisations, it's mainly in the elderly or those with existing conditions.

It's air quality that is best to focus on really. You can breathe in an awful lot of covid in an poorly ventilated room even if your hands are clean.

Totally agree about getting on with life but I'd say that can go along with taking some everyday precautions like opening windows.

At this point its just as dangerous as flu or a cold. So not a problem for most healthy adults but still a worry if you have health issues or are elderly/v young.

I mean we dont isolate ourselves because of flu so you just need to take sensible precautions like handwashing and avoiding someone who is sick, esp if you are a high risk person.

Thanks so much for replying. He doesn't want to go anywhere where people will be, in general. He will talk to people outside but it's fraught with tension. If they slightly cough or mention they're just back from holiday for example, he'll be at pains to get away from them. He is scared to touch surfaces, door handles etc without sanitising immediately. He gets very annoyed if I touch my face for example, without sanitising first. He's watching everything I do and say and it's so awful.

It sounds like perhaps he wants complete certainty that he'll avoid covid. That might be because of things he believes about what covid is like, or perhaps he sees himself as at a much higher risk than average? Or perhaps he logically thinks some caution is still sensible, but on top of that has something like OCD making him chase 100% certainty in everything he does?

It might be a bit like how we all generally lock our front doors as a precaution when we go out, but someone with OCD needs to check their door 50 times before leaving and never feel certain enough that it's locked. It's still rational and logical to lock the door in the first place - that's not the problem - it's the checking after that.

In the same way you might be best not trying to persuade him that covid is a non-issue (because it's not completely a non-issue, and it's not irrational to think that), but suggesting some boundaries. How and when you touch your own face should really be up to you, for instance.

Perhaps you could say you're happy to meet outside but once you're doing that, you don't want to feel like you're focused on the covid risks in every tiny action anyone takes, and could he consider that the huge reduction in risk by being outside is enough?

You could also point out to him that when you're not with him you touch your face all the time, and he can't control that, so controlling that when he's with you doesn't really make that much difference, and in fact does more harm than good by making you stressed.

Ridiculous. Has he looked around and seen the amount of people living life normally and not dying. Where’s the sense

My in laws are like that. Still wearing masks everywhere and avoiding social gatherings. They also use it as an excuse to get out of spending time with their grandkids. I learned to live with their quirks and not to rely on them for childcare. We don’t see them as much, but that’s their loss.

But I do agree that we got over the sanitising habits of covid way too quickly. No one washes their hands, everywhere is super dirty, no proper cleaning, no wipes, antibacterial gels no where to be found in shops… I wish people had stayed a little more hygienic.

Gosh that must be so stressful! I started a job as a home carer just as covid hit in March 2020 and some people didn't want to go near me. I have never had covid though I looked after many who did, and whose families didn't want to go near them in case they caught it. I now work in a warehouse and a couple of people still wear masks.

That is sad. He seems brainwashed and there is nothing you can do about it. In fairness the government ran a campaign to ‘frighten the panrs’ out of people and it worked. Some people are still stuck in that mindset. I would just avoid him at this point.

As someone who's MIL has just died of covid complications after being a heathly active 62 year old I fully understand his worries

He needs psychiatric help.

This is not anyway near normal. I don’t know anyone in RL that gives Covid a second thought nowadays. He must be miserable, living with this anxiety.

Has your friend been vaccinated recently? If he is immunocompromised he should be eligible for NHS jabs, but if not you can get private Covid jabs quite easily nowadays. Other than that, I think your friend needs psychological help. What is he trying to avoid in his life?

It is hard for some people to get past.

Mum died of covid in 2020. MIL would probably die if she caught it - or ANY respiratory infection. (She is bedbound in a nursing home).
I volunteer in a charity shop at the moment and the number of people who lick their fingers to separate their money REALLY winds me up. I wear gloves on the till now, so am probably an "over-reacter", "bloody mad", "idiotic"... all of which I've been called to my face.
Hey ho...

all you can do is offer support and ask what they need in order to feel safe.

As desperately sad as this is she could have been the victim of any number of other diseases or infections.
A deep fear of one specific, not particularly dangerous, illness is not rational.

As someone who suffers from emetophobia, it’s NEVER ok to have this level of fear over a virus.

When covid kicked off, I’d just got out of therapy and then the government were basically telling me that everything I’d learned was a load of rubbish and I was meant to be living in fear. It’s NOT true.

Take basic hygiene precautions as you always would and carry on life as normal. Fearing a virus completely ruins your life.

My SIL found the covid time very hard. My brother admits that she will likely never get over it. She works in an admin office and isn't allowed to work from home so she wears a mask and headphones all week in the hope that people will just stay away from her. She doesn't like doing things at the weekend with family because "I have to spend all week with people with germs. I don't want to to do it at the weekends as well". He isn't allowed to see us on his own because he will catch things and pass them on to her. The presence of grandchildren who are with me all day Monday ( which bug will we catch this week) and at nursery for 2 days has added another layer of panic to the situation. They are 3 and 16 months and she won't go near them .My brother spends every event constantly next to her and saying " Are you okay are you okay? ". Not very helpful.We used to be invited to dinner. Now she will have our mother ( on a huge table) but any other guests are too much. If she's ill then it's total panic and shut down. If my brother has any plans they are immediately cancelled because he is now staying home in case she needs to go to hospital ( for a cold).He has managed to get her to agree to go out once a month to eat but I don't think it's a particularly relaxing event. They are in a cottage in the Lakes this week . She will have bleached everything on arrival. Every cup and plate and spoon they used will have been thoroughly washed first.She won't get therapy.

It sounds like this is health anxiety that has latched onto Covid. He really needs to seek help for it or it’ll never end. Does he work from home or is he like this at work too? I couldn’t be around it personally as it would stress me out and restrict what we could do together.
Have you spoken to him about it? I see Covid in the same way as general flu - I don’t want it and will avoid someone who has it but it’s not likely to be super dangerous unless I was already vulnerable healthwise

I still wear masks on public transport. It's impossible to take precautions generally, because so few other people do. I have asthma so I would realy rather not catch it: has your friend got underlying health conditions? I know some people who still live in isolation because catching it might kill them.

I think there are a couple things to untangle here.

You ask if he has a point? Yes, he absolutely does despite some of the other assertions here covid it nbd. It's not just about how serious the illness is acutely, but how dangerous it can be in the long-term, even if all you have is a sniffle and there is also your risk of catching it. It is as contagious as measles and there is no vaccine that prevents transmission, most people are catching it at least every 1-3 years if not more frequently and the spread is pretty uncontrolled as people are not staying home when sick and the appropriate public health measures aren't in place - PPE, testing, ventilation etc. School absence rates are up from 2020 as are disability rates from covid in adults and children. Long covid is now the no 1 chronic illness in children in the USA.

The reason most countries discount it now is for political and economic expediency, not due to the science. You can argue with me all you like, but is a mountain of research to back this up. The risk of becoming disabled by it increases with each infection - I should know, I was young, had minor acute symptoms in 2020 and it propelled me into disability which I'm still trying to recover from 5 years later, this has been derailed by catching covid 4 times since even though I do very little and try to avoid illness.

We tried to eradicate polio, we quarantine people for TB, encourage people to stay home with measles and banned smoking in indoor places - why should our approach to covid any different?

With regards to your relationship with your friend, I would urge some compassion without verging into the judgemental side. You don't understand why he does what he does but for example, his risk analysis of staying away from people after holidaying is spot on, it does heighten the risk so it makes sense if he's trying to lower it. Whether he needs professional help, that's not really for any of us to decide - there is a line between things like GAD, OCD and genuinely evaluating risk. Are you able to meet him where he's at? E.g. would he/you be willing to do only outdoors activities, would you test before seeing him etc?

Think about how dissonant he must feel, he understands the risks and he has a friend who is upset he won't just forget about it and be 'normal' again. The world has mostly moved on, but people are still dying, becoming disabled at alarming rates, he probably feels very lonely. If he is rude/stressy about interacting with you in person and online to the point where it's really impossible to do anything/have an enjoyable time together maybe this is a friendship that has run it's course. I don't think he should be telling you how/when to touch your face so perhaps outlining a boundary there would be useful and explaining how the comments about you while you're with him make you feel.

Either way, I would suggest your friendship is going to look different and the choice is either - trying to work with what he's comfortable, with as much curiosity and compassion as you can or grieve the friendship and let it go.

Has your friend ever caught Covid? I was very similar to him, I watched it nearly kill a close relative, he was on a ventilator for weeks and twice we were told he was probably about to die. He was early 40s and no pre existing conditions. This was before vaccines. After going through that, I was seriously terrified of it. The thing that stopped that terror was me finally catching it in 2023! I was petrified when the test was positive but I got over it really quickly - I’ve had worse colds TBH. I’m fairly relaxed about it all now, I just take the same sensible hygiene precautions I would for anything else. So unless he has specific vulnerabilities, catching it might be the best thing for him!

Thank you so much everyone for replying. I really appreciate all your thoughts. He is a gardener so works outside and has caught covid once before. He got over it fairly quickly but has palpitations now which he thinks is due either to covid or to the vaccine. He also believes the vaccinations cause cancer. I have been as accommodating and understanding as I possibly can, but it's gone on for so long now that I actually have hit a bit of a wall with it recently and can't tolerate much more, hence my post! Oh dear, so hard to know what to do for the best.

Has it not dawned on him that his palpitations are most likely due to his extreme health anxiety and being in a constant state of panic?

You friend is right to be concerned about COVID, even mild infections can have long term impact on health. I don't think this is anxiety, same as wearing a seatbelt in the car isn't due to anxiety about car crashes. It's sensible.
They are right to want to avoid people who have just come back from holiday, didn't wear a mask on the plane and haven't done a test before mixing with others. Over half of covid spread is from people without symptoms.
I don't think they should be policing how much you touch your face though.
If you want to maintain the friendship, see what steps you could take to help keep your meetings COVID safer. Could you offer to do a test before meeting them, offer to meet outdoors, offer to wear a mask (needs to be FFP2 or better). Or catch up on zoom or on the phone instead?
Could you wear a mask sometimes (eg in health settings, on public transport, on the supermarket?)
I still take precautions against covid and likely will long term now. I would love to have a covid conscious friend.