I feel invisible on the family WhatsApp group

[user1498047971]

I would please like some thoughts from you wise mumsnetters on a (minor) issue which I am finding increasingly upsetting and hope that your views will put things into perspective - hopefully it will help me to be more rational.

Let’s call my husband John. He is from a big (7 siblings) family. We are on a family WhatsApp group - which is my husband’s siblings, plus a wife of one of the siblings and me. Not all the husbands are on the group. Increasingly I feel irrelevant on the group as the siblings will say things like ‘When are we coming to John’s house?’ Or if on holiday, ‘When are you coming home John? This has happened a number of times over the last few years. They never say both our names and it rankles as when they come to our house, I do the majority of the food and organising etc. I have always made a note of birthdays and buy all the birthday cards, stamps etc. we have all known each other a very long time. They make a point of wishing each other happy birthday on the group but always forget my birthday!

The other in law on the group is usually included by name with her husband when the others are asking them something.

I do post on the group from time to time but rarely get a response. I am sure this is not deliberate but just thoughtlessness on their part. I am not a sibling so not of interest. My husband sees this and in his replies includes both of our names. He has also mentioned it to one of the siblings saying we both live in the same house why do you keep missing her out? They seemed surprised when he said, so I don’t think it occurs to them. We live about four hours drive away but the other siblings are nearer to each other. Whether it’s that? Or perhaps they just don’t like me?

It’s just happened again and I don’t know it feels like the thin end of the wedge and I felt irrationally upset by it all. I think perhaps I should quietly leave the group or should I just ignore this behaviour - perhaps that’s what large families are like?

Would appreciate your thoughts - it just seems to have been building up and has really got to me! Thank you.

Stop with all of the organising, the birthday cards, etc. Why did you start? They've made it clear they're not interested in you so just be chatty and friendly when you see them and leave it at that. If your husband wants to get them birthday cards and arrange to see them, he's a big boy and can do it himself.

Focus your energy on your own family and friends. Spend your time arranging things with them.

honestly OP why are you in the their? its seems like the wives are just in their do their husbands admin. its very obviously a sibling what's app +2

I doubt it's anything more or less than they don't think about you unless something is about you. they think about their brother. its a "their" family group chat not all those related plus spouses and parents group chat. plus the distance...

no one is asking or thanking you for doing all the birthday organising and admin. stop doing things that piss you off. no one likes a martyr.

The sibling what's app comment rings true.

DH is in a group with with his 4 siblings and his parents. They all bang on about the most mundane crap. It's mostly posted on by his sister to be honest (who used to post on FB every time she farted but cos no one's on there anymore she posts it all on the fam what's app)

I have zero desire to be included. DH moans that when he posts a rare post everyone largely ignores him 🙄

who invited you in to the group? If it was your dh then I’d take it that you’re not really wanted and leave

There are 7 of them with a lifelong dynamics.
You needn’t prove anything, or take things personally.

Just leave the group. Or mute notifications and move it to archived.

Surely you have friends and own family you are connected to… Life is too short to let something like this spoil your mood.

The first time they disregarded my birthday would be the last time I remembered theirs. Why do women take this job away from their husbands?

My sister in law started the group and all the siblings plus partners were invited - but some chose not to join.
I have always done the cards etc - it didnt piss me off but maybe I will stop with that and my husband can sort it out

thank you for your thoughts - it’s appreciated - I just wanted another perspective. I think I will leave the WhatsApp group.

Good decision. Don’t feel angry or sad about it. Just stretch into the free time you have not buying and sending upwards of 12 gifts each year.

Does your husband have your relatives birthdays noted and buys stamps, cards and posts cards to them?

Don't do nice things for people who have no interest in you. Be glad to be in one less annoying WhatsApp group.

My husband has a WhatsApp group with his siblings. Almost all of the spouses are included, but we very rarely post anything.

If I were you, I’d post a message saying you’re handing over all admin related to his family, including card and present buying, and then exit the WhatsApp group. Just say you’ve got too much on, and as they’re his siblings, he can deal with them!

OP - I'd just quietly exit the group. I'd not make dramatic statements like
"saying you’re handing over all admin related to his family, including card and present buying"???? It would sound strange and petty.
His siblings do not care how OP and her H run their household and who does admin. They also do not expect OP to be doing their cards...

I no longer speak on my extended family WhatsApp group for this very reason, too many gushy posts about certain family members and then others ignored. I can’t be bothered with it, good riddance!

I agree with the above. Just leave - no one will care-if someone does say something just say you are using your phone less -like we all want to do.
I sometimes post on husbands family watsapp but it’s mostly bad taste jokes and photos of dogs !!!!

You're equating two completely unrelated things in your head you think that because you do the 'wifework', your husband's siblings should be paying you attention on WhatsApp. The two things have no relationship to one another. It's not their issue that you and your DH have an unequal relationship as regards gift admin and the work of entertaining they presumably don't even know about it.

Me and my siblings don't have anyone's spouses or longterm partners on our WhatsApp group. The point of it is as a sibling group. There was one with spouses etc in, and we all stopped using it because my brother's wife used to spam it with incredibly dull stuff no one could face wading through. The fact that you're married to your DH isn't relevant -- they're dealing with him, and assuming he'll pass on or consult about whatever it is to you.

Respectfully, do you have an unusually fragile sense of self?

This. I'd find it deeply odd if one of my siblings' spouses or partners was buying all the cards and presents and remembering birthdays for my family.

@user1498047971Oh my goodness, I could have written this post myself (except was thrown out of the in-law family Whattsapp group because we went on a holiday that clashed with one of their birthday celebrations, that we’d ok’d with them prior to booking!) Saved me a job I suppose!

They send Christmas cards to the house leaving my name off and also, and I know this is going to sound very weird, but it’s the truth, they send an envelope with money in for every family member except me! Even random boyfriends (I’ve been part of the family, or not, for over three decades and am the mother of most of the grandchildren!)
There is a note in the envelope stating the name of each family member and different amounts for different people! The amounts are odd, eg my husband was given £90 last Christmas. I think one of my children got more than the others..I’m not entirely sure as my husband hides the cards and notes from me now. He says it’s all perfectly normal behaviour???!!! I said to him recently that we need to decide which member of his family we are going to leave out this year (I wouldn’t). I’ve stopped buying cards and gifts for them now, so he needs to do it. If they do it to me this Christmas I’m gone..

Yes, but when they now don’t get a card (presumably as I doubt the husband will do it) they won’t blame her in her absence!

I may indeed have a fragile sense of self Total Luddite. (Don’t know how to reply to you) I am not equating sending cards (and I don’t send presents - nor do the siblings know who organises the cards) - with polite and civil behaviour on WhatsApp groups.
your group of siblings sound rather like my in laws. Respectfully.

I will exit the group quietly

I wouldn’t exit the group. I would mute and ignore it entirely.

I think you need to match their energy.

Be chatty and breezy when you see people but don’t invest too much in them.

Tell your husband that you want him to do cards and presents from now on.

If people want to come over he can cook or organise a take away.

I am in a similar group. Don’t exit. Just archive and mute. You don’t have to see it. If there is something Important John will tell you

Don’t make a dramatic exit by leaving the group just mute and archive.

Why are posters blaming the woman for taking the birthday card jobs from their useless DH?

I will mute and archive. Some good advice which has helped to view things more clearly thanks all.

Do you have your own family? I’m wondering if you have none and so expected your inlaws to be closer to you (which would be a totally normal desire)
I wouldn’t take it personally and I would stop expecting anything as you will keep being disappointed