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anyone been through this with someone with asd? not sure i can fix it this time

4 replies

MyDenimSquid · 20/06/2025 10:11

he is early 20s, he keeps losing his debit card to the point he will get a new one then the next time i see him in a few days its gone and he is panicking and he will then tell people its been stolen, he generally goes to the bank in person with his passport and they order yet another card, I've known it to be twice in one week he has ordered a new card.

i have been warning him for almost two years that they will close his account if it keeps happening or they might see it as fraud or whatever but here we are.

he has now been told they are closing his account, its now somehow on me to fix this for him again and not sure how because this time he is now telling me his passport has been stolen too so now he doesn't even have id to set up a new bank account and even if he did he would lose the card within days, in his head he can just keep getting endless new bank cards.

he gets paid on tuesday and i'm not sure what to do.. without his passport he has no id

we as a family have tried EVERYTHING from trying to budget with him, to me keeping his card and giving him cash, to this to that to this again, for YEARS.

is there anything the bank could do here? if not where do we go from here? I'm supposed to be calling his bank in a few hours because he is coming for me to sort it all out but i'm being honest when i say i'm not sure what to do this time.. even bought him a wallet with a chain, and a backpack to put it in and he said someone stole them too.. nothing helps at all.

in his head i will call them and they will send yet another new card but he's failing to see they are closing the account now, and he will be unable to get another until he has id.. then IF i manage to sort this out I just know that by next week he would be coming to me saying 'my card has been stolen again'

anyone have any advice before i call the bank please? at this point i'm not even sure what to say to them when i do call.

OP posts:
ooherrmissus14 · 20/06/2025 10:18

This sounds harsh but I think you might need to let this play out for him. There are no consequences for him to not take responsibility as he knows you will sort it out for him so has no motivation to change. It will be uncomfortable and inconvenient for him but, given you’ve tried everything else, this might be what he needs. I’m guessing he is your son?

MyDenimSquid · 20/06/2025 10:23

ooherrmissus14 · 20/06/2025 10:18

This sounds harsh but I think you might need to let this play out for him. There are no consequences for him to not take responsibility as he knows you will sort it out for him so has no motivation to change. It will be uncomfortable and inconvenient for him but, given you’ve tried everything else, this might be what he needs. I’m guessing he is your son?

yes its my son, if i'm being totally honest he shouldn't be living independently either. everything that could help him or make his life easier he rejects.

OP posts:
DeffoNeedANameChange · 20/06/2025 10:26

Does the bank not have an obligation to make reasonable adjustments for his disability (the adjustment in this case being they don't close his account just because he keeps losing cards).

Does he also lose his phone as often? I only ever use Google wallet on my phone these days- I can't remember the last time I used my physical card.

CatHairEveryWhereNow · 20/06/2025 10:37

I'd suggest getting him to make an appointment with the bank branch - and actual person - and go with him and take proof of diagosis and see if they can do anything to help him - they not be able to but they may have some vunerable flag they can activate. The* *Equality Act 2010 means they should make adjustments.

You may need to get a replacement passport first - but they can explain that to him.

I was going to suggest payment of phone - if that doesn't get lost as frequently.

Otherwise it's cash again - and you may get phone calls if that gets stolen.

Clearly banking and ASD not an uncommon problem:
https://basw.co.uk/articles/charity-launches-new-autism-friendly-banking-initiative

https://www.autismcentral.org.uk/guidance/managing-money

Managing money | Autism Central

Autistic people often find managing their financial affairs overwhelming and may need additional support with banking, dealing with other financial matters such as pensions or setting up insurance. Read more about how to support autistic people in mana...

https://www.autismcentral.org.uk/guidance/managing-money

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