depressed 24 year old daughter

[libbydos]

I’m looking for some advice or perspective about my 24-year-old daughter, who’s going through a really difficult time at the moment.

She’s a bright, hardworking young woman – she has a top master’s degree in a STEM subject from a top university and has been working full-time for the past two years since graduating. She currently earns £32k, going up to £35k in September. Despite this, she’s been struggling financially and emotionally.

Until recently, she was paying £950/month to rent a room in a shared house (HMO), plus commuting costs. She was barely able to save, though she’s managed to put £3k aside in an ISA. She’s understandably frustrated that, despite doing “everything right,” she still feels stuck. She’s now planning to move back home with us to save up for her own place, which we fully support – but she’s been very emotional and keeps saying she feels like a “massive failure” and that she’s “failed to launch.” It breaks my heart, because we’ve never said anything like that – in fact, we’re proud of her and just want her to be okay.

She’s also AuDHD (autism and ADHD) and recently came off sertraline after about a year or so on it – she didn’t want to be on medication “forever,” but since stopping (about a month ago), her mood has really dipped. She’s incredibly tearful, withdrawn, and seems overwhelmed by everything. She’s seeing the GP today, and I’ve gently encouraged her to consider going back on the meds if they were helping to stabilise things.

Right now, she just seems completely lost. She’s so young, but she feels directionless and hopeless, and it’s incredibly hard as a parent to watch. She’s worked so hard and come so far, but can’t seem to see any of that for herself.

Does anyone have any advice? Either for how we can support her, or anything she might find helpful? Has anyone or their child been through something similar? I’d love to hear any experiences, insights, or suggestions – even just reassurance that it does get better.

I'm really sorry to hear this, and hope that her mind is put more at rest soon.

Not sure I can say a lot, because I never felt as if I had it figured out for a lot longer than that, but I recognise a lot of what has been described. In case any of it hits home, though, these are my thoughts (now 25 years on from that stage).

In education, you are well supported, even if it's not an easy ride, and tutors do want to work for you to succeed. If you are bright, organised, and sensible, this works well. In work, it can be almost the opposite - truly, the support as such is very rarely there and there may be a proportion of people who want to cut eager smart qualified young workers down to size in a 'pay your dues' kind of way. At best, if you are doing work well, colleagues usually assume all is fine. No, not everybody, some places aren't like this, but many do have this as a feature. Two years feels like forever (especially after universities where things often move fast and go far in 3 years) - but in work, it's not a massive stretch of time at all. I sometimes wonder if people who have had the practice of getting away with much more, and not really being emotionally invested in their performance quality, have a much better chance of developing work resilience.

Starting to save money in an ISA (and pension) is actually a brilliant achievement. I have one or 2 stories that did click a bit for me. The first is that I remember a heart to heart over a drink at around 23 with a friend 2yrs older who I really admired. I was working in something I thought trivial and she had managed to get a foot on the ladder as an academic (which was something like a golden pipe dream as far as I was concerned). I remember saying "It's no good, I don't have a pension, I'm just leaving it too long..." and she said "Well, I haven't been able to set one up on what I'm on either." Even 'good' jobs aren't the ticket to financial stability and recognition straight away.

Let her be sad and know it will not be like this always - otherwise you stuff it down and it has a habit of repeating itself - but not wallow. Some mentorship would be a really good move. There are women's programmes that are independent of workplaces and if you were to invest in them, I'd recommend this. Sometimes therapy or counselling (which I tried) just try to make you realise 'what you're doing wrong' without more mirroring and support for really positive seedlings within your character that you want to try and want to develop. Bouncing off someone who has experience, or who can talk more about their paths and experimentation, can be more optimism building and energising.

thank so much. That’s very reassuring. She’s spoken to her GP today to try another ssri because I think she’s realised that she needs to go back on them

Will keep my fingers crossed for her. I'm in a position now where work-wise things are tough, but I am much more 'together' after several rounds of a cycle of 'failing to launch' and although there are disappointments to live with, within it, I'm finally really ok in myself. Hopefully others can also respond with their thoughts.

Earning that much at 24 is definitely not a failure to launch. She’s done really well and should be proud of herself. (As I’m sure you’ve told her already) absolutely nothing wrong on being on medication if it helps.

thanks. That’s exactly what I’ve told her. It’s just hard to see her struggle. The cost of living is so high and although she’s saving like crazy, she’s worried that she won’t be able to save enough for a deposit for years. And unfortunately we can’t help her with one.

Well, she’s in the same position as a vast percentage of her age group. I spent my 20s living on fresh air and student scholarships and having a ball, and just recognised I wasn’t going to be able to buy somewhere to live for many years. Your daughter is going through an ordinary mood dip, common in the year or two after the end of education, where everything operates on term and academic year cycles, you have your cohort, the rules are clear, and the feedback is constant, and the finish line is visible — it can take a while to get used to the fact that life after that works very differently.

In her shoes I could never have moved back home, but I gather it’s an increasingly common decision. But she needs to recognise that buying herself a place is a longterm goal, and not like getting a good grade on a module, so she has to go easy on herself. I was 35 before buying a tiny flat.

My autistic kiddo was 26 before he had a permanent job, and 28 before being ready to move out. He earns slightly less than that despite also having a good STEM degree.

He's generally rightly proud of himself because he knew it would be a battle, and his target was to manage to be self supporting before he was 30. Being able to buy is a whole different ballgame. But he does have days of gloomily comparing himself to the high flyers in his uni cohort.

She's doing more than well to have got this far.

Your daughter sounds like she’s killing it - at 24 I was in a lot of debt, drinking too much and sleeping with unsuitable men (and earning a pittance).

The struggles with her mental health won’t be helping matters, bless her, but it’s good she has decided to give other medication a go. She is clearly extremely intelligent and has a bright future ahead of herself but I imagine the pressure that comes with that is a lot.

thank you. That’s what I keep saying. She’s doing far far better than I was at that age.