Stupid moan about total non-problem, humour me

[Year6dramallama]

Gah my husband is shit at birthdays. Well, relatively speaking he isn't - he doesn't forget, he makes an effort to get me a gift and gets the kids to as well. He will make dinner and get me a cake (if I ask for one) amd write me a lovely card. So in the grand scheme of things he's lovely. But he's juat so unenthusiastic about it, it feels like he has to be strong armed into it and he can't wait for it not to be a birthday any more. What I want more than anything on my birthday is a fuss. Just to be made a fuss of, enthusiastically. That's it. But he hates that and won't do it. So I end up feeling sad and shortchanged even though objectively I'm very lucky. It's just instead of a gift i'd like him to be excited about my birthday, to organise something or coddle me a little bit.

I know i know, im very lucky and I should be grateful. I just hate feeling like I have to ask for my birthday to be made special, and like by asking I'm giving him a huge chore. Moan over. I will appreciate my present and give myself a mental slap round the face.

Come on look. You're an adult. Birthday excitement is for children! He sounds a bloody gem if you ask me! Be thankful. You're sounding a little ungrateful.

Yeah i know, I am a little ungrateful. It's a love.language thing i guess. That's why im moaning here and not to him.

But I dont think birthday excitement is just for children - many of my friends, colleagues etc make a big deal of birthdays and it's quite normal.

But why does he hate the idea of a ‘fuss’ so much? What does your idea of a birthday fuss consist of?

The whole 'love language'concept gives me the ick.
It comes across to me like a controlling, berating attitude.

'You're not doing things how I want, so am going to guilt trip you with this love language shenanigans.'

Well, it’s pop psychology from a Baptist preacher with no therapeutic qualifications, and has no research base, so I would take it about as seriously as I’d take the local rag’s horoscopes page…

Well I've given my head a wobble this morning, it's all fine.

My idea of a fuss is, i suppose, there being a sense of joy or excitement rather than feeling like doing something to mark my birthday is just another chore. So not sighing and going 'Oh god I've got to take the boys out to get your present'.

Agree love language the book is bollicks but the phrase is a useful shorthand for saying 'some things mean more to me than they do to him and vice versa and sometimes we find that hard to empathise wth'

I'm in the same situation. Luckily, my sister is an enthusiastic birthday celebrant, and over the years we've developed a tradition whereby she and I spend my birthday together doing something special, rather than me spending the day feeling resentment towards my husband.

It works for us, although it's not ideal.

But I will never change my husband's view; I want someone to make a fuss of me; my sister loves the whole birthday thing - it's a working compromise that I'm happy with

Oh that's lovely. My mum was like this, she died quite suddenly when I was 21 and I suppose what I really want is someone to be excited for me the way she was. It is childish I suppose but that's what I want! But me and DH have been happily together for 20 years and he's not going to change so there we are.