How exactly do you confront a friend who ghosted you?

[CrescentMoonLanding]

I know there's been a ton of threads on ghosting and people feel really upset by it. It's been done to me several times and I've never spoken to the person about it but now I'm thinking I might to the latest friend who's dropped me. But I don't know what to say... Have you done it and how did it go?

If it’s happened to you multiple times, then kindly, I think you may be best to ask why.

Well, what do you actually want to say to them and what do you want to achieve by saying it? If you want them to know they’ve hurt you they’re unlikely to care and will protect themselves by denying it or blaming you, but if you just want to get it off your chest and don’t care about any satisfying outcome, that’s fair enough I guess. You could just say I know you don’t want to be in touch any more but I did think we were better friends than that and feel hurt/sad/upset that you seem to have dropped me… Something like that maybe, but I wouldn’t say anything personally. They’ve made their choice and you’re better to put your energy into more positive things.

And @MarketStmakes a fair point tbf. Are you maybe reading more into the friendships than the others are, misreading signals. If it’s happening this much then maybe the thing to do is ask if you’ve done something wrong.

It’s best to leave it.

Leave it or be open to feedback you might not like....

Yeah that's quite good wording @pinkdelight, thanks. I wouldn't want to be friends any more in this instance.

It's happened to me several times, maybe 3 times in over 20 years of adult life, I don't think that's so unusual to be honest.

I wouldn't confront someone, it would achieve nothing.

I would assume they had their own shit going on and concentrate on other friendships.

I wouldn't mind honest feedback, but that's pretty rare isn't it?

I'd honestly go about your life being happy and not give a second thought to those that ghosted. Sometimes the trash takes itself out

A ouija board?

In all seriousness though if they wanted to talk to you then they wouldnt have ghosted you. Leave them be and move on.

It's not very nice to have it happen but the best thing to do is retain your dignity and just let it go without causing a scene. Whatever reaction you give is unlikely to turn it around and will ultimately achieve nothing.

They'd never tell you the truth.

Ghosting is so cowardly it shows that they are cowards so why would they then tell you the truth when confronted?

You just accept they're not interested in your friendship anymore and leave it well alone.

But, should they contact you again, you also don't forget they did this to you and simply ignore any requests to meet in the long term future.

Ghosting is not always for cowardly reasons, it's not that simple.

Sometimes it's for self-protection and to avoid getting abuse from the person who needs to be distanced, or having to rake over a situation that has happened and can't be changed. it can be better to walk away, not everyone takes 'feedback' well.

I've been ghosted and I have ghosted. The time I took the trouble to explain I was given even more shit than the shit that made me ghost the person in the first place. Never again, I won't put myself through it, sometimes people's behaviour causes it, but it isn't for the recipient to have to fix people.

"Don't complain, don't explain" is a good maxim.

I doubt they would tell you the truth and if they did it’s just their version which may or may not be accurate in your eyes. I’d let it go and move on.

I ghosted an ex friend and it certainly wasn't down to cowardice. It was because she was an utter cunt who revelled in my unhappiness and was only nice when I was unhappy; the type of person who holds a grudge for life and who trashes people's reputations. I did a very slow fade over the course of 2 years purely to protect myself. If I'd confronted her with these reasons, she'd have gone nuclear and made it her life's goal to ruin me.

I’ve ghosted one person. I think she’s an alcoholic who won’t get help, and I now think she’s over-exaggerated her stories about her DH. In fact, I think she was the (physically) abusive one. She was rude, selfish and didn’t want me to have any other friends. The final straw was her DC repeatedly being violent with my DC, which she waved off as ‘growing up with brothers’

Would you have wanted to hear this?

If they have ghosted you then just leave them be. No-one owes you their attention. As the first poster said if this is happening to you a lot then you are the common denominator- in your position I would try to examine my own behaviour to understand why this keeps happening- are you too intense for example or really flaky? I get that it is hurtful to be dumped by a friend but if they have chosen this way to exit the friendship then they are unlikely to tell you the truth anyway.

I'd leave it, some people just haven't got the balls to send an unemotional message at the time, outlining the basics as to why you're being blocked. Childish behaviour. Keep your dignity and leave it alone.

I don't agree that it is childish to ghost someone. At least not always. In my case I have ghosted when people have not accepted my reasons for not wanting to be in touch and they keep reaching out, wanting to talk about it again etc. Some people just can't take a no and they have no ability to read other people. If someone makes me uncomfortable I will ghost them. If someone is overwhelming me with constant communication I will most likely ghost them too.

I wouldn't consider that ghosting as you gave your reasons after that it is just following through on it.

Don't bother, not worth wasting time thinking about, for whatever reason they are gone from your life and good riddance. You would obviously not have been able to rely on them if you needed them.

I wouldn't. If they ghost me, there is nothing more to say either way.

I have an ex friend who I eventually ended a friendship who has been ghosted a fair bit and struggles to have any awareness about why.

Like every human she is complex and has lots of good traits but there are ways she consistently shows up in relationships that affects the longevity of the relationship.

I suggest that is true with anyone who has this happen as a pattern rather than a once off.

Google toxic traits and be really, really honest and see if you have many of them. Demanding, overbearing, ignoring boundaries and limits, cruelty, displays of anger, manipulation etc etc those kinds of things.

People pleasing, martyr or victim mentality, or fixing others are also toxic patterns of behaviour if you have any of those because they are about control.

@Getheregetthere your list sounds a bit like my ex friend who ghosted me! Which are some of the reasons why I wouldn't want to rekindle the relationship. I realise I let her walk over me and would listen for hours to her problems while she had little interest in mine. But it's still very hurtful. And as we have friends and colleagues in common, it's tricky.

Absolutely this.