I’m not attracted to my husband anymore

[Hellovation]

Can I do anything? I want to be 😔

backstory is met very young. Together 20 years now. Similar age.

He is genuinely a wonderful man. Great father. He is loyal, genuine, works hard, funny. He also still very much fancies me. Our sex life is dead. Has always struggled (my childhood trauma mainly) but it’s worse than ever now (haven’t had sex in six months) and I realised tonight, if I’m honest, I don’t want to. I’m not attracted to him.

he works hard but I am the breadwinner and mental load falls to me too. He does a lot of the physical chores day to day and it is fair to say we manage life equally. But I think the deeper issue is now that after years of being fiercely independent, and lots of therapy... I want to be taken care of. He doesn’t possess that strong masculine type of energy. And rather shallow- I don’t find his fashion choices particularly great either! I feel I could happily go the rest of my life without sex now.

this isn’t fair on him. At all. None of it’s his fault.

he doesn’t want to split. Nor do I. But I’m desperately sad inside, knowing that I’m giving him a sexless marriage. I am lying to him I feel, trying not to hurt his feelings and tell him the truth. I find myself avoiding intimacy with any excuse under the sun. It is cruel to him I know.

is it dead in the water?

Oh I’m sorry OP, that’s sounds so tough. Sorry I can’t be much help on the spark front but it’s interesting you saying you’ve always been fiercely independent and now craving masculinity. I’ve recently realised that too. I’ve always been so independent as I never had anyone I could rely on. As a now 40+ woman I find I am more happy to sit in my feminine more and let my DH be more masculine. Could your DH step up? I’ve left subtle hints to my DH and he’s really stepping up.

Would you consider therapy? Or do you think you’re too far gone for it to help?

The trouble with men who want to ‘take care of you’ is that they very often come with their own set of issues which would make you rue the day you ever considered someone other than your DH.

I think that if he’s a good man and you’re otherwise happy, then it’s worth giving things a try before you walk away. There are loads of things you can do to increase intimacy without being intimate. Google intimacy exercises and take your pick.

And if you don’t like his clothes then take him shopping and help him pick out stuff he looks really good in. Perhaps he’s lost confidence in himself.

Have you considered it could be peri menopause?
You have been together a long time. Marriages go through ups and downs. When my marriage was in crisis I was clear that my DH was a good man and nothing better wa out these for him or for me.
All the things you mention show very clearly he does look after you. He’s loyal, genuine, works hard, chores etc. These are all ways of looking after your spouse.
Sed really is use it or lose it.
I wonder too if you are a bit burnt out.
Hang on in there. It can get better between you.

Obviously you can do something. You can get counselling for your trauma, see a sex therapist, get couple's counselling, speak to your Dr and see if there's a medical issue, change contraception, try to rebuild your relationship with your husband.

I think it’s dead if you aren’t willing to do something about it. Take some pressure off yourself, sit down and talk to him about what you need, make time for yourself and do things that make you feel good. You will feel happier and that can often bring your sex drive back.

Thank you for the replies. I wasn’t sure if I’d get flamed.

i love him so much. Truly. And I am burnt out. Our lives are so, so full on and stressful. I feel like there are no pockets of time or energy left for us. We work conflicting schedules too which adds to the distance between us.

there is nothing better out there for me, as someone said above- and I’m not looking for it, not at all. I don’t want something else. This isn’t that. If we weren’t together I’d be remaining single.

unfortunately financial circumstances have changed and I can no longer afford therapy. I had three years of it, which helped me overcome many many things, but I think the sex thing that remains likely needs a specialist for this particular area and also a joint thing perhaps. My therapist wouldn’t have offered this as she was solely for me. (Beyond a session or two to discuss me, she said. If he felt he needed help understanding anything. But he didn’t, although he may not always get it he’s always sympathetic/emotionally understanding within his best capabilities)

The stressful full on lives, what are your schedules like and is there any element of ‘doing it to yourself’. I have a friend who will die having not had enough time ever because she cleans for many hours every single week, irons every item of clothing and has a very high maintenance attitude to everything. If even one thing is out of place she can't relax.

Also had friends who spent their entire spare time running their children round to loads of after school activities. Mine had one each that involved some faff after school otherwise it was after school clubs at school so it meant no extra running about.

All self inflicted perhaps- chosen career makes very tired. As per the name, we are also renovating a property. The kids have a very expensive (in time and money!) hobby each, so although they do not do lots and lots of activities /after school stuff- the one hobby they do have each is all encompassing (also not the same hobby, so it’s a divide and conquer for us)

Can confirm I’d die before you’d ever catch me ironing though. When we are home we do genuinely try to downtime. Kids are old enough now though that they still want to be our best friends so they’re just.. everywhere. All the time 😅

The thing with masculine energy is they usually spread it around

Your post is incredibly honest and brave - it’s clear that you care deeply for your husband, and that you’re wrestling with enormous internal conflict.

What you’re describing isn’t unusual in long-term relationships, especially ones that began very young. Over time, we grow, shift, and sometimes those changes put us out of sync with our partners in ways that are heartbreaking — especially when there’s still love, loyalty, and shared history.
It’s ok to want more and the sexual disconnect doesn’t need to be permanent.
Whatever you choose, you deserve fulfillment - and so does he. But this doesn’t have to be the end. It could be the beginning of a new chapter - if you’re both willing to explore it.

It might be time to make some cut backs where you can. You can’t do everything and be everywhere.

Maybe pause the renovations.

The thing is, we want to. We like our lives and the things that fill it, just as it is. It all brings us joy- satisfying and engaging careers, sports the children thrive in, the community that brings, the challenge of the house.

but you are also right. We have to cut back to make room if there is none.

it all needs so much thought.

Thank you all for your honest thoughts and well wishes.

Oh yea I’ve heard every single excuse. Que triste.