Ridiculous friendship issues at 55!

[Cliftrip]

It's a long story (yes I shared it here at the time).

DH and I had a really nice friendship group with 4 other couples, we shared holidays and days/evenings out as well as a significant hobby.

Then DH died and (I felt) the group behaved very badly. I was basically dropped within a couple if days of his death, they let me down over the funeral arrangements and offers of help, and in the years that followed bitched and gossiped about my attempts to move on a build a new life.

We still have some shared aquaintances and are sometimes at the same events because of the hobby. I've made new friends and life is good.

One of the new friends, someone who was losely involved with the group back then, so knows what happened, and at the time, shared my outrage, has, through the hobby, been spending a lot of time with the three women from the old group. This is hurting me a lot. But I'm not a child and she's entitled to see who she wants.

As far as I and the group are concerned, we'll say a polite hello when we meet, but no one would ever know we used to be so close, and I can't find it in me to show any interest in them at all. They would probably have me along with the four of them if I wanted to go, but I don't.

Help me not to let this ruin my new friendship...?

This is hurting me a lot. But I'm not a child and she's entitled to see who she wants.

hold on to this view and there won’t be a problem

If close friends of mine want to be friends with idiots outside out of our immediate friendship then I really can't say it would bother me - I'm 46.

People in the past let you down and behaved badly - it's happened to us all - but if they are no longer in your life then leave them where they belong in the past. Don't give their shit behaviour any further power or control over your emotions.

You're on a hiding to nothing if you hold your good friend to account over this - she is allowed to make her own choices and they haven't done anything to her.

As you say - she's entitled to see who she wants - so believe that, feel that truly and you won't have any problems.

I think you’re right to be disappointed especially as your friend knew what you had been through and how let down you feel . It’s easy to say be the bigger person and people can be friends with who they wish , but , I wouldn’t spoil the friendship you have but I’d also look for new friends totally separate from this historic group .

Until someone is bereaved they have no idea what you are going through. Do not let this hurt you.

I am now 68 and was widowed at the age of 59 in 2016. I've been friends with someone for fifty odd years, and told her I was thinking of going to the Seychelles in October to celebrate what would have been my 40ieth wedding anniversary. She said it 'worries' her when I talk like this, I should be planning 'fun' and moving forwards. She was talking to me on Father's Day on Sunday, when both of my kids (32 and 29) were very sad their Dad is dead and missing their lives.

You're entitled to feel hurt that she isn't showing loyalty to you, that's a reasonable feeling. I would definitely be focussing on other friendships which make you feel good at this point though. The old friends did treat you very badly, steer clear.

I understand why you feel this way but remember what good friends they seemed to be until they weren't. This will be her experience of them. It's hard for her to get how painful they made an already terrible time for you, because she's not been through it.

I'd enjoy her company when you have it, keep them at long distance and make plenty more friends so you don't rely on this one. Can you find another group locally who enjoys the same hobby so you don't miss out on it because of them?

My mother was treated exactly the same way by her friendship group after my Dad died. She was dropped like a hot stone. She got to know a widower in a similar position (she and my Dad knew him and his wife but weren’t close), and used to spend a lot of time with him, go on holiday etc. it gave both of them a new lease of life. All the former friends could do was gossip and bitch about them.

It gets easier with time, my couples group dropped me when my ex left a couple of years ago. I will say hello now but I won't meet them when they try and reach out, I realised the updates I gave were just fresh gossip. I won't allow them in now, a single woman is always a threat.

remember what good friends they seemed to be until they weren't. This will be her experience of them. It's hard for her to get how painful they made an already terrible time for you, because she's not been through it.
I'd enjoy her company when you have it

I agree with this

However much you tell newer friend about dodgy friends, she didn't experience your pain.

I also wonder if you were dumped after your husband died because, as a single woman, you had become a threat to the other women in the pack

It’s distressing to realise that you can be dragged back into a terrible painful time by someone else’s actions. You must have felt a truly visceral and painful kind of aloneness to be let down by such close friends in the hell of such a new loss. I think you are feeling an echo of that pain now.

There isn’t a lot to be done. What has helped with the pain of grief in the past? Can you spend time with other friends?

I remember your previous thread, OP, and your friends behaved absolutely appallingly. I'm so pleased you've made new friends 💐

I don’t think you are being ridiculous. There is somewhat a lack of loyalty to you going on op, the group treated you very badly, so why would a good friend see them as a good option to spend time with?

It is clearly going to undermine your trust in her, and the friendship, as you won’t know if she is involved in the gossiping. You are less likely to confide in her or be vulnerable around her as a result.

I would be honest if she is a good friend, and say she is entitled to see who she wants to see but you are uncomfortable about the level of gossiping/unkindness they are involved in, and you are surprised she wants to see them given the history.
Talk it through with her so she knows you are worried/hurt. If she steps back from them, your friendship can continue as before.

If she doesn’t, then I would downgrade the friendship personally, and keep her as a loose friend that you don’t open up to. I wouldn’t be compromising myself with someone that didn’t have my back. Or investing love and time. Just have her as a friend of convenience.

These people were exceptionally awful, I remember your thread too. You rightly don’t want anything to do with them, and I can’t blame you for feeling sad and let down with your friend. It highlights a lack of judgement and integrity to me.

God how absolutely awful.

Same age as you.
Firstly, your so-called friends treated you appallingly.
Secondly, I don’t think this newer friend is much of a pal, either.
Yes, we can all be free to talk to who we want to. But there are lots of people this friend could interact with. She knows they treated you badly, why would they treat her any better?
I know this a hobby is clearly important to you but I would want to make new friends elsewhere, that have nothing to do with these people. It doesn’t mean giving up your hobby, but trying a new group or a new activity as well?
Then people can get to know you as you are now, and you can reveal as little or as much as you like.

Agreed. I get that you were deeply hurt by your old friends’ awful behaviour, but you don’t get to require newer friends to pass loyalty tests by shunning them.

I really feel for you @Cliftrip

I too experienced being dumped by our long term group of friends when my DH died at a relatively young age and for a long time thought it must mean that they just didn’t like the ‘me’ part of ‘us’. It was devastating. Just when you need your friends the most, the phone stops ringing and you discover the meal / holiday they have shared together without you.

It was years before one of the group bumped into me at a supermarket and casually threw into the conversation that as a newly single woman I had been considered a real threat to their marriages. I pointed out that my morales hadn’t died with my DH and actually I wouldn’t have ever thought twice about their husbands.

In the years since I have discovered how common that behaviour is towards newly bereaved (and even divorced) women and that the reverse is true with men. When a woman dies the remaining women in a friendship group will often gather around to help and support her DH in his bereavement.

Regardless of their reasons (whether instinctive or well thought out) the pain of that dumping has affected my friendships ever since. I am careful about who I befriend and am a good, empathetic and caring person within a friendship, but, and it’s a big BUT, I won’t put up with anything but equality. I no longer give more than I receive and I will not engage in gossip. The minute someone starts talking about other friends I cut it dead. I also don’t overshare so that there is nothing for other people to gossip about in relation to me.

I suspect that what you are feeling is an instinctive wariness about your previous friends and I would trust that wariness, but not let it destroy what might be a great new friendship. Just don’t give them anything to gossip about and if you do get to the stage where you suspect that new friend is too mired in the behaviour of the old group, either call it out or gently disengage.

I have recently read a great book which gave me new insights on friendship
Let Them - Mel Robbins. It helped me deal with the behaviour of an extremely difficult family member and provided lots of other grounding thoughts along the way. Might be worth a read?