Anyone with some Psychology experience?

[Unorganisedchaos2]

Two questions really... Im thinking about having some counselling to help navigate some difficult family relationships, has anyone done this and found it helpful. Im reading the book "let them" and I think its amazing but I wonder if it would be helpful to speak to a professional.

There has always been a strange dynamic between myself, my Mum and sister. Its difficult to explain but its like only two of us can be "friends" at the same time, we don't normally seriously fall out but is clear Im sometimes not in favor but other times they are fawning all over me (not both at the same time either) and I can never work out why. Its enough for DH and close friends to notice - they say things like "oh I see your back in favor with your mum again" Is there a word for this?

I've also noticed that they (more my mum but my sister to some extent) either hero worship or villainise people there's no middle ground and it can change with no real reason but there is normally always one person they hate. They also struggle to be friends with people or speak to family who do things they don't agree with, so for example DH and I have a friend who has made some choices we don't agree with, nothing illegal or immoral but definitely different to how we would do things and they cant understand why we are friends.

They also seem to need quite intense friendships, my sister mentioned that she has a couple of friends who she texts "all day" when I asked what that meant she said 10-15 texts or more, a whole ongoing conversation throughout the day - that would exhaust me to do that every day but may Im just antisocial?

Anyway I've leave my rambling there, obviously its impossible to cover everything and Im sure I have many faults myself but I was just hoping someone could offer any advise, books, resources?

I had counselling when my DD died and one of my best mates was a psychotherapist so she did speak about not her clients but about theories. As soon as I read your dynamic the word triangulation popped in to my head.

Ultimately they are what they are and all you can do is change your reaction to their dramas. I’m one of 5 sisters. Four of us hate drama but one sister loved drama as did my Mother, guess who my Mother had as a favourite? Myself and one sister just refused to get caught up in it but the other two were dragged in many a time. I just thought it was all ridiculous and a waste of time.

Yes counselling will help. I’ve done this and found it very helpful. Agree with pp, you can only focus on yourself.

I don’t rate Mel Robbins tbh. She’s speaks/writes from her own ADHD and anxiety and she’s not a professional in anything she talks about (see her fairly recent podcast with Gabor Maté who challenged her gently on some of that). I feel like she can be quite dangerous in that as she sets herself up as an expert.

Complex PTSD by Pete Walker is a good general book (even if your situation wasn’t extreme it explains trauma responses flight, fright, freeze, fawn that can run through a lot of people and family dynamics, black and white thinking, tendency for women to fall into depression and men to get angry etc).

School of Life videos on YouTube are helpful.

Reading up on narcissism, covert narcissism, codependency and attachment styles might help explain a lot. Be wary of people who vilify narcissism/codependency. Look for people who understand narcissism as a developmental stage and codependency as a trauma response.

Your sister’s friends sound like they’re needing constant emotional validation to keep them going throughout the day. This isn’t healthy/mature - it drains others and it means they’re dependent on others.

Look up the ‘drama triangle’ (and its opposite - can’t remember the name right now, but it’s the healthier version). It might explain what’s going on with you, your mum and your sister.